“Sorry, sir. Visiting hours are almost over, so you’ll have to leave soon.”
I flicked my gaze to Rae, looking for direction. I hadn’t thought about visiting hours when I told her parents I’d stay with her tonight. I’d have to call them to come back. I couldn’t leave her alone. Not tonight.
“I’ll just drop these off. Is it okay if I wait for her mom to get here before I go?”
“Listen…” the nurse sighed. I was sure she’d worked enough night shifts to last her a lifetime and didn’t have the patience to deal with another pushy visitor.
I braced for the denial, but Rae blindsided me out of left field. “He’s my husband. Is he not allowed to stay with me?”
A soft breeze could have knocked me on my ass. Had Rae actually ever called me her husband? Out loud? To another person?
And she hadn’t even cringed or stumbled through it.
My husband. My husband.
I wanted her to say it again so I could record it and listen on repeat like some lovesick teenage girl.
Jesus, what the fuck was wrong with me?
I blinked, shaking myself back to reality. There I was, mentally ordering monogrammed towels and planning our family photo while she would have called me Jesus himself if it meant I stayed over her mom, who was bound to smother her with love and concern.
It didn’t mean anything. I needed to remind myself of that if I wanted to make it.
“Of course,” she answered Rae, barely offering me an annoyed side-eye. “If you need to sleep, the chair folds out in a cot. Although, it’ll probably only hold half of you.”
Rae snorted. “I can’t wait to see him try.”
This time the nurse laughed with her. Once she finished up, she offered me good luck and left us alone. I handed Rae her treats and retook my seat on the edge of the chair by the bed.
She hummed her pleasure with the first bite into the candy. “God, that’s so good.”
Just like that, my mind flashed to the last time she made that noise and told me how good I made her feel. I wanted to growl and smack my head to knock the memory free. Not that I wanted to get rid of it either. I just needed to find a safe space to keep it locked away—to keep it from bursting free to instigate a yearning I didn’t know how to get rid of. How was I supposed to go back when I’d already had her?
I had no fucking clue, but the one thing I did know was that I had to try. I’d fucked up kicking her out. I fucked up even more when I didn’t fix my mistake as soon as I knew I made it, and she paid for it. I knew I would spend the rest of my life trying to make up for not being there for her.
Even if it meant giving her the space she’d craved her entire life. As much as I wanted to hold her to me and never let go, I knew Rae craved her freedom.
“Listen, Rae, if you only want me to stay until you fall asleep, that’s fine. Just let me know when you want me to le—”
“No.” She reached past the edge of the bed for my hand.
I stared down at the white-knuckled grip before looking up to find wide eyes holding a whole storm of emotions. A hell of a lot more than the simple smiles she had when she first woke up.
“Please don’t leave me.”
Again, the words sounded so simple, especially after the trauma of the day, which I had no doubt would plague her for a while. But being scared because she was attacked was something Rae would handle with her chin held high, denying any and all fear whether she felt it or not.
This was different. This had nothing to do with Bodie. The only thing left was me—us.
All over again, guilt crashed against me, stirring my stomach into knots. I’d been so determined to save myself from the repeated jabs of pain that I missed the knife I stabbed into my own back. And that knife twisted each time I saw that same pain reflected in her gaze.
I rested our hands on the bed between us and settled, letting her know I wasn’t going anywhere. Looking down to where she held onto me, I took a deep breath, needing to get at least one thing off my chest. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there tonight,” I muttered so low I wasn’t sure if she heard me. But then her hand tightened in mine, and I knew she had. “I should have been there.”
She didn’t say a word as she shifted, staying silent until I met her dark eyes. “It’s not your fault, Austin.”
I winced at her easy dismissal of my part in this. “It was our night to watch The Bachelor. I should have been there.”