“There’s nothing more to say. She’s safe. The job’s been cleaned.”
Our conversation is quick, rough, like bullets being fired from a gun. It’s not how Katja and I normally speak, but then again, she is rarely mad at me.
Katja sighs and says, “She cares about you. And I know you feel the same way.”
“Of course, I care about her. My job was to make sure of her well-being. I’m glad she’s not dead. I’m glad she’s safe. I’m glad she can live her life without the Lucianos hunting her down. It ends there.”
“Nice try. This is me you’re talking to. You can’t fool me.”
“I’m not trying to fool anyone.”
“Just yourself?” she asks with a raise of her eyebrow. “Don’t be a liar and an asshole. She deserves to be treated better, and you know it.”
“I’ve only wanted the best for her,” I defend.
“Ignoring her for days is the best for her? Really?”
“For your information, I did go to talk to her yesterday. She’s gone,” I confess, feeling the stab in my heart as I say the words.
Katja nods with a smirk. “What? Did you expect her to stay and wait around forever for you to get your head out of your ass?”
“No,” I mumble, opening my ledger again in hopes that I’m giving Katja the hint that I don’t want to discuss this issue any further. “I don’t have any expectations.”
Katja reaches out and pulls the ledger from my hand. “I know you, Simon. I know you better than anyone else, and I see the pain on your face. You’ve been moping around here for days, poorly attempting to avoid me and Dex, and there is one reason—one person—who is causing this.” Her eyes soften. “You can be honest with me. I can see you’re going through some internal battles.”
I lean back in my chair and give a slow nod. “Fine. I cared about her. I fucking fell head over heels in love. I experienced the most terrifying and yet the most wonderful time of my life while we were in hiding. Is that what you want to hear?”
She shakes her head. “Not me. But I know Rowan wanted to hear that. She needed to hear those words from you.”
Shrugging, I push back the thoughts of what would have happened if I had admitted my true feelings for Rowan. If I had tried to fight for her. “And even if I had spoken with her earlier and she had stayed, what difference does it make? It doesn’t change the fact that she’s a socialite with a very public life, and I’m a cleaner who needs to stay as far away from the public eye as possible. We aren’t compatible.”
“Your jobs aren’t compatible,” Katja interjects. “You aren’t the first couple to have that issue.”
“We aren’t a couple. We never were.”
“I thought you were going to stop lying to me,” Katja snaps as her eyes narrow and she leans across the table to me. “Stop and listen to me. You fucked up letting her go. The first step is you admitting that.”
I glance over at the bar and consider pouring myself a drink. But it’s still early in the day and I don’t want to become a drunk, a liar, and an asshole. “Fine. I fucked up. Are you happy?”
She smiles, sits up straight and interlaces her fingers as she often does in business meetings. “Yes. Thank you. Now back to the issue. If you love her like I know you do, then you need to fix it. Fix the both of you. You’ve been trained your entire life to fix problems. Well… you created a problem by letting her go. Now fix it.”
“You and I both know it’s not that simple. I’m not sure I can,” I admit, feeling a wave of regret washing over me. “If I could, I—”
“Bullshit. If Dex and I can make it work, so can you guys.”
“It’s not the same. Dex knows how to play the part of a rich billionaire. He cleans up nicely. The last time I wore a suit—”
“You’re forgetting that you are a rich billionaire,” she cuts in. “You can be whoever you want to be. It’s you who chooses to hold yourself back. You don’t have to be only a cleaner if that’s not what you want to do.”
I remain quiet, not enjoying the tongue lashing from Katja, but also knowing it comes from a place of love. I’m not going to change who I am. I was born to be a cleaner and can’t change that fact. Do I wish there was more sometimes? Sure. But my reality has been carved in stone. I can face it even if others can’t.
“And Rowan doesn’t want you to be someone you’re not. She’s not asking for a suit and tie. She just wants you,” Katja adds. “You. She’s not a hot mess of emotions like you are. She knows what she wants and doesn’t try to hide it.”