I shook my head. “I meant the media. Not the police. Ethan didn’t go them.” I let my gaze fall to his chest as I felt myself nearing what I was about to say. When he reached to pull me into him, I backed up again. “Don’t.” Inside, my body screamed and fought me as I looked up into Liam’s hurt eyes. It thrashed with anger and torment and begged me to just accept Liam’s comfort, but I told myself no. That it was time to confess. “I don’t know if you’ll want to touch me once you hear what I have to say, ‘cause I’m afraid you’re going to hate me once you hear it. But I need you to know I made this choice because I love you.”
“Talk to me,” Liam urged.
So I did.
I told him about Ethan’s offer. I told him that my agreement bought his ability to walk away from this whole entire bloody mess.
It meant he could really and truly start over. He could train for his match against Walsh. He could make his return to fighting at Madison Square Garden. He would win and start completely anew.
His career would be back. His gym would flourish.
He’d be without me. He’d know that I was somewhere with Ethan, living in his apartment, sleeping in his bed at night.
But at least he’d be free of my drama – free of the constant obligation to protect me, and sacrifice for me. It wasn’t ideal, but it was the only way to ensure that he could get that new start we both knew he deserved. There was no other option. Because if I didn’t return to Ethan, Liam would be forced to lose everything. He would be sentenced and thrown into jail. He’d lose his time to train, and his fight with Walsh before he even stepped in the cage. He’d lose his entire life, possibly his gym.
But he’d have me.
And only me.
“The thought just makes me hurt so bad,” I whispered tearfully to Liam. “I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the thought of court and trials and you thrown into jail like a criminal.” He was shaking his head now, reaching for me. But I continued. I told him everything – I explained to him as best as I could, and when I was done, I cried. I had cried so many anguished tears in the past few months, in the past few years and my whole life, really, but combined, none of them compared to what I cried as I sat on the floor of the strange apartment with Liam, his arms wrapped around me, somehow the one to comfort me despite what I had just confessed.
“I’ll survive,” he said.
But I wasn’t sure I would.
I had no idea how I’d adjust to the changes that were about to come. All I knew was that I would miss Liam more than I knew how to cope with, and that there would be many days during which I sat alone, regretting my decision.
It made it almost worse that Liam understood.
He forgave me. Despite his pain, he smoothed his hand over my hair and pressed his lips to my forehead. “There’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you,” he murmured. “I told you that you could drag me to hell and back, and nothing would change. You don’t need to be next to me for me to stand by you. And no matter how fucking hard this is going to be, I still stand by you through this.”
* * *
I was inconsolable as we made a last trip home, and my emotions only tore at me harder as together we packed a bag, preparing to say our final goodbye. Before leaving the house, I called Aria to let her know of my decision. It was an hour-long conversation with no shortage of panic, but eventually, there was understanding, albeit a tearful one. And then with Liam, I got in the car, and the entire way there, our fingers were entwined, our hands held so tight I thought it might cut off our blood circulation. But I hardly cared.
When we arrived, I stared at the façade of the building, the reality setting in once again. In my horror, I considered running away – fleeing from my promises and living free with Liam on some remote island. But then I thought about the last few months – how the chaos chased us around every corner, meeting us at every turn. I was never able to predict it, and so I knew that even if we ran, I’d never live without worry – without suspecting that sometime, somewhere, the hammer would drop on us, and our lives would spiral again into drama and suffering.
So I went back with accepting my decision.
Still, I could barely leave his side.
“Do you want me to go in with you?”
“No. You shouldn’t.”
Breathing steady, in and out, I gathered every last ounce of strength in my body to give him only one more kiss, and a last word for us to end on.
“I love you too,” Liam murmured, bits of snow falling onto his lashes as he gazed down at me from under that knit cap I always liked. “I want you to be at peace with your decision, baby. It’s the only way you can keep going. And we’re going to survive it. I promise.”
I nodded.
And with that, I watched him turn around, his long frame making its way up the stairs and inside the precinct, leaving me to stand on the snowy sidewalk. I watched as the blue door closed behind him, and I cried alone as he turned himself in to the police.
EPILOGUE
Twelve Months Later
The sounds of flashbulbs were going off all around me like a swarm of bees. Instinctively, I shrunk back, trying to hide away from it all. Despite everything I’d been through, despite the media hounding me, A.J and even Aria for months after Liam’s arrest, I wasn’t used to the noise. I wasn’t used to the crowd and the cameras and all the strangers just waiting to pounce with questions. It still set off tension in my bones and put me in fight or flight mode. It made me think of being chased down the street by camera crews and grinning strangers asking whether or not I was a “serial step-offender.” Of course, it took only one solid week of that before I went from flight to fight and snapped back with the quote that turned the media around.