H is for Hawk (Men of ALPHAbet Mountain)

“So, what about you?” she asked. “What happened with your sister?”

I sighed, telling her about how Mom passed and how Kim’s tendency to act out only got worse afterward. About her spending all the money she’d inherited from the sale of our childhood home and how she would only check in once in a while, including not telling me she was pregnant.

“Then, she showed up here with a baby, and you know the rest,” I said. “Now I’m here, she’s off doing God knows what, and I’m looking into taking custody of her daughter for her.”

“I can’t imagine doing something like that,” she said. “I guess if I were in your spot, I would take Malia’s kid too. It’s just such a hard choice. You are a good brother for doing that.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled, and I returned it, and then we went back to eating. There seemed like a connection was there, returning from nothingness. But maybe that was just my own wishful thinking.

16

DEANA

I was enjoying spending time with Hawk. That wasn’t something I thought I would be able to say. It seemed ridiculous that I still carried so much feeling about him, but I couldn’t help the reaction when I looked at him or thought about him. That hurt and all the self-doubt he’d created in me had stayed for all these years since then, and I didn’t think I’d ever gotten over it. Actually, I knew I hadn’t.

It wasn’t that I thought about it all the time. I didn’t just sit around and stare out the window deep in thought, dwelling on everything I went through with him. There hadn’t been any angsty songs or dark poetry. Well, maybe there was a poem or two early on, but it wasn’t something I felt like I was dragging around, letting it influence everything I ever did.

And yet, now that I was seeing him again and having to face that we were back living in the same place and he had a whole life I hadn’t even known about, all kinds of feelings were starting to build up in me again. I realized how much I really had hung on to that hurt and how many loose ends were still dangling around. As soon as I saw him there in the hospital, it all came back, and I didn’t want anything to do with him.

But spending this time with him helping him learn to take care of his little niece changed that. I saw the guy I remembered from high school but an even better version now that he was a man. He was still strong and intense, but he was also funny and sweet. I wondered why he’d gotten all the way to this point in his life without finding someone to settle down with.

It was getting later in the evening, and I knew I needed to start making my way home. I had the next day off work, but that didn’t mean I could just stay out all night. The long shifts from the last few days were exhausting and adding coming out here to help Hawk with the baby only drained me more. It was hard to keep up with a regular sleep schedule when my job was as unpredictable as it could be, but I tried to maintain as much consistency as I could so I didn’t totally wear myself down. No one needed a burned-out nurse taking care of them. And I definitely didn’t need to be one.

I checked on Rose sleeping comfortably. She was breathing well and seemed peaceful. The formula had filled her up and didn’t seem to be affecting her negatively.

“Just keep an eye on her over the next day or two,” I told Hawk. “A lot of babies have trouble with their digestive systems, especially when they’re really little like this. That’s why so many are on soy formula. It’s gentler on them. Rose seems to be tolerating this really well, so should be perfectly fine for her moving forward.

“But if you notice she starts fussing a lot, rocking back and forth while she’s lying down, or clutching at her belly, she might be having some digestive discomfort. Remember to burp her before she lies down after eating. If she’s fussing, try placing your whole hand over her belly and applying very light pressure as you rock her gently back and forth. That can help to break up gas bubbles and make her more comfortable. If you think she’s having trouble, we can talk about soy formula.”

“Okay,” Hawk said, giving a single nod. “I’ll watch out for that.”

“Any questions or anything else I can do right now?”

“I don’t think so,” Hawk said.

“Alright. If you’re sure, I’m going to get going. I need to get some sleep,” I said.

He looked sad but nodded. “I understand. I really appreciate you coming today and everything you’ve helped me with. You’ve already done so much more than I could ask for. Thank you.”