This Cruel Love

I gestured for Cill to leave her room and we made our way back through to the living area.

“You pulled that one out of the bag, didn’t you?” He walked over to the door to leave.

“Haven’t had much else to think about all night.”

To be honest, I hadn’t slept at all, just stayed awake thinking about what I’d do when she came home. I’d thought a hell of a lot about what Cill had said too, and he was right. I couldn’t let her walk away. I knew I didn’t deserve her, but I didn’t want anyone else to have her either. I didn’t know what would happen between us, if anything. But I knew one thing; she wasn’t leaving me today. I wanted her close by. She made me feel calmer, more at peace than I’d felt in years. I couldn’t give that up, not now.

Seventeen years ago…

“What’re you doing, son?”

My dad ambled wearily into my room. He was still dressed in his pyjamas. It was four in the afternoon, but it wasn’t unusual for him to be like this. Sometimes he wouldn’t leave his bed for days on end, choosing to hide from the world behind his bedroom door. I hated those days the most. I felt like the parent on those days. I’d bring him food and drink, encourage him to shower and clean up. He never listened though. In the end, I had to wait it out until the dark cloud passed and he was back to being a fully functioning dad again.

“I’m packing my fishing gear. Travis and his dad are going fishing today and they said I could tag along.”

I was going to invite my dad too, but judging from his lack of clothing, I figured he was bunking down for the foreseeable future, doing his absent parent routine. It bothered me less these days.

It’d always been me and dad against the world, ever since Mum died when I was two. Just the two of us. The guys, as he liked to call us. He treated me more like a friend than a son sometimes, expecting me to provide emotional support for him, even though I was only fourteen. I tried my best, but it was difficult never knowing what version of my dad I was gonna get from one day to the next.

“Not today, son.” He shook his head and took my holdall with some of my fishing gear off my bed, throwing it back into my closet.

“Dad, I’m going. It’s the school holidays and we haven’t done anything all week. I like being with Travis and his dad. It’s fun.”

I tried to make a grab for my holdall, but he shoved me backwards and I fell onto my bed.

“When I say no, I mean no. You’re my son, and you’ll do as I say.”

“I’m fourteen and I can do what I like,” I argued back.

“Not under my roof you can’t. Anyway, you won’t be welcome there. These trips to the Emerson’s… they’re gonna have to stop. You can’t go there anymore.”

“That’s bullshit,” I snapped, ready to bolt out the door and leave him to fend for himself.

“Watch your mouth!” he scolded me,

moving to stand over where I was on the bed. “I know you like them. I know you like the whole family thing they have going on, but that’s all coming to an end now. We’re going to have to start making some changes soon. Things around here are gonna be a bit… different for a while.”

I didn’t have a clue what he was on about, but I did know one thing; I wasn’t giving up my visits to the Emerson’s for anything. I loved that house, the family, all of them. They kept me sane, especially when dad was going through one of his downers. Just an afternoon with them made me feel a part of something that was exciting, hopeful.

“How? How will anything be different?” I shouted.

I could feel a full-on sulk coming on. A day stuck at home with my dad wallowing in his pit wasn’t the best.

“Nina, Mrs Emerson, she’ll be moving in with us for a while.”

My throat went dry.

“Why? What’s going on, Dad?”

I didn’t want to hear his answer. I dreaded what he was going to say.

“Because I love her. She loves me, and she’s leaving Harry to be with me.”

And there it was, the knife through my body, piercing my heart and my lungs simultaneously, making it difficult to breathe, and creating an immense overpowering pain in my chest. I felt nothing but disgust for my father in that moment.

“Why? Why would she do that? She can’t leave them. She can’t leave the family. Travis will never speak to me again, and what about Ryley? She’s only six, Dad. She’s too little to lose her mum. Why are you doing this?”

I hated him. I didn’t want Mrs Emerson coming to live with us. I’d rather never see them again than break up their family like my dad was suggesting.