RISSA
I’m in Finn’s bed.
That’s the first thing I think when I wake in the morning. The next thing is that I’m warm. Finn has pulled me close and tangled our legs together while we slept.
Too much movement will wake him so I carefully roll to the side and pull my hair from beneath his arm. In sleep, Finn looks so peaceful. There’s no trace of the turmoil over the life changing things he said to me last night. He hadn't asked me to talk about it or expected me to say it back. I'm grateful for that because I'm honestly not sure
what I'm feeling.
I grab a robe from the closet and then walk down the hallway, trying to be quiet. I'm used to getting up early for cleaning jobs but it's weird to be standing in the middle of Finn's living room in the early morning hours.
What am I doing?
I feel completely lost and alone standing there in my T-shirt and one of Finn's robes.
There’s a soft noise behind me and I turn. Finn is standing in the middle of the hallway in his boxers.
"Finn? I hope I didn't wake you."
"You didn't but I woke up and you weren't there." He walks across the room. At times like these when he's tired or caught off guard, his limp is even more pronounced. I look up to find that he's watching me. Watching me watch him. I quickly avert my eyes.
"You can ask."
"What?" I look out the window again, ashamed that he caught me staring.
"It's okay, Rissa. It's you … so it's okay. You can ask what happened."
“That wasn’t … Okay what happened?" It feels wrong and invasive that I want to know so badly. He's been through hell and I'm sure he doesn't want to relive it just to satisfy my insecure desire to know everything about him.
"It was an IED blast. Our truck was almost shredded and so was my leg. I'm lucky I still have it, actually."
"I’m sorry, Finn."
He pulls me into his arms and rests his head in the crook of my shoulder. “I barely remember it. Some people say that’s a blessing. But I’m not sure I agree. Without the memory, it’s like I just went to sleep one day and then woke up with pieces of my leg missing the next. It doesn’t make sense to me.”
I turn into his embrace, nuzzling against his neck. “I understand. Your mind can’t process something it has no memory of.”
"I remember the day I lost you with more clarity. Watching you walk away. Andrew was waiting for you at the end of the street."
He says each sentence as if by rote, like he's reading a list from a piece of paper. Horrified, I raise my head to look into his eyes. I never knew that he saw all that. My heart clenches at the blank look on his face but I don't let myself look away. I deserve to see what I did to him.
"Walking away from you was the worst mistake of my life. And I know I said it before but I want you to hear it again. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. But maybe it'll make you feel better to know that I hurt myself, too."
Warmth returns to his eyes. "I thought that was what I wanted. I was wrong. Seeing you in pain just hurts more. All I've ever wanted for you was to see you happy. And now that I have a chance to make that happen, I won't let you get away so easily this time."
We stay like that for a long time where he’s just doing this comforting stroke over my hair and my nose remains buried in his neck. The events of the past day are catching up with me. Andrew always has a way of appearing in my life when I least expect it and I know that Finn is right. He's using the house to keep tabs on me. I wouldn't be surprised if he's getting reports on what I'm doing from the neighbors. They've known him a lot longer than me and I'm clearly the outsider in the neighborhood. Moving out is a necessary step towards breaking the chains of the past.
"You're right," I whisper.
Finn moves back slightly so he can hear me. "Right about what?"
"Moving out. I'm going to get my own place."
He looks around and I shake my head before he can even say it. "I'm not moving in here so don't even say it."
The smirk on his face is my first clue before he says something outlandish. "Since I fired you earlier, maybe you'd be interested in applying for the newest position available here at Casa Finn. I'm looking for a live-in housekeeper. Know anyone?"
Joy bubbles up and I have to squeeze him tighter to contain it. "I haven't even agreed to go on a date yet and you're asking me to move in? Finn, this is crazy."