Love on the Lake (Lakeside 2)

We stand there for a long time, just holding on to each other. Long enough that my nerves take over and I feel a few chips in my resolve. But I remind myself that we can’t go back to how things were. That I need to be able to stand on my own before I can stand beside him.

Eventually he releases me, but he takes my face between his cold palms, and that smile he’s wearing fades. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just emotional. Today is big. Thank you for coming to pick me up.”

He must see something in my expression, because instead of dipping down to kiss me, he presses his lips to my temple. “I’m here for you, whatever you need, however you need me.”

The drive from the center to Chicago is only about half an hour. We talk about Pearl Lake, and he points to a card on the dash that’s been signed by at least a hundred people. He tells me about his last visit with Jamie, and how he thinks he might be convincing Lydia to move out toward Pearl Lake, and how his dad has been actively looking for his own place on the lake.

“He came down last weekend and stayed at my mom’s.”

“Really? How did that go?”

“My mom was blushing like a teenager every time he so much as glanced at her, so that was awkward as hell, but good, you know? They both deserve to be happy. Kinda makes me wish I’d had that discussion with her a long time ago. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn’t sat on it as long as I did.”

“Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, isn’t it?”

“Seems that way.”

When we reach the outskirts of Chicago, I suggest we stop for a bite to eat. I want more time with Aaron before we get to my dad’s place. And I need to talk to him about what the next few months are going to look like for us.

We stop at a diner and take a seat in one of the booths. After we order, Aaron places his hand on the table palm up, and I slip my hand into his.

“You know, when you come to Pearl Lake next week, you’re more than welcome to stay at my place.” His thumb smooths back and forth along my knuckles.

My stomach flips. I don’t want to say no, but I have to. “About that.” I don’t know if I can do this without getting emotional.

“Is everything okay? Are we okay?” Aaron’s gaze shifts to the side, and he swallows thickly.

“We’re okay.” I give his hand a squeeze.

“Your expression says something a lot different,” he says softly.

“I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone,” I tell him.

His jaw works, and he pulls his hand back, sliding it under the table. “This sounds like the beginning of a breakup speech.”

“It’s not,” I whisper.

“You look like you’re gonna cry, Teagan.”

“That’s because I am.” I fish around in my purse for a tissue.

“Should we leave?” Aaron’s face reads panic.

I shake my head. “One of the steps in recovery is learning not to be dependent on other people. And I know it’s not like a typical addiction, but it still hits all the same notes, you know? My therapist said I shouldn’t be in a relationship right now, and she’s right.”

“So you are breaking up with me, then.” His voice is hoarse and low, and when I glance up at him, his expression nearly shatters my resolve. He looks almost as heartbroken as I feel. Which is how I know what I’m about to say next is the right thing.

“More like hitting the pause button. Again.” I blow out a breath. “I don’t ever want to go down the path I was on again. I don’t want to do that to myself, or you, or us. And for there to be an us, I need more time to work on this.” I motion to myself. “You deserve a better version of me.”

“I’ll love every version of you.”

I smile, but it’s weighed down with sadness. “You’ve been through a lot, Aaron. And so have I. I think we can be great together, but I’m not where I need to be for that to work. And it’s going to be a while before I’m there, maybe longer than you’re willing to wait.”

“How long we talking? Weeks? Months? Years?” He twists a napkin until it tears, then folds his hands on the table.

“Hopefully not years, but it could be a year. It could be less, but I can’t set a deadline, because I honestly don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to get where I need to be emotionally and mentally. I need to learn how to say no and how to stand on my own before I can be someone’s girlfriend.”