Fractured Minds (Rebels of Sandland 3)

Who was I kidding?

It was never an if; it was a when.

But I also knew, if I didn’t go it’d look suspicious, and I didn’t want any of my mates asking questions about me or probing into stuff that I didn’t want them to know about. Not now. Now, it was my turn to protect them. I couldn’t let them find out about this. I had to dance with these devils all on my own.

“Sure. I’m in.”

In body, anyway, but my mind? That was long gone.

“You look like you’ve lost weight, mate. You need to come down the gym with me and I’ll get you bench pressing enough to build those muscles back up.” Brandon fake punched my chest and grinned, flexing his own muscles.

He meant well, and in his usual, subtle way, he was trying to lighten my dark mood. He could sense something wasn’t right with me today, but he knew better than to address the problem head-on. But lifting weights or training in the ring with him wasn’t going to help me. Not this time.

“For God’s sake,

give him a break,” Harper piped up from across the room. “You look great, Finn.” She smiled, then turned and glared at Brandon. “Not everyone is obsessed with muscles like you, you know.”

He huffed out a laugh and strode over to her, wrapping his arms around her from behind and stroking her baby bump. When he nuzzled into her neck, he made her giggle.

“It’s not just muscles I’m obsessed with,” he grunted low.

I turned away. I loved that my best friend had found his soulmate, but I didn’t want to stand there like an idiot, watching them make out. It was bad enough that I didn’t have what they had, but I didn’t need salt rubbing into that wound.

Brandon and Harper were settled. They’d bought an apartment in town not far from Ryan and Emily, and they had the babies on the way. They’d made it; and just walking through their door, you could feel the warmth and love in the place. If Brandon had his way, the apartment would be full of steel, chrome, and pictures of Bruce Lee, but Harper had done a really good job putting her stamp on it. She’d made it into a proper family home, something Brandon deserved after the life he’d had.

They’d both asked me if I’d paint something special for the nursery, and I had. I was proud of the fairy garden that I’d created, spanning all four walls. Being in a brighter headspace when I’d done it had been refreshing. A welcome break from the darkness I usually injected into my work. Knowing that those little girls would wake up every day to a magical world I’d created gave me life. The fact that they’d find new things hidden every single day made it all worthwhile; a fairy behind a flower, a mouse peaking from a toadstool, the hidden messages written on tree trunks and petals. I’d put more energy and thought into that mural than any other piece I’d ever made. Even I’d forgotten half of what was hidden in there.

I jumped when I heard, “Put her down,” bellowed from the doorway behind me, and I turned to see Ryan and Emily walking through the door, chuckling at Brandon and Harper’s display. Moments later, my heart crashed hard against my chest as Effy appeared. Seeing her put my whole body on high alert, and the fear I was harbouring from the text messages I’d received this morning began to fade away now that there was a new emotion to get under control. I was excited, nervous, tense, and apprehensive all at once. I never knew how to be around her when we were with the others. I didn’t like sharing my moments with her. I liked it better when they were in private.

I pretended that I was too engrossed in one of Harper’s Rodin prints on the wall to mask the fact that I wasn’t expecting to see her today and I hadn’t prepared myself mentally. As always, she took my breath away and made me stop still in my tracks, wondering what a girl like her would ever see in someone like me. And then I remembered the kiss. Our first kiss. And I felt the flame of my cheeks burning at the memory. Did she feel the same? Did her heart race for me like mine did for her?

“How are you doing, Finn?” Emily came to stand next to me as Ryan slapped me on the back and went straight through to Brandon’s kitchen. Probably to steal from his fridge like Brandon had done for years at Ryan’s dad’s.

“I’m okay.” I shrugged, keeping my focus solely on the wall and not on the girl that stood out like a beacon in a room of darkness.

“The bruises are fading. Do you still feel pain when you move?”

I went to answer that I was okay, just like I’d said before, but Ryan piped up, “Quit fussing, woman. He’s fine.”

Emily didn’t like that and she spun round to challenge him.

“Woman? What are you, a caveman?” She narrowed her eyes at him but laughed as he banged on his chest with his fist and winked back at her. Here was another couple that had it all, as far as I could tell. I really didn’t need any more reminders about how tragic my own life was, but I guess fate had other plans for me.

Emily patted my arm, then moved to the other side of the room to talk babies with Harper. Ryan and the others were hunched over Brandon’s laptop discussing the wifi. And I just stood there like a fool, ignoring the elephant in the room… my crippling anxiety and hopeless social awkwardness.

Effy shuffled on the edge of the group just like I did, and to my surprise, I found myself talking first in an attempt to settle her nerves.

“I didn’t think you’d be here.” Not the best opener, but I was impressed with myself for making a move. So was she, if the light in her eyes was anything to go by.

“Harper asked me and Em to come and see the nursery. Is my being here a problem? I thought after last night that…” she stuttered over what to say to finish her sentence and it made me ache for her, to see her falter like that.

“Of course, its fine.” I stepped a little closer so the others couldn’t overhear. “I like seeing you.” I whispered the last part, but she heard me and smiled as her eyes darted down to the ground. When she bit her lip, I wanted to reach forward and tug it free. I wanted to do a lot of things.

“I was going to text you, after… you know… but I didn’t want to bug you,” she said, blushing. I loved that she’d thought about me.

“You would never be bugging me.” I reached forward and touched her, but pulled away again. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it in front of the others, but the way she stood and her whole vibe had me buzzing. It was getting harder to ignore how she pulled me in. Magnetic forces had nothing on the attraction I felt for Effy Spencer.

“So, a few of us are going to the cinema tonight. Just Em, Ryan, Liv, and me. I thought maybe… if you weren’t busy… or you wanted to… you might come with us? With me?” Her face shone as she spoke. The hope and light in her eyes was distracting and infectious. And like a cruel motherfucker, fate was giving me the middle finger yet again. Flashing the prospect of a future in front of my eyes and ripping it to pieces as it laughed at me.