It’s only when he nods down at my chest and rubs at his own that I realise why Leo didn’t know where to look. I’ve got the biggest milk stains over my boobs from where Casper bottle-fed the baby this morning and I haven’t expressed.
“Oh my God,” I breathe out my embarrassment, but partway through it turns into a sob, and I’m so fucking tired and mortified that I can’t rein it in. To make things worse, Grace wakes up and starts screaming as I run into the bathroom.
I don’t know how long I’m in here crying my frustration out while Grace is screaming hers in the other room. But eventually she stops, and Casper brings me a fresh change of clothes.
“Is she okay?”
“She’s fine. I think she likes Leo.”
Wrapping me in his arms, he presses a kiss to my hair. As always, he holds on tighter by the second. As if he knows that he’s all I’ll ever need to make everything better.
“If you’re not ready to talk to him, I can tell him to leave.”
“It’s okay. My hormones and everything else got the better of me, that’s all. I’ll be out in a bit. You should go make sure he’s okay with Grace.”
After he leaves, I take some deep breaths, collecting my sanity and pride from the floor as I make myself presentable, and trying desperately to screw my head on straight rather than act crazy. Last thing I want is for Leo to start thinking that I’m like my mother.
I’m not. I remind myself because over the last couple of days I’ve questioned my sanity far too many times. It’s okay to feel out of my depth. It is.
That’s the mantra Casper has preached to me every time I’ve had a meltdown. Being a mother is hard, and every time I think I’m doing okay, something happens to show me how inadequate I am.
Once I’m ready, I slip out of the bathroom feeling better now that I’m clean again.
“Are you sure?” Leo asks. He’s still holding Grace which only adds to my building ease. “She’s okay?”
My heart drops to my stomach at his words. I’m about to tell him I’m fine when Casper says, “She’s more than okay. Sleep deprived and hormonal as fuck, but she’s great.”
“I’ve only ever seen Fleur cry when Cassie was in the hospital…” Leo looks down at Grace and smiles when she stretches in his arms. “Fuck, man, she’s so small. Aren’t you scared you’re going to break her with your big oaf hands?”
“No, that girl takes after her mum. Small but tough.”
“Yeah, I’ll say. Freddie’s still licking his wounded pride which is always great to see.” Leo stiffens when Grace gurgles. Even from where I’m standing, I can tell she’s staring up at him, because he is completely enamoured.
“I don’t want to fight with any of you, but if you hurt Fleur—”
“You’re going to hurt me too.”
“Yes. She’s got enough shit to deal with, so don’t add to it.”
“I won’t. I only want to make sure she’s all right. I wasn’t exactly gracious about things, and Cassie’s pissed about it. Your sisters fucking landed me in it big fucking time.”
“Yeah, welcome to my fucking world,” Casper laughs. His eyes meet mine, and if I could marry him right here, right now…I would.
“Hey.” I wave at them both sheepishly.
“Hey.” Leo smiles. “I hope you don’t mind the cuddles.”
“It’s okay. She’s not crying, that’s all that matters.” I perch on Casper’s thigh, and I can tell that it makes him happy because he’s stroking along the base of my spine with his thumb.
It’s one of his satisfied tells.
“I’m going to go straight in because it will make things easier,” Leo says. “I acted like an arsehole, mainly in part because I was taken by surprise and also because I was pissed. Not at you. I mean if I had the right to be pissed at you, you would have the right to be pissed at me too because we’re in the same boat here.”
“I’m not pissed at you.”
“You know what I think of him.”
“Lucian isn’t my dad, Leo. Sharing genetics isn’t going to make him my father all of a sudden.” I clear my swelling throat as it clogs with all these emotions rampaging through me. “But he was kind to me.”