"Where's lil sis, you actually letting her breathe?" I looked around for Carrie. Since the wedding you hardly saw one of them without the other. It’s almost as if one can’t breathe without the other for too long. My brother is totally whipped but I won't be the one to bring that to his attention though. I might catch a left hook; he can be a bit volatile at times.
"Funny bro. Well?"
"Well what?" He sighed before dropping down next to me, glaring me down.
"If you sit around here like this one more day I will personally go to that skank's holding cell and strangle the fuck out of her."
Crazy fuck would probably do it too. "What makes you think I'm thinking about her?"
"Kill the shit Matt, it's been weeks since she's been arrested. You haven't even looked at your cars in all that time, and you haven't hardly left the house."
"I'm fine bro just getting my head straight." I didn’t look at him as I said it because there was something there; something sickening in my stomach that I didn’t quite understand whenever I faced him or anyone else in the family.
"About what?"
Fucker's like a dog with a bone.
"Leave it alone Joshua, I said I'm fine." He's not the only Steele with more than a little fire, though he tends to forget that and the fact that I'm older. I guess he thinks I lost my teeth when the bitch gutted me, and I guess I have been acting like it.
"Do you know what you're telling me Matthew? You're telling me that my happiness is at the expense of yours." That shit threw me for a hot minute and that sick feeling burned a hole in my gut.
"What the fuck, where'd you come up with that one? You're slipping Einstein, that shit’s not even cool bro." Fuck have I really been making him feel like that? Shit never crossed my mind, I’ve just been feeling lost. I’d passed up the opportunity to graduate a year early so that I could wait for my little brother. I’ve always been aware that this small town was too stifling for him somehow. So I’d convinced myself early on that I had to stay and keep watch over him until we could both get out together. Besides as close as we are it was the only thing that made sense.
Maybe that was part of Patti’s problem, the fact that I was so over protective of my brother. The fact that we’re so close and that I always looked out for him. There were times when I’d put him before her and it had driven her crazy, maybe I should’ve learned from that. Now our lives have been changed in ways I hadn’t been prepared for. We' re still getting out, only now he's got his wife and I've got shit. Shit, that doesn't even sound right in my head. Was I really that fucked up that I begrudged my brother his happiness? No fucking way, not even a little bit. Whatever was going on inside my head had nothing to do with envy, and everything to do with disappointment in myself.
"I never meant to make you feel that way bro I'm happy as fuck for you and lil sis you know that. I just...I feel a little adrift right now you know, no biggie it'll pass." He studied me for a minute without saying anything until I was ready to ask him what the fuck!
"One of those things worrying you wouldn't happen to be school would it?"
I just looked at him without saying a word. What was there to say after all? The truth is I always had my life mapped out. I was going to go off to college with Josh in tow and Patti would follow me wherever I ended up. We'd get married eventually, move back here and have about six kids. Fuck, how did I not know she was a psychotic bitch?
Finally I just nodded my head; after all he'd just pull it out of me anyway, brainy fuck.
"No worries bro, we've already got it covered."
"Who's we and what did you cover?"
"Carrie and I, she went snooping and found your acceptance letter. Imagine my surprise when you didn't tell me about it. Did you think I forgot what you'd always planned bro? Shame on you."
"Carrie was snooping in my room?"
"Yep that's the price you pay for making her feel like she fucked up your life. By the way cut that shit out, if she sulks over it one more time it’s gonna be your ass.”
“What did you do bro?”
“Signed you up of course, the fuck you think I did?”
I wasn’t sure if to be mad or grateful, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go anymore. And that was just bullshit.