Whiskey and Country

“Man, for once, I have none. Told you I need to figure out what it all means. But I’m excited to discover. To get out there. And see what could be.” I blew out a long breath. “What if I follow his lead? Go away for some time and complete the list? You know, do the things Derek never got a chance to accomplish. And find my true purpose along the way. I have no idea. Being Cody’s perfect employee isn’t important anymore. He treats people like shit. Why would I want to link myself to him for five years with no way out? That’s crazier than going on an adventure, no?”

I put my glass back on the table and lifted my eyes to my friend.

He watched me with interest. “I’m not sure what to say. It reminds me of when you were sixteen and carefree. When you thought the sky had no limits. And you could do anything if you put your mind to it.”

The chaotic thoughts swimming in my head lined up somehow.

Something woke up deep inside me. I felt it. It ignited my soul.

Could I do this? Leave? Chase down some dreams that weren’t mine? Or could be if I shaped them to fit my life?

“Murielle moved forward. When I talked to her last night, she sounded at peace. Sad, but hopeful. Perhaps that’s what I need too.” My last words lingered between us for a long minute. None of us said anything. Tucker sipped his drink, a hundred thoughts filling his eyes along with awareness of the change. Tingles of thrill spread inside me. My chest inflated. So many possibilities could come my way if I let them. Squeezing Tuck’s corded forearm, I asked, “What do you think?”

He lowered his glass to the white-clothed table.

“How long would you be gone?”

I sighed. “Weeks. Months. Nobody is waiting for me here. I have no woman in my life. No kids. My family is abroad, and my parents are too busy at that winery to care. My sister is somewhere in Australia, living her best life with her surfer boyfriend. If I want to do this, it’s now or never.”

Tucker rubbed his flexed jaw.

“What about your apartment? Your job? Are you sure you’re willing to start over once you come back?”

I released a slow breath, the pieces of the puzzle moving around in my head. “It’s just a job, Tuck. Sure, I love it and I’m good at it, but I can find something else. Somewhere else. Chicago isn’t everything. There’s so much out there I’ve never explored. What if I’m missing out on something? What if Derek’s right? I’ve never done half the things on his list, and I’m twice his age. Don’t you think I should try? For him. For me.” My gaze descended to my joined hands. “I wanna do this. No, scratch that. I need to do this. This is my calling. Right now. Right here. To find the person I am. Deep inside. I thought I had everything in my life figured out. But I was wrong. I know nothing. I could go fishing in the ocean. Or travel the west coast in a van and learn how to surf. Maybe I could build a house. Or work on a farm. Learn to play the guitar. Or how to fly a plane.”

“Damn, you’re serious about it,” Tucker stated, his eyes wide.

“Well, I’ll never know unless I try.”

“Listen, we gotta talk logistics. Are you gonna go on your own?”

“Yeah. I should do this by myself. On my own terms. In my own timeline.”

Tucker raised his glass. “To new adventures. Cody is gonna lose it. I bet a twenty he’ll throw a fit. God, I wish I could see his face when you tell him.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of my lips. “I’ll give him a month before taking my leave of absence, then I’m outta here. If he really wants me on his team and he’s serious about that promotion, he can wait until I return. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be.”

“Whoa, my friend is back. Finally.” He lifted his arms over his head as if to praise a god somewhere. “Get the hell out of here. Go find yourself. The one you lost along the way. The one with the easy smile, who joked around and messed with me, always up for a good time. I’ve missed that version of you lately.”

Tuck’s throat worked.

“I’m doing it,” I said, my voice laced with conviction.

“You’re doing this,” my friend echoed. “One thing is sure, though. I’ll miss you, man. A whole lot.”

“I will too. But this is for the best.”

Tucker winked.

“And thanks to your amazing best friend who invested your capital wisely over the years, you don’t have to worry about money for a while. That big fat bonus check you got last summer from Cody has made some great interest. And no doubt the one from the penthouse sale will too.”

“Thanks, man. What would my life be without you?”

He shook his head. “I really don’t know,” he said, his deep baritone laughter resonating through the small eatery.

We ate in silence, both our minds busy with what we discussed.

“What about your place?” Tucker asked, pushing his plate. My apartment was small and modestly furnished, nothing like Tucker’s condo in a high-rise downtown with extravagant furniture and decor.

“I’ll put my stuff in a storage unit. Don’t worry about me.”

Tucker nodded. Something shifted in his gaze. An emotional battle passed through it. His cheerfulness dissipated a little, giving way to concern.

“Hey, you’re really doing this?”

“Yeah. A fresh start. A second chance. Derek was way wiser than his twelve years. I have to give it to him.”

Tucker raised his glass once more. “To you, man. You’re the most selfless person I know. You deserve to be happy. And fulfill your own dreams. And get your groove back on.”

* * *

I weaved through the crowd, trying to get to my seat, maneuvering four hot dogs and two large cups of soda in my hands. It’d been a week since I gave my one-month notice to Cody. Things had been tense between us since. But he still needed me on that condo building project until he found a replacement and had kept his wrath mostly to himself.

I could still hear his harsh words in my head, calling me stupid for walking away from the chance of a lifetime, as he said. That no one my age was a foreman to big developments in Chicago and that I bailed on him like a coward. The final nail to his coffin was when he argued I was leaving to honor some dead kid’s life. What Cody ignored was that the cruelty of his words only strengthened my desire to take off and live my best life.

Now I had the certitude Derek had been watching over me. And that all the pieces had aligned together so I could be free from things tying me to Chicago. Except for my friends. But our friendship could resist almost anything. That I knew for sure.

A week ago, while Cody delivered his angry tirade, I stuffed my hands in my pockets, nodded, and kept my mouth shut the entire time. He didn’t get it. And I had more important things to do than try to make him see things from my perspective.

The same night, I called my parents. We usually chatted once or twice a month. They rarely came to see me anymore. Last winter, I visited them for a week. We were close but not so close. If that made sense. Over the past few years, Tuck and Jace, along with Murielle and Derek, had become more of a family to me than the one I shared blood with.

As I had predicted, my parents weren’t ecstatic about me quitting my job to go on a road trip leading me to wherever. Luckily for me, since they lived in Italy, there wasn’t much they could do from their end of the globe to convince me otherwise. They were clueless about my life. And they had never witnessed my bond with Derek with their own eyes.

Since I’d decided to go on this journey, the sun shone brighter, and the air smelled fresher. Yes, I was doing the right thing. I felt it in the marrow of my bones. In the deep end of my soul. In every fiber of my being.

In the crowded arena, I sat next to Jace. “These seats are sick, man. Your connection with Hamilton is once again very much appreciated.”

Jace cocked his head and studied me for a beat. “Are you going to tell me who’s joining us? I’ve never bought four tickets before. Did Tucker finally meet someone, or did he get a woman pregnant and now feels like it’s his duty to bring her along? Someday, his flavor-of-the-week, no-strings-attached ways will catch up to him.” His brows furrowed as he stared at me longer than required. “What’s the catch? I’m pretty sure the woman isn’t yours. You wouldn’t go away if you had met someone and it was serious. I know you, man.”

I swallowed at the mention of the fourth seat and shifted in mine, balancing my food between my thighs. “It’s Derek’s seat.” Jace’s eyebrows shot up. “Remember, he was supposed to come to a game with us. We made him a promise. The three of us. On his eleventh birthday. Well, I’m fulfilling that promise today. It sounds silly but—”

Jace broke out into a smile. “Oh. It’s not stupid.” His eyes drifted from my face to the food. “Are you having a growth spurt? Since when do you eat this much junk? You know I already got food for myself, right?”

I fought an eye roll. “Derek deserves the full experience. For once, just pretend he’s here, okay? I need this. I have to keep my word, do something. And this is it.”

Jace cleared his throat. “What about that trip?”

I shook my head, avoiding his eyes, his stare sharp as laser beams. “The trip is for me. But this”—I moved my chin around—“is for him.”

I rolled my shoulders back and looked at the crowd. The ambiance. The joy. The enthusiasm. Derek would have loved it. My lips curved at the thought.

Jace nodded and returned my smile as Tucker joined us, a pile of hot dogs in a cardboard tray. Jace gave him a quizzical glance.

“We’re here for Derek. So, we better give him the best possible experience. And it starts with greasy food. I even traded my usual beer for a soda. Kids prefer this shit.”

A loud laugh bubbled out. Only one Tucker Philips existed on this earth. “Thanks, man. It means a lot.”

We all raised our cups—except Jace, who raised a beer can because, for some reason, he didn’t get the game memo—as the players lined up on the rink.

The crowd erupted in a loud cheer when Chicago scored its first goal, and I brought two fingers to my lips, kissed them, and saluted the sky. “This one is for you, bro,” I muttered, emotions wrapping my heart in tight knots and healing bands. “Hope you are witnessing it.”

Jace elbowed me, snapping me out of the moment.

My eyes landed on the LED ribbon panel opposite us. The words “To Derek, we will miss you” appeared.

I blinked. A new emotion blossomed in my heart. Something nearing pride. Because Derek would have gone crazy if he had seen it himself. “Did you do this?” I asked my friend.

Jace shook his head, looking as surprised as I did. “I didn’t think of it.”

I angled my body toward Tucker, silent in his seat, when he usually cheered and screamed at the referees for nothing and everything. His face had turned a shade paler—which said a lot, considering his dark skin—and his eyes shone under the white lighting of the arena.

“Tuck? You did this?” I asked as goosebumps appeared across my arms.

“Maybe. Derek was a great kid. We’re here to celebrate him. To celebrate his life. It seemed appropriate.”

The word stuck in my throat for a brief second.

“Wow. This means so much. Thanks. I know he’d appreciate it. A lot.”

“Yeah. Well, I’m not some insensitive jerk. I have a soft side, ya know,” Tucker said.

Jace and I failed to contain our laughter. “I know you do, man,” Jace said. “You’re just that good at hiding it most of the time. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us. We wouldn’t want Chicago’s number one player to be unmasked in front of the ladies.”

“Shut up now and watch the game, dickhead,” Tucker said, nudging our friend’s arm.

Derek’s Bucket List – 1. Go to a hockey game with Nick and the guys