Chapter One
JOSIE
FIFTEEN YEARS AGO…
A tear rolls down my cheek, but I don’t bother to wipe it away. Another will just take its place in only seconds anyway. I look at the paper in my hand: the corner of it crinkled from being gripped so hard. A voice in the back of my mind tells me I shouldn’t have done that, that I should have been more careful.
Because this is the kind of paper Mom will hang on the fridge.
But there’s no point. It doesn’t matter. And now more tears fall from my eyes, splashing onto the handwritten note, smearing the black ink.
“Jo?” someone calls, their voice coming from the hall. I need to say something. Turn. React. But I can’t.
“Jo?” my sister calls again and then knocks on my door. I still can’t move. It’s like deep roots have anchored me to the floor and they’re the only thing holding me steady right now. If I focus on this—on standing as still as I can be while silently crying—then I can stay numb.
But the second the numbness wears off everything will come crashing down on me and I’m going to suffocate under the weight. What scares me almost more is how much I want that to happen. Because then it will be over.
“Jo, everyone is wondering where you are. Elijah is going to open presents soon and Stella is about to have another meltdown.” Louisa’s voice is muffled from speaking through the closed door, and I can only imagine my sister cupping her hands around her mouth as she talks into the door. “Mom sent me up to get you and you really need to stop being so antisocial.”
She rattles the doorknob to our shared bedroom. “Unlock the door. I’ll tell Mom you locked me out.”
I’m hearing what she’s saying but the words aren’t clicking. Nothing is clicking right now. I can’t let it. Because if this clicks so will something else.
“Jo!” She rattles the door again and then bangs a heavy fist against it. “You’re acting like a selfish brat, you know that, right?” The unmistakable sound of a bobby pin clanking around the keyhole fills the silence. She’s going to come inside the room at any moment.
And then she’ll know.
They’ll all know.
But I can’t hide it forever. A couple of months if I’m lucky.
“Jo, you seriously—” She cuts off as she throws the door open and sees my face. “What’s wrong?” Music and laughter float up the stairs and into the room. I know I need to pull myself together and enjoy my little brother’s birthday party. “Jo,” she repeats and crosses the room, snatching the paper out of my hand. I can hardly see her through my tears as she quickly reads.
“You got it,” she whispers as she reads. “You got the internship! This is great!” She tips her head back up, hazel eyes meeting mine. “Why aren’t you downstairs waving this around? You’ve busted your butt all year to get this internship.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and part my lips, but I’m not able to get any sound out. Some of the shock is starting to wear off and panic is setting in. I have worked hard for that internship.
“You can turn it down,” Louisa says slowly, trying to figure out why I’m crying. “But if you turn it down because you don’t want to leave your stupid horse then you’re even stupider.”
“I do want it,” I finally say. And I do. I’ve known I was destined to be a veterinarian since I was a little. This internship would look so good on my college applications, giving me a better chance of getting accepted at my top choice school: Cornell University. “That’s the problem.”
“I am not following.”
I point to the single nightstand we have in between our beds. It takes Louisa a few seconds to find what’s out of place amongst the mess. She picks up the pregnancy test and the color drains from her face.
“Jo…you…no.” Her eyes go from me to the test again. There’s no mistaking the two pink lines. “It’s going to be okay.” She throws her arms around me and the dam I was holding breaks.
“How?” I squeak out, throat tight.
“You have options.” She gives me a squeeze and lets go, taking both my hands in hers. “You don’t have to have a baby if you don’t want to. You’re only sixteen.”
Her words hit me and a strangled sob escapes my lips. Letting go of my hands, she hurries to close the door. Then she’s back by my side, guiding me to the bed. Like any sisters, we have our moments of hating each other and being there for each other. And right now, I’m really glad my older sister is with me.
“I don’t know how far along I am.” My words come out shakily.