Why were they shaking? I wasn’t sure. I mean, this wasn’t the first time I thought I was in love with a guy. I’d been positive Shaun had been the one, but look how that had ended. He’d been a slime ball. So honestly, I shouldn’t trust my emotions at all.
Things with Colton felt so different, though. I’d wanted to fall for Shaun; I’d fought it the entire time with Colton. Opening my heart to him seemed scary and bold and dangerous. I knew he could hurt me like no one else because I’d given him more weapons to do so…I’d freaking confided things to him. And if he wasn’t the one to hurt me, what would everyone else think about us being together? What if their scorn broke me?
Maybe Theo had been right. They were all looking down on me now. I mean, even my two best friends had been giving me a wide berth since Colton and I had started our affair. They might’ve acted supportive and curious before anything had ever happened, but now that it had, neither of them had demanded a single detail from me like they said they would. That worried me; just not enough to give up on what I had with Colton.
He was worth it. He was worth the objections we’d probably receive from both our families and possibly even our friends. He was worth the heartbreak I was almost certain would come. He was worth all of it.
I just wasn’t sure if he felt that way too, or if he was still just having fun with me.
One thing was certain, I couldn’t ask him. I was too scared to learn whether all this was unrequited or not.
Deciding I’d just wing it and continue having fun like we were, see where things went from here, I returned to the bedroom, a little giddy when I saw his shoes on the floor as I opened the door.
He hadn’t left yet. That thrilled me to no end.
He snickered from my bed as I shut the door behind me.
“What’s so funny?” I asked before I realized he was lying on his stomach but had the upper half of his torso propped up on his forearms as he read from my Kindle. I pulled in a sharp, embarrassed gasp. No! “Are you reading my book?”
He motioned toward my nightstand, letting me know that’s where he’d found it, as if anything laying there was community property or something. Then he laughed again. “I can’t believe you actually read this shit. It’s fucking hilarious. This dude just came like five times inside this chick, like right in a row. In what universe is that even believable?”
Oh my God, of course he’d found a sex scene of all things. “It’s fiction,” I argued defensively as I yanked my Kindle from his hand. “I like it a little bit unbelievable. That’s why I read it, you moron. To escape the real world. If I wanted believable, I’d just stop reading and return to my life.”
“Yeah, but she called his dick a meat shaft.”
“Oh my God.” I scowled. “You’re one of those annoying people who quibble over every little detail in a book, aren’t you?”
He lifted his eyebrows. “I can’t believe you’re not. Did you read what he said to her when she opened her legs—”
“No,” I warned him when he reached for my Kindle to find the cheesy line he wanted to quote. “Don’t you dare ruin this story for me with lo
gical bullshit. I like the emotions it brings out. That’s why I’m reading it.”
He blinked at me a moment before shaking his head and murmuring, “I find this so interesting to learn about you. I mean, really, how can you be so...you, and then read something that’s just so...not you?”
“I told you.” Gritting my teeth, I sent him a glare, trying to get him to leave it alone. “It’s an escape.”
His gaze softened before he quietly asked, “Are you not happy with your life?”
“I...” I fumbled a moment before giving a nervous laugh. “I don’t know what you mean. Of course I’m happy with my life.”
“Then what’re you trying to escape?”
“I don’t...” I shrugged, suddenly exposed and not sure how to answer. “I don’t know. I just get exhausted with always having to perform a certain way and dress a certain way and—”
Colton squinted his eyes. “What do mean a certain way? Don’t you just wear whatever you feel like wearing?”
“Umm...no.” I looked at him as if he were crazy. “No way could I leave my apartment without looking one hundred percent presentable.” When he just stared at me with utter confusion, I sighed. “Never mind. You wouldn’t understand.”
He covered my hands with his. “Then make me understand.”
When I realized he wasn’t going to drop the issue, I growled, “You’re a white male.”
“Okay,” he said slowly. “I knew that one. I just don’t get what the fuck it has to do with anything.”
Oh geez, I guessed I was going to have to be really blunt here. “Well, I’m not a white male. So I have to work twice as hard to get half of what you have. Society looks at me and sees a black woman. I don’t have the luxury of giving them another reason to look down on me and think even less of me. So I do not leave my home with a single hair out of place, without my clothes immaculately put together, without my makeup—”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Colton shook his hands to stop me. “So you...this whole perfection regimen you put yourself through every day is just…it’s all for the haters?”