Croix’s accident and subsequent convalescence were proof of that and had opened my eyes to why Carrie had made the choices she had.
Once upon a time, we’d been close. It hadn’t been love, more like a friendship with benefits. The friendship had been full of trust, though, and the breach of that trust had stung. It’d also given me a kick in the balls because Tana had begun working at the ranch by then, so having my past shoved in our faces, along with becoming a dad with no warning, had almost made me feel ashamed.
The fact that she loved him implicitly, much like she loved me, was what had healed the part of me that’d felt raw about it all. My anger at the hospital for not calling me when Toby was first born and sick remained, but I had to focus on what was important.
I couldn’t change the past, and what’d happened to Carrie and Croix was proof of how short life could be. I needed to focus on and enjoy the good parts and put the bad ones behind me.
“I wasn’t sure where life was going to take us, but I knew if I ever brought someone into his life, I needed to choose wisely and make sure they loved him. I always struggled with that part because it felt like I was replacing you when I should be telling him all about you.”
I pushed my hair away from my forehead, already clammy as the air began to heat up.
“Well, Santana does that. She asked your parents for some photos of you and is going to get them printed and framed so he can see you every day. She also asked them and your brothers to send her their favorite memories of you, and she’s going to put them in his baby book so that he learns all about you. It probably wouldn’t have occurred to me to do the memory thing, so I’m relieved he has her.”
It felt awkward talking to a piece of marble, but it was also freeing at the same time.
Once I was done laying it all out for her, I sat back and enjoyed the sounds of the birds around me as the day came to life. The contrast between it and the fact life had stopped for the people in the cemetery was huge, but sadly that’s how life went. Some people just departed sooner than they should have.
With every minute that passed, more of my burden lifted until I felt like I could finally breathe properly after so long of only taking half a breath. I hadn’t realized that’s what I’d been doing until I breathed deeply, and it didn’t feel like I had a band around my chest anymore.
Smiling sadly at her name, I got to my feet.
“I’ll see you soon, Carrie. Keep watching over Tobe, okay? He needs his mom to stand guard over him.”
I’d stopped to pick up some breakfast and coffee on my way back to the hotel, and as I slipped back into the room, I smiled when I heard the shower running and Tana talking to Toby about the horses back home.
Sticking my head around the door, I peeked into the bathroom just as she got out of the shower with him clutched to her chest.
Seeing me, she smiled happily. “Someone had a blowout. I had to wash Bub off under the spray and then sit him on the floor while I had a quick shower.”
Wrapping a towel around him and then passing the spare one to Tana, I grimaced at the tied bag on the floor next to the little trashcan. “Are we leaving that here for them to get rid of, or are we taking it with us?”
Shaking her head, she dried off briskly. “No way. He’s got an ass like his Uncle Hart, so I’m afraid the poor person who empties the garbage out of the rooms will have to do that. I’ve wrapped it up in two bags, so they don’t have to experience the full effect, though, so at least there’s that.”
Given that Toby’s cheeks were rosy and he was chewing on his fist, I went through to where his diaper bag was and rooted in it for the teething stuff. The chewy things we put the gel on were an actual Godsend just now, but I’d be happy when we got home, and he could bite down on the ones that were still in the fridge.
Coming up behind me as Tobe went to town on the baby gum shield, Tana snorted as she saw how much more relaxed he was as the gel started to take effect.
“And you were worried about your ability to be a father.”
EIGHTEEN
SANTANA
We’d been back in Branford for two weeks, and so far, the news coming from Arlington was that Croix was doing well.