Fractured Minds (Rebels of Sandland 3)

My heart literally dropped from my chest and shattered on the floor. What the hell was I supposed to say? I couldn’t go. I had blackmailing psychopaths to deal with. Fuck. Why did shit like this keep happening to me? When was I ever going to catch a break?

“I can’t.” I was the one to stumble over my words now, and I winced at the pain in my chest when I saw how hard her face fell. “It’s not that I don’t want to… I just can’t.”

She nodded to herself and took a step away from me. I could sense her walls going up as her body stiffened and she tried really hard to keep her emotions in check. From the pained expression on her face, you’d think I’d just stabbed her in the back. Maybe I had?

“I get it,” she said without looking at me. “It’s too soon. You have stuff to take care of that’s more important.” She used air quotes as she referred to my stuff and I knew she thought I was bullshitting again. I couldn’t blame her.

“It’s not more important, it’s just important that I take care of it now,” I urged and wished to God that I could tell her there was nothing more I wanted to do tonight than sit in a warm cinema with my arms around her, but I couldn’t. I had to go to shitty Brinton Manor and spend my night creating art so that this town didn’t find out how dark my past really was. “I have business to take care of. It can’t wait.”

“But I always will.” She sighed and ran her hands over her face. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”

“No. It was, and you’re right. I’m the one who should be sorry.” And I was. So sorry I felt like cutting myself open right in front of her to show her how it blackened my soul to keep hurting her like this. My body and my mind were a fractured fucking mess and she didn’t deserve any of it.

“When is it going to be our turn?” she said so softly I almost didn’t hear her. But I felt it, the pain as she spoke, because it mirrored my own.

I felt a jolt of anger and then I wanted to kick my own ass for putting her through this. She was hurting because of me, and after the morning I’d had, I wasn’t in the right headspace to deal with this or find a way to put things right. I had to get out of there, get my shit together, and do what I needed to get done.

Like I always

told myself, Effy deserved better. Better than how I was treating her. Fight or flight? I was sick of doing both, but the fight I had to face was somewhere else, so I took the second option.

“I need to go,” I said, hoping I was putting her out of her misery.

“Yeah,” she mumbled like it was nothing, and turned and walked over to the girls, not giving me a second glance. As I headed to the doorway and looked back, calling out that I was leaving, they all looked back at me puzzled, all except Effy. She didn’t look at me at all. Why would she when I’d just ripped both of our hearts out.

I could feel the burn of tears threatening to break loose as he walked out of the door. And the shame. Shame that he couldn’t even be in a room with me for longer than a few minutes without running. I thought we’d made progress the other night when he kissed me. But no. He had to run again. What chance did I have to ever make that okay? To be something to him when we were always one step forward and two steps back. More like two hundred steps to be honest, and I was exhausted. We papered over cracks that would never mend and I wasn’t even sure if he wanted to mend them in the first place. I needed to face facts; we were never meant to be together.

“Eff, are you okay?” Emily’s gentle tone set me off.

“I’m fine. I just need a minute. Is the bathroom this way?” I kept my voice in check even though my cheeks were wet with silent tears, and I shielded my face so they couldn’t see how pathetic I was.

I headed down the hallway, trying to find whatever room I could to hide in, on the pretext that I was going to the bathroom. But I didn’t care where I ended up, as long as they didn’t see me cry. I hated that I was this weak fucking mess, and it had to stop. I needed to get a grip.

Pushing open the first door I came to, I was met with a sea of greens, purples and pinks. This was obviously the girls’ nursery, and I slumped into the nursing chair set up in the corner and threw my head back, closing my eyes and giving myself a mental pep talk. It wasn’t long before Emily and Harper found me. Feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed, I covered my face with my hands, trying to get my emotions in check, but I was too far gone. I couldn’t hide this from them.

“Oh, Eff. I’m so sorry. What did he say to you?” Emily asked in that caring tone of hers.

“It’s not what he said, it’s just… ugh… I can’t do this anymore. I’m not strong enough.” I gripped the arms of the chair tightly as I tried to calm down, and the gentle sway of it rocking me to and fro helped somewhat.

“Now, listen here. You are strong. Don’t ever tell yourself you’re not. Whatever happened back there, you cannot let it break you.” Emily spoke with determination. She knew what it felt like to fight for what you wanted. But I wasn’t Emily. I didn’t have her eternal optimism.

“It already has broken me.”

I let Emily hug me as Harper knelt down with us and stroked my arm in comfort. I didn’t know what I’d do without my friends.

“Men can be jerks,” Harper said, shaking my knee to make sure I was listening. “We all know that. Finn is complicated and as frustrating as hell, but he loves you, Effy. I know he does. We can all see it.”

“Does he?” If she’d asked me last night, I might have agreed, but today was a different matter.

“Maybe that’s what’s scaring him most of all? That he loves you so much he doesn’t know how to handle it.”

So much he can’t bear to see this through and bails every chance he gets?

“That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it.” I sniffed back my pitiful tears and wiped my face.

“I know.” Harper had been there. She knew better than anyone what it was like to love someone against all the odds. But Brandon didn’t walk out on her, not once. He fought for her.

Why wouldn’t Finn fight for me?