I pushed myself off the door I was leaning against, even though I felt the magnetic pull trying to reel me back in, keep me in place; mind, body and soul. As I walked back down the corridor to leave, my heart hurt, and it took every scrap of willpower I had to get out of there.
When I reached the exit, I saw Liv huffing and puffing her way up the hospital’s entrance ramp towards me. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, her brow scrunched deep in thoughts that kept her oblivious to the world around her. I hadn’t realised she’d be that affected by Finn’s accident, but when she looked up and saw me, her face fell. A wash of pity and sorrow came over her, and I knew then that it wasn’t Finn she was here for, or him she was worrying about. It was me.
“I didn’t expect to see you here.” I stopped in my tracks and let her walk the final few steps towards me.
“Em rang me. She didn’t want you to be alone, and neither do I. Are you okay?” She tilted her head to look me in the eyes, concern radiating off of her.
“I’m fine. Finn isn’t though. He’s in a bad way, Liv.”
She nodded and her eyes dipped back down again. I could tell she was thinking about what to say next, choosing her words carefully. It wasn’t often that Liv was apprehensive over what she had to say, but when she was, she had the same look on her face that she did now. A look of uncertainty over whether her next move was a wise one, and when she spoke again, I could tell she was stalling.
“I know it’s not good. I got the low-down from Em, and I’m sorry he got attacked like that. It’s really shit.”
She spoke from the heart, and as she reached out to pull me to her, I let her. I needed a hug from my best friend.
“Yes, it is,” I said in a muffled voice as I buried my face into her cashmere scarf.
“How was he when you went in?”
Reluctantly, I stepped out of her embrace and wiped the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“He looks a mess. His eyes are swollen, his face is fucked up. He’s in a lot of pain.”
Liv gave me a sorrowful smile and shrugged.
“I kind of guessed that part. I meant, how was he with you?”
I knew what she was getting at. She wasn’t here for the rundown on Finn’s physical state, she’d gotten that already from Emily. She was here to see where my head was at… as if she didn’t already know.
“He was… Finn,” I answered as honestly as I could. “He didn’t want me there. That much was obvious. But apart from Ryan, Brandon, and Zak, who else has he got?”
Liv grabbed me by my shoulders a little too tightly, making me flinch and jerk backwards slightly.
“It’s not your job to fix him, Eff,” she said, taking hold of me again and shaking me.
“But I’d be a really shitty friend if I just walked away.” I pushed her arms off of me and started to head away from the hospital doors we were currently blocking. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have in full view of the whole reception area.
“Friends. Is that what you want?” she called out after me. “Because it’s pretty clear to me that’s not what this is about.” Liv marched to catch me up, and tried to stop me by grabbing my arm, but I needed to keep moving. Those metaphorical walls were closing in, and I had to put some space between me and the impending interrogation she was about to throw my way. “He might be in there hurting, but you’re in as much pain as he is, and you shouldn’t be. He isn’t being fair. You want more than friendship, and he’s an emotional cripple who can’t get his head straight. You deserve more than that.”
Hearing her cruel words, I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to face her.
“Don’t call him that.”
“Why not? It’s true.” She flung her arms out and gave me a look that told me I needed to wake up. But I didn’t like her version of my reality. “He’s kept you dangling for ages now. Acts like he’s interested then freaks out when you get close. He blows hot and cold all the time, and I feel like a right bitch for saying this when he’s lying in a hospital bed, but he’s not good enough for you. Find a guy that fights for you, chases you; makes you feel like you’re the only girl in his world. One that’ll shout from the rooftops that he likes you and doesn’t care who knows about it. Don’t you want that for yourself?”
“Of course I do. Listen, Liv, I know what you’re saying, but now is not the right time. He needs me.”
“You need you. He needs to help himself. Find the support from the lads, or lean on his family more. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”
I knew she spoke sense, but it still hurt to hear it.
“Life isn’t black and white,” I spat. “Not for Finn, anyway.”
He had a story, a crutch that was holding him back from living freely. Only trouble was, I had no idea what that crutch was. Or was it a boulder? A massive chain around his neck, weighing him down in the gutter like an anchor. Was it dragging me down too?
“Maybe I’m being harsh at a really shitty time.” Liv’s shoulders sagged and she wrapped her arms around herself. “I’m not known for having perfect timing or tact, but I don’t care about that. I care about you.”
I went towards her, dropping my anger and ditching the flimsy wall I’d built only seconds ago.