Forever Mine (Joe & Ella 2)

“I thought you liked Paolo/Paul whatever his name is?”

“Oh I do, he fits those trousers perfectly, but he’s not good enough for you Ella, and he needed telling and putting in his place.”

“So why did you offer me up as his human sacrifice at the beginning?”

“To make you laugh. You haven’t laughed a lot since you came here yesterday and you used to laugh all the time. I thought if anyone can make her laugh its old octopus arms himself Paolo. Did you see his face when he got a load of you Ella? He looked like all his Christmases had come at once.”

I shook my head and gave a quiet laugh. What would Joe have done if he’d seen the way Paolo held me and danced with me tonight? Good lord it would have been total carnage, Paolo would never Salsa again after Joe had finished with him. Then I scolded myself because I knew

it wasn’t up to Joe who I danced with whether they were an octopus or not, I was in control of me, no one else. I laughed aloud as I imagined how ridiculous I must have looked being thrown around by the phoney Latin love God. At least I’d have something to tell Chris and Robyn next time I talked to them.

5

I woke up with a start, my body was covered in sweat and the mattress felt soaked underneath me. I glanced at the old fashioned clock radio on the white bedside table and it shone back at me with 4:28am on the red screen. I reached over to click the bedside lamp on and threw back the covers. What I saw will haunt me until the day I die. Blood, all over my new pyjama bottoms and soaking through to the mattress, bright red fresh blood.

“No No NO!” I screamed, pushing myself up the bed to sit against the head board. I started panting and shaking, I was freaking out. Minutes later Nan came crashing through the door. She took one look at the bed and went into nurse mode on automatic pilot.

“Come on love, try to stand up, we need to get you off to hospital.”

I held onto Nan’s arms as I slowly hauled myself off the bed. I could feel the blood trickling down my legs as I stood. I started crying and mumbling, not knowing what to do with myself. I was shaking like a leaf holding onto Nan as if my life depended on it.

“I’ll get your bag you just hold onto me and we’ll walk out to the car together okay? Do you think you can manage that?”

I nodded weakly, my legs were like jelly and I felt light headed but I had to keep it together until we got to the car. I couldn’t flake out on my Nan, she was too old to deal with all this.

“I’m losing the baby aren’t I?” I cried out.

“Come on now we don’t know that yet.” Nan said with conviction. “Lots of women have a bleed whilst they’re pregnant. Let’s not speculate Ella, wait till you get to the hospital and they’ll sort you out. It’ll all come right in the end you mark my words.”

Nan drove for forty torturous minutes to the nearest hospital nattering away absent-mindedly as she did to try and keep me calm. I started to get cramps but I tried to hide them from her. I knew myself this wasn’t right, it was anything but. By the time we pulled up to the entrance of the emergency room I could no longer hide my cramps, the pain was excruciating and I was doubled over on the front passenger seat.

“Wait here love I’ll get help.” Nan ran into the hospital and reappeared moments later with a young nurse and, oh no was that Simon Tate? I thought he was a bloody GP, what the hell was he doing here at the hospital at this time of the night?

“Hey Ella, I’m on call tonight, I was just admitting one of my elderly patients and I saw your Nan. I hope you don’t mind me coming out, but I thought I could help you up to the maternity ward, I’ll do what I can to help you Ella.”

I didn’t have time for his niceties.

“Please Simon, just get me in.” I wailed.

I thought he was going to put me on a stretcher or in a wheelchair but he lifted me in his arms and ran to the hospital doors and into the reception area. He didn’t stop for anyone and made straight for the lifts, pushing the button for the floor he needed and leaving everyone else including Nan behind in his haste.

“It’ll be okay Ella, don’t worry it’ll all be okay.” He said soothingly.

“I don’t want to lose my baby.” I cried and he looked down into my eyes with so much sympathy I just sobbed and held his shirt to me, my head burying in his chest as he kissed the top of my head. I was sure I felt a tear drop from his eyes too, he was such an empathetic person, always had been.

Once the lift doors opened up to the corridor for the maternity unit, Simon strode forward, using his pass to open the doors and get me seen as soon as possible. Once the midwives saw me it felt like the place erupted into chaos, everyone on action stations.

Simon carried me to a private room and a group of midwives gathered machinery, towels and all sorts of scary equipment.

“Are you the father?” One of them asked Simon and he shook his head but I couldn’t bear to be parted from him he was like the raft I was clinging to in this sea of despair.

“Please let him stay, I need him.” I demanded, and they nodded.

Simon sat next to the bed and held my hand as they did the awful checks they needed to do to assess the situation. The next few hours went by in a blur of activity. I can barely recount what happened, what was said and in what order. All I can recall is that there was no heart beat detected. Apparently there was evidence that the pregnancy tissue was infected at some point, I wasn’t sure, but I do remember them prepping me for surgery.

My next clear memory was waking up in the hospital. Nan and Simon were on either side of me and both were asleep in their chairs. I lifted the bed covers and looked down at my tummy, a tear running down my cheek as it hit me, there was no babba anymore. No little bean cooking away in there. My last link to Joe was gone. I felt empty, worthless and guilty. Had I done something wrong? Was it the dance class last night, was that too much exercise?

Maybe I hadn’t taken good enough care of myself, I had been drinking early on in the pregnancy. It had to be that, I didn’t deserve this baby obviously. I felt like a total failure, even Anna had managed to get to five months without losing her baby. Oh God Anna, she would love all this. How would I ever be able to deal with her and Joe parading a new born baby around when mine was gone forever? In that moment I wished God had taken me too.