“And I should have never let Bodie into my life,” she countered.
“This isn’t your fault,” I snapped, ready to fight her if she dared try to take the blame for Bodie’s actions. “You have no idea the man he was, and you never would have let him in if you did. You’re too strong.”
“Exactly.” With one word, she knocked the wind from my sails. “It’s not my fault, and it’s not yours. Bodie did this.”
I met her gaze, weary but so strong. Every day she amazed me all over again with another facet of her personality. Even now, with a slow blink, a new emotion rolled across her face, pulling me in.
“I was so ashamed, Austin,” she whispered.
Her confession pierced my heart, and I ached for her. I hated the way she looked away. Before I could correct her, she held up her hand and continued.
“I know it wasn’t right. I know it wasn’t my fault, but it’s the one thing I never wanted. It’s the one thing I swore from when I was a little girl that I would never get caught up in. Hell, I even denied the thought of marriage just to avoid this. I’d done everything to avoid it.” She laughed softly. “Yet, somehow it happened. Even now, I’m not sure how it happened. It was like the first few times happened so fast, and he was so quick to apologize that I was left wondering if I’d imagined it. Then it went further and further until I couldn’t brush it off. But I’d already allowed so much to happen it left me questioning myself. It left me wondering if I was as strong as I said. He crept in and stole a crucial piece of my confidence, and I began to wonder if anyone would believe it or if they’d think I was being dramatic for the publicity. He’d broken me down enough that I believed him when he rolled his eyes and said no one would care about a bruise or two. I believed him when he said my father would be disappointed if I cried wolf when there were women who were heavily abused.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t see it earlier, Rae.”
“I didn’t let you. I was so embarrassed—ashamed. I wondered if you guys would believe me because I was the strong Raelynn Vos, the maneater. I was the last person who should have ended up in an abusive relationship. I guess I didn’t want to lose the way you looked at me. I didn’t want you to see me as the weak woman I’d become.”
“You were never weak,” I assured, but she stared down at her lap. “Look at me.” I waited for her to raise her gaze to mine, pouring every ounce of strength I had behind my words to make her believe them. “You. Are. Not. Weak. You survived, and I’m in awe of your strength.”
“Thank you,” she said with a soft smile. “I realize that now. Thanks to you reminding me.”
“How did I do that?”
“Just the way you look at me. As if I’m on top of the world.”
Because that’s where she always stood in my eyes. It was where she would always be. Even if I wanted more, I couldn’t hurt her anymore. Even if she shot me down, I had to buck up and let her know I couldn’t not be her friend—just her friend—if she’d have me.
Turning my hand in hers, I gave in and held onto her, using my other hand to gently trace the veins until she relaxed, realizing I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Do you remember the first time you came up to me at that frat party?”
Her face softened as she relaxed against the pillows, but she didn’t let go of my hand. She laughed gently but still watched me cautiously, not understanding where I was going with this. “How could I forget? You were the first—and only—guy to turn me down.”
I hadn’t been sure what I planned to accomplish with this walk down memory lane, but once I started, I figured it out, realizing the confession I needed to make. I needed to let her know how much she meant to me, so she knew I couldn’t ever walk away. With a deep inhale, I prepared to share the secret I’d carried with me all these years.
“Raelynn, I’ve loved you from that very moment.” Her brows rose high. “That’s why I wouldn’t sleep with you. I saw how special and bold and unique you were even from across the room. And when you came close, it was like being able to stand beside the sun. I knew I would always need more than a one-night stand.”
“Austin,” she whispered, her eyes growing wet.
But I couldn’t stop, worried that if I did, I’d never finish, and I was so damn tired of pretending I didn’t love her. And I could never watch her beg me to stay again. I never wanted to make her question my friendship.