"You can, ah, plant it later," I explained.
"Why are there gifts under the tree, Evan?"
"Oh, um…some fat guy in a red suit was here. I couldn't stop him."
She laughed as she bent down and added a couple of parcels to the small pile. "Funny. He dropped by the diner and left these."
"Wow, he gets around."
She stood, and I wrapped my arm around her waist. Christmas music played quietly in the background. The lights glowed in the dark—they reflected on the bows and shiny paper packages tucked beneath the tree. The candles flickered and danced, their shadows playing on the walls. It was peaceful and perfect.
Holly sighed, pressing herself back against me. "Thank you."
I kissed her head. "You're welcome."
Holly sat back, smiling at me. The house she lived in had no dining room, so we ate side by side at the counter, our hands often touching, the occasional kiss shared as we ate our dinner together. Holly could, indeed, make gravy, and she patiently walked me through the steps as she mixed and seasoned, tasting until it was right. I doubted I would ever be as proficient as she was, but I let her think I had it down pat.
"That was amazing."
"Your gravy made it work. We're a good team."
She leaned forward, nuzzling my lips. "We are. It was a wonderful Christmas dinner. Thank you."
A realization hit me.
This time, this simple dinner, was how I would remember this Christmas. Not seeing my family. Not the disappointment I feared would happen with trying and failing to fit in with people who never seemed to want me.
No, I would remember Holly. Her warmth. Her acceptance.
Melancholy filled me, and I stood, needing to move. I grabbed our plates, walking over to the sink. A minute later, Holly joined me, wrapping her arms around me from behind. Her warmth soothed me, and I covered her hand that was resting on my chest. We were both silent for a moment, both of us feeling something in the air around us.
"Want to take a walk and see the lights before we have dessert and watch a movie?" she asked tenderly.
I turned and pulled her into my arms. "Yes."
Arm in arm, we strolled the streets, looking at the lights, stopping often to comment on a pretty house or chuckling over some badly done efforts. The night was dark, the moon full, and the stars in the clear sky bright and twinkling over us as we walked, often passing other couples and families out doing the same thing. The air was cold, but not as cold as it had been. Still, though, it was a good excuse to keep Holly close to my side.
At one point, we stopped at a house that was brightly lit, with a variety of decorations and displays out front. There was a large tree in the window, ablaze with colorful lights, and you could see the family inside—Mom, Dad, and two small children running around the room. We watched as, with help, they hung up their stockings before their parents lifted them, laughing, and carried them down the hall, no doubt to tuck them in for the night. I felt my throat tighten at the overwhelming feeling of sudden longing. Glancing down, I saw the expression on Holly's face. The vulnerable sadness I saw made me wince, and I knew she was feeling the same thing. Wanting something you thought you would never have.
"You want that, Holly? A house…kids?"
She sighed, a shaky, low sound of sadness. "I don't know how to be…that," she whispered, her hand indicating the now-empty window.
"Why?"
"I've never settled anywhere. My entire life has been one town after another. I only stayed here because I was so tired of moving. But even now, I know I'm not going to stay. I'll go to school and then somewhere else—" Her voice quavered. "I don't ever want to subject a child to that. Especially my own. It's just too har
d. You never feel…safe."
I shook my head. She would be an amazing mother and partner. Her caring and warmth made her a natural. She couldn't see it, because she didn't see herself clearly.
I squeezed her against my side. "I think you're wrong. I think you're going to find your place. And you'll flourish. You have too much love in you not to."
She looked back at the window and sighed.
Pulling her close, I pressed a kiss to her crown. There was nothing else I could say.
6