32
David
Ihave made love more times in the last month than I would have ever imagined. I have to keep reminding Emily that we have to go to work sometimes. I love every moment of it, and I love making her happy. The way she smiles at me afterward is exhilarating. Stronger than any drug I’ve taken.
I buried the old David behind as many layers as I could. I don’t want to hurt her like I hurt other women. She’s not like other women I’ve met. And while I don’t want to hurt her, I do want to cause her pain. I wish I wasn’t wired this way.
I pull a box from under the bed, open the lid, and dig through it. I lift a whip that branches into several leather strips. I close my eyes and imagine using it on Emily’s bare skin. I pull out a pair of restraints and lay them next to me. I breathe deeply, thinking about wrapping these around Emily’s wrists.
Well into my adult life, I realized I could—with the right partner—find the emotional release and physical boundary pushing that I desired. Emily has no idea about this side of me. Left up to me, she never will.
It doesn’t stop the nagging within my gut and the cloud within my mind, though. She writhes when I growl against her neck, but she doesn’t know it’s a noise born of restraint. I have to stop myself before I do something that will scare her, forever altering her opinion of me.
The front door opens and closes. I shove the lid onto the box and kick it back under my bed. I walk out to see Emily putting her jacket on the hook. She’s in her work uniform, and she sure can wear it. I can finally admire her curves without reservation. Her body is perfect, despite her loud protests to the contrary.
“David?”
“I’m right here,” I call to her.
She turns and sees me in the doorway. She smiles, then squints her eyes at me.
“Why do you look like you were just doing something wrong in there?”
She can still read me like she always could. I hate that. I can’t tell her what I was doing in there, but I sure as shit can’t let her think what she thinks I was doing in there.
“I was just watching TV.”
She lets it go, but I can tell she’s checking my pupils as she kisses me. I haven’t given her a reason to distrust me. Well, not this time at least.