“All I could think about for months afterward was what if I hadn’t heard them? What if I hadn’t been near the barn that day? He could have—”
“Don’t even think about it.” Kay caressed his face. “You were there and that’s all that matters. Just like you were trying to do the right thing when you joined that group.”
Eli blinked a few times. “Apparently you haven’t heard a word I’ve said. We were criminals, Kay. We stole and hurt people. The women we saved from the gangs ended up being sold into prostitution somewhere else. We were monsters.”
“Did you know ahead of time that this group was doing bad things?”
Eli sighed. “No, I didn’t, but that’s not the point.”
She moved closer, snaking an arm around his waist. “Would you have joined if you knew the things you know now?”
“Of course not.”
She squeezed him, her arm pulling him against her hip. Her hand rested lightly on his chest as she gazed up at him. “I know that. I wasn’t asking for me. I was asking for you. Because I think you needed to say it out loud. You made a mistake, yes but it wasn’t something you did purposely. I know you’d never want to hurt anyone if you could help it.”
He swallowed against the giant lump that had formed in his throat. Talking her out of her hero worship wasn’t something he wanted to do, but it was the only fair thing. There was so much available to her; the entire world was wide open at this point in her life. She’d never have to know the despair of losing her sense of self or being afraid to look in the mirror because you didn’t like what you saw. She was pure and good. He wanted her to keep that sense of peace, and she wouldn’t be able to with him in her life.
“You always look at me like I was the hero. But I’m not the good guy. I’m just a guy who’s trying to make up for doing bad things.”
“That’s just it, Eli. You’re trying to make it up because you care. Only good guys care about atonement.”
Eli wouldn’t have thought it possible for love to be as evident as it was in her eyes just then. The way she looked at him, damn if it didn’t make him feel invincible. Like he could do anything, bear anything, for her sake. To protect her.
Now she knew the good, the bad, and the unforgivable, and yet she still saw him. Still wanted him. He couldn’t believe it.
No one was this blessed.
“Kay, you can’t have the kind of life you deserve with me. The government monitors me. The people I used to associate with are the kind who hold grudges. I usually don’t sleep in the same location more than a few nights in a row just in case. This is not the kind of life for a family.”
“Tell me one thing. If it wasn’t for all of this, would we be together? I mean, would you give us a chance?”
He would have given anything to be able to lie to her. To tell her what she needed to hear to let him go. But he knew then that he was just as selfish as he’d always been because he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say the words that would allow her to walk away.
“Nothing would be able to keep me away.”
As soon as their lips met, he knew it was over. She clung to him so sweetly, pressing soft kisses over his face, his lips, his throat. Anything she could reach. Eli gave up and kissed her back, the cold reserve he kept in place melting beneath the warmth of her embrace.
He vowed then and there that he’d never hurt her or give her any reason to change her mind. His mind flashed to all the stuff in his closet before he could shut the thought down. Kay would freak out if she knew about the things he liked to do. He could find other ways to get the control he needed. He’d have to.
Having her in his bed would be enough. It filled him with a possessive satisfaction, the thought of her in his bed, wearing his clothes with his scent all over her skin. There were other ways he could get inside her mind, possess her thoughts, and control her body. She liked the way he touched her, he could tell. Over time, he could introduce her to new things, slowly push her boundaries. As long as she never knew how deep his desires ran, how all-consuming his need to control and possess her was, then she’d stay with him.
She’d never have to know just how twisted he really was.
KAY COULDN’T TELL what changed, but something did. Suddenly, Eli wasn’t just in front of her but he was there with her, looking into her eyes like he wanted to climb inside her skin. He turned and nuzzled his face into her palm and she knew. After tonight, there was no going back.
He was going to make love to her and she’d be forever changed by it.
“I will never hurt you,” Eli whispered, his voice carrying the weight of a sacred vow.
“I know that. I’ve always known that.”
Kay shivered as he buried his face in her neck. She felt like every touch, every whisper, held secret meaning, and she could barely contain herself. It had been almost two years since she had gotten pregnant with Hope, and that had been the end of any semblance of romance she had shared with Tim. She had a feeling that her lackluster experiences with her ex would pale in comparison to the erotic promises she saw reflected in Eli’s eyes.
Her breath caught as he dropped a wet kiss on the curve of her collarbone. The hair on her arms stood up as he trailed his fingers gently over her skin. She inhaled and let her breath out in a quick gush as his arms encircled her. His warmth seemed to pervade every inch of her until her skin was on fire.
He stood in a swift motion, scooping her up in his arms. She gripped his neck, expecting him to carry her back to his room. Finally, he would let down the walls he’d erected between them and allow her into his private space. But he didn’t carry her to his room. Instead, he dipped his knee next to the fireplace, laying her gently on the rug. The heat of the flames fanned over her skin, ratcheting the burn in her blood even higher.
He eased down on the floor next to her, cradling her head in his hand. She relaxed into his hold, allowing him to pull her closer and fit her body to his. He didn’t speak, instead using those quiet moments to look at her. It should have been uncomfortable, lying in his arms while he drank in every inch of her skin with his eyes. But every sweep of his gaze, every glance contained such reverence. Such heat. As if what he beheld was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.