Until Lexi

13

LEXI

Jake has become my sanctuary.

My safe space.

Things at home have been a total shit show.

Everyone is waiting—impatiently—for the results of the DNA test so we can figure out what comes next. The anticipation is maddening. The tension in the house is suffocating, and I think we’re all close to reaching our breaking points. The tension, the stress…it’s killing me.

Which is why I spend my days at work, or at home with my family.

And the nights…

The nights are when I run to Jake, seeking solace in him.

Maybe it’s selfish of me to need to escape, but I can’t bring myself to care.

“Are you sure you don’t mind staying home tonight?”

I glance over at Penny, and the desperation in her eyes slays me, cementing my decision. Forcing down my own selfish wants, I plaster a smile on my face. “Yeah, of course. I could use a girls’ night.”

“I’ll hang out here, too,” Riley offers.

Like me, I know she’d rather be anywhere else. Literally, anywhere but here.

That tension I mentioned? We all feel it.

All the bullshit we’re dealing with? It isn’t Penny’s fault. She didn’t ask for all hell to break loose, but she’s had to suffer through it the most because of Mercy.

Hope is the one to blame.

And she’s handling things worse than the rest of us.

Meaning not at all.

Hope is spiraling, and we have no idea what we can do to help her. She won’t talk to any of us, let alone listen to anything we have to say. She leaves the house randomly, disappearing overnight without saying a word, and when she is home… she locks herself in her room. It’s like she’s stopped caring about us completely.

And Mercy.

Poor Mercy.

Hope wants absolutely nothing to do with Mercy. She won’t acknowledge her at all, won’t even look at her. Which honestly isn’t a far cry from the norm, but before all this happened, things seemed like they were getting a little better. Hope started spending short amounts of time with her daughter, interacting with her here and there. It was progress—a scant amount—but better than nothing.

Now we’re back to square one.

“Is she home?” I ask Penny, having just gotten home myself.

Penny shakes her head solemnly, but her eyes say what her lips won’t.

She’s pissed.

We all are.

Everyone who’s been through something traumatic handles it differently, and we understand that this is Hope’s way of coping.

But it doesn’t make it right.

I know it’s not fair for us to judge, and deep down, we’re not. But it kills us to see her refuse to get any kind of help. She’s kept this poison inside her for six years, letting it fester and rot, changing who she is inside and out. Now, it’s seeping out of her and infecting the rest of us. We love Hope. We want to support her and stand by her side like we have all these years, but there comes a point when enough is enough.

We can’t keep carrying her burden.

It’s too fucking heavy.

I’m coming to realize that it’s not our job to “fix” Hope. If she wants to live her life and pretend things never happened… there’s not a damn thing any of us can do about it. But we also can’t keep pretending it’s not tearing us apart. We can’t be expected to sit by and watch her destroy herself.

Toxic is toxic.

No matter how much you love someone.

“No talking about Hope tonight,” Riley says. “We’re gonna forget about all the bullshit tonight and have some fun. Let’s watch some movies and pig out on junk food… something normal. Mercy needs normal, and so do we.”

She’s right.

We could all use a heaping dose of normality. Mercy especially. In this big, crazy world, that little girl is the most important thing to all of us, and we’re going to do what’s best for her.

“Sounds perfect,” Penny agrees.

“Right on. So, Riley… order some take out. Penny, you’re on movie duty,” I say, giving everyone something to focus on.

“What about you?” Penny asks.

“Beauty supplies,” I reply, grinning. “Girls’ night calls for movies, massive amounts of food, and mani-pedis, at the very least.”

Riley sighs and rolls her eyes, but deep down, she fucking loves it.

Well, as long as Mercy doesn’t come at her with pink glittery nail polish again.

An hour later, everything is set up and ready for a night of fun and relaxation.

The food has been delivered and our favorite movies are waiting to be watched.

Riley and Penny even took the time to build a huge blanket fort in the living room. When they got it finished, I laughed as I listened to them coax Mercy away from her room with promises of nail polish and pizza. She shrieked when she saw the fort, and everything else was forgotten.

Now, they’re waiting on me.

While they were busy, I took a quick shower, changed into some comfortable clothes, and raided my nail polish collection for all the best colors. Yes, that includes the one Riley despises.

When I walk into the living room, armed to the brim with nail polish and other pretties, I find the three of them waiting in the fort with big smiles on their faces, and I can’t regret my decision to stay home tonight. We need this.

In the back of my mind, I can’t help but wish Hope were here for this. We used to have girls’ nights like this all the time. Granted, back then they included fewer Disney movies, a lot more alcohol, and usually a joint or two. Good times.

But we’re not carefree teenagers anymore.

Life happened.

And now none of us are the same.

Determined to have a good night, I force away all thoughts of our wayward sister and crawl inside the fort with the rest of my family.

“What movie are we watching first?” I ask, lacing my voice with excitement.

“Brave!” Mercy shouts, making the rest of us laugh.

I don’t know why I even asked.

If I never have to watch this movie again, it will be too soon, but I’ll do anything for this girl. Including watching Brave for the millionth time.

“All right,” I say, reaching over to tickle her. “Now where’s my pizza?”

We spend the next hour and a half watching Mercy’s favorite movie while we gorge ourselves on pizza and snacks. When the first movie ends, she insists we watch Tangled, but she conks out only thirty minutes in. We didn’t even get the chance to let her paint our nails, something for which Riley is vehemently grateful.

“I saw her eyeing that sparkly shit again.”