“I’m the only one in the agency who can keep that worthless vagabond Dazai in check. Well, nobody can truly control him, but…the president has asked me to manage and supervise him. In other words, the president trusts me, so I cannot abandon my role to—”
Kunikida suddenly stopped midsentence. He gazed up at the ceiling, then rubbed his eyes. “Hmm…?” he asked. “Suddenly, the lighting seems off, like it’s flickering…”
Tanizaki curiously looked up at the lights, but there was nothing abnormal in the slightest.
“That’s my cue! ”
“Ahhh!” Kunikida’s chair rattled noisily.
A tall young man with messy black hair stood near the entrance. Draped in a khaki coat, he leaned his lanky figure against the café entrance while dangling a paper bag in his right hand.
It was Osamu Dazai—a member of the Armed Detective Agency just like the other two. “Ah, I never get tired of hearing Kunikida’s lovely screaming. I could practically see his life span shortening with my own two eyes. Oh, I’ll have my usual black tea, ma’am.”
The middle-aged café owner poked her head out from the back. “Oh, Dazai! Handsome as ever, I see!” she called out to him.
“Right back at you, ma’am!” Dazai returned the compliment with a wave, then took a seat right next to Kunikida. The already cramped table became even more so.
“Dazai… What are you doing here?” asked Kunikida in a growl, like a wounded beast threatening its natural enemy.
“Huh? I came so I could shave a few years off your life, o
f cour—”
Kunikida wrapped his hands around Dazai’s neck and violently shook him before he could even finish his sentence.
“How much do I have to suffer by your hand before it’s enough?! When…will…it…stop…?!”
“Wa-ha-ha-ha!” Dazai cackled, still being shaken.
“C-come on, let’s calm down, you two. We’re in public.”
Tanizaki’s eyes darted around the shop restlessly. However, this café was on the first floor of the same building the detective agency was in. Dazai’s eccentric behavior and Kunikida’s yelling were nothing new to the owner or even the other customers. Everyone warmly watched them from their seats as if they were observing a schoolyard tussle between two brothers.
As the patrons’ affectionate gazes fell on him as well, Tanizaki forced a half-hearted laugh. He had no other choice. Kunikida continued to shake Dazai, while Dazai continued to enjoy the punishment.
“You’re too laid-back! How dare you show your face again this late at night! Where were you at work today?! Out annoying someone just like you always do, no doubt! Who do you think cleans up after you and apologizes for your mess?!”
“Oh, that’s clearly y—”
“There is no way in hell I’m going to let you finish that sentence!”
Kunikida twisted Dazai’s neck, letting out a slight pop. Pure bliss was the only way to describe the look on Dazai’s face.
“Um, anyway…” Tanizaki spoke up. “I was telling Kunikida what we talked about earlier. You know, when you asked me why the Armed Detective Agency exists.”
“What?” Kunikida cast Dazai a dubious gaze.
“Yep.” Dazai’s twisted neck cracked and popped as he adjusted it. “I just met with Tanizaki around noon today.”
“Where?”
“At a bar.”
As the seconds crawled by, Kunikida’s expression gradually started to look like a patient with neurotoxins slowly poisoning his body.
“I figured you were out drinking somewhere when you skipped work today, so that’s fine. I’ll save my anger for later. However, Tanizaki, what were you doing there? Don’t tell me you were playing hooky as well? Surely an eighteen-year-old wouldn’t be skipping work to day drink. Various studies and statistics have demonstrated the negative effects of underaged drinking, and there is clear proof that alcohol affects the secretion of testosterone. But regardless of the studies, if you start drinking now, your brain is going to turn into mush like his!” Kunikida firmly pointed to Dazai by his side.
“You may call me Mushy Brains.” Dazai quickly lowered his head and bowed.