I wished life could be different. That she could be mine. But my life and hers were light years apart, and she didn’t deserve to be dragged into the hell that was my world. I loved Effy Spencer with all my heart, had done for years, but I could never let her know. If she came too close to me, she might get burnt, and I couldn’t take that chance. I wasn’t ever going to let that happen. I loved her enough to let her go.
She came into the room and closed the door, then pulled up a chair to sit next to the bed. All the time, she kept her eyes on the floor. I loved that about her, that she was as shy as I was. On her, it was endearing. It showed how pure she was that she was so hesitant around others, always careful to say and do the right thing. With me, it just made me look like a twat who couldn’t string a sentence together.
“I’m sorry if you don’t want me here…”
She was the only one I ever wanted to be around, and the one person I had to push away.
“But when Emily rang me, I had to come.” She lifted her head to look at me and the shine of tears in her eyes made my thumping heart ache for her. A thousand beatings from my uncle wouldn’t hurt half as much as seeing her in pain because of me. It was a stark reminder of why I was no good for her. A lifetime of my crap wouldn’t be fair on anyone, least of all her.
“Are you okay?” She went to reach forward, then thought better of it and wrung her hands in her lap.
“I’ve been better.” I kept my head down, focusing on the cheap blue hospital blanket draped over the bed. I couldn’t take another second of the pity in her eyes. What woman would want a man that made her feel like that? Surely they wanted a protector like Brandon, or a fixer like Ryan and Zak. Nobody wanted an emotional cripple like me. I knew I had to let her go, and yet, I couldn’t seem to make that final cut. It was too painful.
“What happened? Was it a gang? I know there’s been a bit of trouble lately with gangs from outside Sandland coming in and causing problems.”
I thought about denying it, but getting done over by a gang, outnumbered and overpowered, sounded better than the reality of it all. So, I shrugged and let her make up her own mind. At least her version made me look like less of a dickhead and a coward.
“You know I’m here for you, don’t you? If you need anything… I can bring some clothes in. Have they told your family?” She glanced around the room, looking for evidence that they’d been here. Pigs flying past the window was more likely to happen than my parents running down here to see me. They’d probably do a quick phone call to check I was still alive and leave it at that.
“Shall I pop round and get you some stuff? You know, pyjamas, toiletries, that sort of thing?”
“I’ll get Brandon to do it. It’s fine,” I snapped. The last place I wanted her to be was at my parent’s house. What if my uncle rocked up and saw her? I wouldn’t put it past him. I felt sick at the thought of him even looking at her, let alone being near her. Sick bastard.
“I shouldn’t have come.”
“No, you shouldn’t.” I regretted saying it the second the words fell out. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel worse. “I don’t like you seeing me like this,” I added, trying to claw back some dignity.
“I just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone, Finn. Please.” The sadness in her eyes broke me, and I closed my own to stem the tears that were trying to push their way out.
“I’m tired. I need to rest.” I turned my head away from her and kept my eyes shut tight. When I heard the click of the door, indicating that she’d left, I glanced back towards the chair where she’d sat, and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling free.
In my dreams, I was her everything.
In reality, I was her worst nightmare.
Only, she refused to see it. But maybe, after seeing me here, she’d finally walk away.
Why did that thought make me feel like giving up entirely?
The moment I took that call from Emily, my heart shattered into a million pieces, and each piece pierced my soul until it hurt to breathe. I thought coming down here would ease the excruciating pain somewhat, but it only made it worse.
He didn’t want me here.
He didn’t care that I cared.
And yet, when I looked into his eyes, I could see all the pain he held inside him, like tidal waves of dark emotions crashing against his impenetrable walls, desperate to break free.
I don’t know why I kept doing this to myself. Going through the hurt and rejection every damn day, only to pick myself up and dust myself off again, ready to endure more heartache. But I did, because he had a way of pulling me back in whenever I pulled away, sometimes without even trying. All it took was a look, a sigh, a silent signal from his soul to mine. You see, our souls were made of the same energy, the same level of intensity. Only thing was, he couldn’t see it yet. Or if he did, he was fighting it.
I tried not to show how much it hurt to look at him lying broken in the hospital bed. His eyes were so swollen that you could barely see the emerald-green sparkles that I always got lost in. His soft, full lips were split and the urge to reach out and touch them was all-consuming. I wanted to make him feel better, but he couldn’t look at me. Instead, he focused on anything in the room other than me, using his dark hair to shield himself as it fell ac
ross his eyes.
When he turned his face away from me to rest, I held in the sob that rippled in my throat. He didn’t need my misery on top of his own. His shoulders were already sagging; overloaded with the weight of his troubled life. A life I had no idea about, but I wanted to. I was that woman, clinging onto the edge of the cliff as the rocks fell away, desperately hanging on, but knowing eventually she’d have to let go and hope for the best. Resigning myself to the reality of my fate as I slipped further over the precipice, only to claw myself back to safety, spurred on by the occasional, fragile lifelines he threw my way. The latest lifeline came to me right then, as I stood in the hallway, leaning up against his hospital door. The heart-breaking sound of him crying into an empty room.
I wanted to go back in. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and remind him he wasn’t alone. But I couldn’t. If I did, I knew I’d destroy any self-respect he had left. It was bad enough that I’d seen him beaten and bloody. For me to witness him so vulnerable would probably destroy him completely.
Instead, I leant my forehead against the door and prayed to God that whoever had hurt him would get their ass kicked even harder when karma finally caught up to them. And I swore that I’d try harder to be the type of friend he needed. Not some love-sick teenager, following him around like a lost puppy, but a rock he could count on. I’d loved Finn Knowles since the first time I’d laid eyes on him in high school. But I could never tell him. I knew that was a sure-fire way to scare him off. So, I accepted whatever place I could hold in his life. After all, being a friend was better than being a nobody.