Thereupon, Dazai wrote “solve an in-house issue” on the whiteboard before adding a “?” at the end.
“Are we just going to sit here and criticize every single idea? We’re getting absolutely nowhere,” Yosano complained, resting her chin on her palm. She pointed at Dazai. “Dazai, you’re the one who wanted to do this. Tell us your idea. Surely you’ve thought of something.”
Dazai remained silent for a few seconds.
“…Heh-heh.”
He giggled as if he had been waiting for someone to say exactly that. Then he slowly took a bundle of paper out of a paper bag and placed it where everyone could see. The sheets were crammed with sentences, but it was difficult to tell whether they had been scribbled quickly or by garden-variety terrible penmanship.
“Of course, I came prepared! Feast your eyes on the numerous foolproof plans I’ve devised!”
Everyone looked at Dazai in awe—except for Kunikida, who had seen this coming and scowled.
“My first proposal is a test that focuses on physical abilities and stamina. First, we’ll take the train thirty minutes to the Yokohama city zoo and sneak in after closing. Then we’ll throw our candidate into the Asiatic black bear exhibit and leave him in there overnight. If he’s either defeated the bears or escaped by the time we come back the next morning, we’ll hire him.”
“Dazai,” Kunikida intoned deeply as he glared at Dazai.
“If he reconciles with the bears, then we keep him on standby.”
“Dazai.”
“But we would be completely in the wrong from the bears’ point of view, so we’re moving on to my next idea. This proposal focuses on thinking ability and problem-solving. There’s this old man in the Sixth District who’s so stingy you have to wonder if he was a piggy bank in a past life. Word has it one time his change was off by five yen, and he lambasted the clerk for two hours straight. We’ll have the newcomer come up with some reason to borrow a thousand yen from the old man.”
“Dazai.”
“And if he can keep playing dumb for a month without paying the man back, we’ll hire him.”
“It hurts just imagining that!”
“After that—”
Dazai continued flipping through his stack of paper until Kunikida stopped him.
“Wait, wait, wait. Are all the ideas you came up with like that? The hell do you think the entrance exam is? Besides, there’s no way you could avoid that old man for an entire month. The sheer stress would cause you to go bald.”
“In that case, we’ll have the newcomer borrow the money under your name,” Dazai claimed while staring at Kunikida’s crown.
“Don’t you dare!” Kunikida yelled while covering his head. “…Ahem. What I meant to say is, this kid is a potential agency member! There has to be something more suited to that! The exam should test a candidate’s sense of righteousness, his abilities, his knowledge, his morality!”
“Really? Okay, then how about this one. If he eats four pounds of sugar in under five minutes, then—”
“All your ideas are garbage! They’re just becoming more absurd as you go on! What is this, a circus sideshow? Tch. Surely there’s got to be someone out there with a better idea than—”
Just when Kunikida was about to tear his hair out…
“Sorry to keep you waiting!”
…the door to the conference room flew open with a strange-sounding creak from its hinges.
“Sorry. I was plowing the field in front of my house and lost track of time. Check out the huge radishes I harvested today. You could kill a guy with one of these! Don’t worry. I’ll make sure everyone gets their share later!”
The lively, energetic voice belonged to a small-framed young man donning a straw hat and cotton overalls. The gloves stuffed in his pocket were soiled with fresh dirt, and to top it off, he was barefoot.
This was Kenji Miyazawa, the youngest agent at the detective agency.
“Hey, Kenji! We were waiting for you!” Dazai was all smiles as he welcomed his colleague. “You remember why I asked you here, right? Well, let me tell you, it’s been one heated discussion! Come, Kenji, give us one or tw
o of your brightest ideas!”