“I appreciate your concern, really, I do. You’re my best friend, but I’m not a kid. I know what I’m doing.”
“You’re too nice.” She sighed, then gave a soft laugh. “You need a fucker like me with balls of steel to stand up and say when you’re being made a mug of.”
“He isn’t making a mug of me.”
Is he?
“He isn’t treating you right either.”
She’d hit the nail on the head.
I’d seen how Ryan changed for Emily, and how Brandon was obsessed with Harper. I’d always hoped that in time, Finn would come to see me as something more than what he saw now. But I had to face facts… That day might never come, no matter how much I prayed for it.
“Fine. Whatever. I really don’t want to talk about this now. I’ve got enough on my mind. It’d be nice to know you have my back at least.” I was being defensive, I knew that, and I cringed at how rude I sounded, but I didn’t have the energy for this anymore. I was tired and drained of any and all arguments.
“I’ll always have your back. That’s why I’m here. Just be careful, okay? I know you. I know how much you feel for him. I also know that when he breaks your heart, and it will happen, it’ll destroy you. I’m here to let you know I’ll pick up every damn piece, one by one, but I’ll be crushing his balls in a vice with my other hand as I do. Take care of your heart. It isn’t safe with him.”
I didn’t reply, I just turned and walked the last few steps to Liv’s car and got in, feeling numb. In the back of my mind, all I could think about was horses, stable doors, and bolting. You know, that old saying. She said my heart wasn’t safe with Finn, but it was too late. I’d given my heart to him years ago. It was lying in the palm of his hand. Now, all I could do was hope there’d be something left when he eventually gave it back.
Five years ago
“Show them weakness and they’ll walk all over you. No one is ever what they seem. You need to remember that,” Brandon said, pointing his fork in my face as we sat in the noisy school cafeteria.
Brandon meant well, and I knew he was trying to toughen me up in his own way, but it was easy for him. He had the strength and the muscle to back him up when shit hit the fan. That wasn’t how I did things. I usually found burying my head in the sand was a better option for me, but failing that, I preferred to live in the shadows. Keep myself to myself and avoid the drama, if I could. Silence wasn’t weakness. Not in my book. Silence showed an inner strength. I kept my demons under lock and key so the rest of the world didn’t have to witness what true evil lurked out there, and what it could do to kids like me.
“I’m not weak.” I bit down on my stale ham sandwich, even though my appetite was non-existent, my mouth was dry, and I was struggling to chew. Sitting here, having everyone’s eyes on us, made me feel self-conscious. The others liked the attention. I didn’t. I might have been a Renaissance man in name, but truthfully, I didn’t deserve the title. What did I bring to the group?
Brandon sat tall, as always, but I kept my head down, choosing to sketch the skull design I’d been working on all morning, and balancing my sandwich in my other hand. That way, I could block the world out.
They had big plans; Ryan, Brandon, and Zak.
Me?
I was tagging along for the ride.
They wanted to own Sandland, be kings of this shitty little town. Ryan, he had a head for numbers. Zak was all about technology. And Brandon
? He was going to fight his way to the top. But I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t cut out to be a king. I was a follower. A loner. I liked my own company, and I hated being in crowds. After the meetings we’d had in Zak’s bedroom, discussing parties and fights we could organise, I struggled to see what my role could be. My only talent was fading into the background, not being noticed, and art.
I watched as Ryan dropped down heavily into the chair opposite us. His tray of food clattering onto the table made me flinch, and he quirked his eyebrow at me questioningly, then proceeded to attack his burger like he hadn’t eaten in days. I was about to ask him how his maths test had gone, but he froze, and his eyes darted to the door where Emily Winters stood, glancing around hesitantly, probably looking for her older brother, Danny. Ryan tried to hide the blush on his cheeks and the way his hands began to shake slightly, but I noticed. He had a thing for Emily, but he didn’t want anyone to know. He had too much respect for Danny to ever go there.
“Take this joker,” Brandon said, totally oblivious to Ryan’s current predicament. He nodded at some kid walking out of the food service area, carrying a tray loaded with a mountain of spaghetti and meatballs. I glanced up from my drawing, not really caring about some random dude I’d never met before. Brandon leant into me, so that Ryan couldn’t hear. “He stood by and watched me get my ass kicked a few years ago, back when Lockwood and Yates thought they were someone. The idiot just stood there and laughed while they kicked the shit out of me in an alleyway at the side of McDonalds. I begged that fucker to get help. I thought they were gonna kill me that day. But he shook his head and cackled like a motherfucker at what they were doing. He was glad it wasn’t him getting the beating. He didn’t have the balls to help me. Now look at him. Shady fucker. Revenge is sweet, my friend.”
Brandon winked at me, and I watched as he slid his foot out to the side and the kid tripped over it and fell on his ass. The tray crashed to the floor and he followed close behind, face planting the spaghetti. The noise and commotion Brandon created made every person in the cafeteria stop what they were doing to look over at us. Gasps and muffled laughter resounded in the air as the kid stood up, his lunch dripping off his face and down his clothes. He was a fucking mess. I couldn’t keep the shock off my face, but Brandon threw his head back and laughed. He laughed just like this kid had done in the alley all those years ago.
“What the fuck, man?” Ryan glared at Brandon and went to stand up, but a voice made him drop back down into his chair.
“You’re a no-good, nasty bully, Brandon Mathers. Why would you do that?” Emily Winters was on her knees, scraping up what was left of this kid’s lunch onto the tray he’d dropped, and giving Brandon a look that could kill.
Brandon shrugged as if he’d picked the guy at random, just because he could. He didn’t let on that they had history. Why would he? That’d show weakness, and like he said, that’s something you could never show.
“I think he’ll live.” He gestured to the kid, who was a little on the larger side. “He’s got enough energy stored up to last him ‘til Christmas. Or maybe he can drop by McDonalds on his way home.” He said that last part through gritted teeth, and the kid narrowed his eyes at Brandon, and then recognition struck. He snapped his mouth shut, started to mumble something about getting out of there, and backed into a corner to get away from us. He knew why Brandon had targeted him, and he probably realised, in some sick and twisted way, he deserved it.
“One day, someone bigger and tougher is going to come along and teach you a lesson. Bullies never win,” Emily said over her shoulder as she followed the kid to try and help him.
“Never gonna happen, Winters. I’m the best. Or didn’t you get the memo? I can show you, after school, if you like?” He winked at her and then grinned like a lunatic, but she huffed as she stormed away. She wasn’t scared of him. She looked like nothing intimidated her.
“Back off,” Ryan snapped, and I started to zone out as the two of them began arguing about what Brandon had just done. I didn’t hear a word they said because my mind had switched to a kaleidoscope of heightened emotions I couldn’t fathom, watching another girl next to Emily, who was helping the kid clean himself up and calm down.