“Maybe for you, but you know what isn’t over? My love. That’s right, I love you, Z.”
I see the panic in his eyes and if I wasn’t so afraid of losing him, I might have laughed.
“You don’t love me. You can’t.” He actually shakes his head, as if that will make my feelings evaporate.
“You may get to kick me out… but you don’t get to tell me how to feel.”
He pushes to his feet and starts walking toward the door. He’s leaving, and there is nothing I can do to make him stop.
I shout at his retreating back. “I never thought you were a coward. You talk a big talk about being able to solve impossible problems, but you aren’t willing to even try to solve us.” I know my words are a low blow, but I’m angry, and if this really is the end, I don’t want to look back and regret not saying everything that needs to be said.
When Z turns, I swear there are tears in his eyes. I let myself hope… maybe…
“You are an amazing woman… and this last week was oddly one of the best of my life, but I’ve made up my mind. You have your whole life ahead of you again. You can go anywhere and do anything.”
He turns before I can think of new words to say that might get through to him. He’s already half out the door when he pauses, not bothering to look back as he leaves with a final, “Goodbye, Rowan.”
After all of the ups and downs of the past week, Z walking out is the final straw. Falling onto the bed, I don’t bother trying to stop my tears this time. My reason for being strong just walked out the door and it dawns on me that maybe I had always felt strong because I knew Z had my back.
I’m an only child. I’ve spent much of my life in my own company, but this last week I got a glimpse of what life could be like sharing it with a man who could make me laugh—who made me feel sexy. A man who made me feel special and who I could love, and now that he’s slipped away, I’ve truly never felt more alone.
Only after my tears run out and I have nothing to do but reflect on his words do I realize—he told me I can go anywhere and have anything I want in life, but he lied to me, because all I want is him.
Chapter Twenty-two
Z
Four days, thirteen hours, and fifteen minutes since I last spoke to Rowan.
How do I know this?
Because each minute that has passed has been more miserable than the one before it.
Taking a breath, I stare out over the large expanse of The Rooftop wondering if I’ll ever truly love this hotel and job again. Right now, the hotel feels as if it has stolen something from me. It feels almost suffocating. It’s my home and yet… doesn’t feel welcoming as it once did. It’s my legacy, it’s all I know, and yet, I can’t help but feel some resentment.
The Whitney gave me a gift with Rowan, but then took it away.
I practically live on The Rooftop now as my room reminds me of her. I can smell her in the space. I can nearly hear her voice in whispers. I’ve avoided Katja and Dex completely, using work as my excuse. And though Dex was a man of his word and had everything taken care of, I’m not one to just sit back and not take control. Not to mention that I needed something—anything—to distract me from… Well, I need distraction more than ever before. Trying to fill my sinkhole of depression with work hasn’t been easy, but I’ve focused on making sure that there is no sign of Rowan being involved with Luciano’s death at all and I am certain I succeeded in that fact.
Returning my attention to what I was doing, I write down the last of the details in my ledger, hoping I never have to return to this page to revisit the information. It’s done. Forever done. Rowan is safe and will never have this haunt her again.
The sound of high heels clicking tells me I have company without me even looking up. Katja sits down quietly and stares at me. I can feel her eyes nearly glaring a hole into my skull. She’s pissed. I can feel it. I know her well enough to expect her wrath any minute. I’ve been avoiding this moment, but it’s inevitable that this conversation is going to happen.
“Alright, just say what you came up here to say,” I say as I close my ledger, look up, and focus my attention on her.
“You’re an asshole.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Why haven’t you talked to Rowan? It’s been days.”