“I want to apologize…”
Laughing, Raina shook her head and held out her hand for Nick to speak first. Apparently Nick had other ideas, though. Without another word spoken between them, he leaned forward and kissed her until she could barely think straight.
If this is how he apologizes, he’s already forgiven.
He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against hers. “I want to apologize for manhandling you in there. I wasn’t sure what to do.”
She pushed back a little so she could see his eyes. “I was freaking out, Nick. You did the only thing you could do besides slap me silly.”
“I’m really sorry you’re not pregnant. I know how much you want this. And I feel like a broken record saying the same things to you. I wish there was some way I could just fix it for you. All I want is for you to be happy.”
Raina blinked back tears. “I don’t know what happened. I know intellectually that it’s not going to happen overnight just because I want it. But in that moment, it just got bigger and bigger in my mind until all I could see was failure. It kind of took over my brain. I think it’s just me being afraid that it’ll never happen.”
The warmth of the water was doing its job, because she was suddenly more tired than she’d ever been. The emotion she’d expended with her meltdown had drained her. She added a little bath gel to her loofah
sponge and inhaled the soothing lavender scent. When she felt Nick’s arms circle her from behind, she pressed back onto him, enjoying the tortured groan that slipped from his lips.
They took their time in the bath, trailing damp fingertips over silken skin and enjoying the heat and scent of the fragrant water. She loved the way they fit together, like two halves of a matched set, and she felt herself relax, really relax, for the first time since she’d come back to the States. From Ridley’s being shot, to her new diagnosis, to marrying Nick, it felt like she hadn’t stopped worrying in a long time.
When her skin started to pucker, they got out. Nick toweled her off gently with a plush, oversized bath towel. Raina slipped into one of Nick’s T-shirts and Nick dragged on a pair of shorts before gathering Raina in his arms and cuddling with her under the covers.
She rolled over to look at him, then raised her hand to trace the angle of his strong jaw, the slightly uneven line of his nose, and the curve of his sensual lips. He was the epitome of masculine beauty to her. Not just because of his good looks but because of all the things others couldn’t see. The things she couldn’t touch.
His generosity, his spirit, and his unfailing determination to make her happy.
It dawned on her then that this was love. Love was the man who took care of her when she needed him to. The man who made sure she ate well, listened to her babble on about her show even though he probably had no idea what she was talking about, and who was disappointed right along with her when she was sad.
Love was the man who’d literally carry you when you were down.
* * * * *
NICK HELD HIMSELF perfectly still as Raina touched him. Her beautiful brown eyes followed the path of her finger as if memorizing the lines of his face. As many times as they’d made love and as intimate as they’d been, nothing had made him feel as self-conscious. He’d never been the focus of her attention so completely before.
She leaned closer and kissed him. Softly. Sweetly.
“Goodnight, Nick.” Then she snuggled against his shoulder and let out a soft sigh, the warm puff of air tickling his skin. After a few minutes, her breathing evened out. He looked down and was startled to see that her eyes were wide open and locked on his face.
“You’re still awake? I thought you’d fallen asleep.” He stroked her cheek with the side of his thumb.
“I think I love you,” she whispered.
Everything inside of Nick stopped at that moment. His thoughts. The questions he’d been about to ask.
His heartbeat.
“I think I’m dreaming,” Nick said finally.
Raina squeezed her eyes shut. “I don’t have much experience with love. It made my mom so bitter. Most of my relationships have been more about sex than feelings. So I always thought how could I believe in something that I’d never seen? It just seemed like some fairy tale that couldn’t possibly come true.”
Nick’s heart twisted at the raw pain in her voice.
“But these past two months with you I’ve seen it. I’ve seen a mother who dotes on each and every one of her children and loves them for their differences. I’ve seen brothers who stick together against the world. I’ve seen how you take care of me even when I’ve given you plenty of reasons not to want to. If this isn’t love, I can’t imagine how it could be any better.”
Nick wanted to say something but everything inside him was still too jumbled for him to form a sentence. He’d loved her for so long but he didn’t think he’d fully understood her until now. She projected the image of strength so convincingly that most people never saw how scared and vulnerable she was underneath. Afraid to try, afraid to trust, and most of all, afraid to believe in love because it seemed like too much to hope for.
He’d thought he’d come to terms with the possibility of her never returning his feelings. Love wasn’t something that was based on a reciprocal exchange, he’d reasoned. Over time he’d hoped she’d develop fondness for him, but he’d started to think that’s all it would ever be.
Which would have killed him slowly from the inside out.