He looks surprised. “Really?”
“All of them. Julio, Benji, G-Man, Lee … To be honest, it was a lot less eventful than I expected it to be. Julio already wants me to join them in Austin and split the rent on an apartment. He’s the one who’s ‘so proud’ of me. Lee seemed like he already knew, but that’s no surprise. Toby probably told him. G-Man was so stoned, the news went over his head, had to tell the poor guy twice. Benji thought I was kidding, let out this stupid laugh, then realized I wasn’t, and suddenly he wanted to know everything. I think he’s convinced I already have a secret boyfriend in my pocket.”
Harrison’s eyes falter at those words.
I’m not sure if it was the “secret boyfriend” part, or the whole maybe-moving-to-Austin bit.
“For a moment, I couldn’t answer Benji,” I admit.
“What do you mean?”
I give him a pointed look. “You and I … whatever we have … it felt like my leaving the farm didn’t end it. You and I, we’re still a … a secret something. It’s just paused, like a movie.”
“Like a movie …” he murmurs, studying my face. I notice his lips purse ever so subtly, as if begging to be on mine again. The man doesn’t make a move. And of course he wouldn’t. He’s too respectful. He’s too mindful of my feelings, of my emotional state, of what he thinks is best and right for me.
He’s such a good man, I sometimes wonder if I even deserve him. Maybe I should have looked at it the other way: What if there is a better, kindhearted thirty-something waiting to meet Harrison someday? What if it isn’t my happiness that’s in question, but his?
But my heart beats too potently for him to mind anything else that isn’t in front of me. I feel like there’s a part of my soul missing when I’m not with him. It’s anguish, sleeping in a lonely bed, after learning what it’d be like with him. I can’t be expected to ignore that.
“I’ve missed you too, Harrison. A lot. A crazy lot.”
He closes his eyes. “Hoyt …”
“Don’t worry. I’m not gonna pitch a fit or slam you against this wall right here, tear off your clothes, and worship that body of yours, no matter how badly I know you want it.”
His eyes snap open and he frowns at me.
“But I’ve given it a lot of thought over the week,” I carry on. “And … I may have come up with a proposal.”
“A proposal …?”
“Yep. Of how to move forward. A proposal for us. I think you’ll like it because it has several things you said you want for me.”
He quirks an eyebrow and narrows his eyes. “Now you’ve got me both suspicious and curious.”
“Just how I like you.” I snatch my phone out of his hand and pop it back into my pocket, then meet his eyes. “Here’s my simple proposal: We try this thing out between us. You and me. We go at it with an honest effort. You be my boyfriend. I be yours.”
His eyes search mine, looking for the catch. “How’s that any different than—?”
“We don’t work together anymore,” I go on, pointing out the obvious, “so I won’t interfere with your responsibilities. I’m in my loud, fast-paced element. You’re in your stinky element. Ugh, I miss those stinky animals. I’ll be saving up for college. Apparently I can get a good deal on a used car from Lee’s dad, who’s a mechanic and can pull strings for me. In the meantime, we’re free to be us. To want what we want. To spend time together. And to just …” I can’t help but hook a finger into a belt loop of his jeans and pull his waist against mine ever so subtly. “… do what we want. No dumb excuses. No hiding. No horse barn shenanigans.”
He bows his head, struggling. “Hoyt …”
“Don’t you see? I get all of the things I want. You get all of the things you want. Our lives are left intact if this doesn’t work out. I ain’t missin’ out on nothin’. Can’t you see how badly I want you all to myself? Can you see how badly I want to be your man?”
“Hoyt, you are not making this easy …”
“But it is easy.” I take hold of his face. “I told you once that I feel like anyone I’ve ever loved has run as far away from me as they could. And you said you weren’t running anywhere.”
“I know.”
“You’re right here.” I press a hand to his chest, then grab his hand and press it to mine. “I know my dad lives in me, Harrison. I can see it now, and you helped me see that. But I don’t want you to just be another fuckin’ memory living in my heart of something I loved and lost. I don’t want you to be … an old rocking chair on my patio. Do you know how many nights I slept on it this week?”