Montana Desire

Chapter 28

Cori

Grant was behind me the entire drive back home, and it felt like a ticking bomb. As soon as we reached our houses, the fuse was going to blow and destroy everything.

There was no way I was going to make it through this in one piece. Because the only way I could guarantee to save Grant’s life was to break his heart. If we weren’t together, there was no reason for the Pearsons to be interested in him. Or to hurt him. I would hurt both of us in the short term so that he could have a long term.

I pulled into the driveway slowly. Grant pulled into his. I shut off the truck but didn’t get out. He was going to come over here, and… I couldn’t do this. My eyes were already wet, but I held back the tears. I needed to at least try.

As I predicted, Grant came over to my truck and opened my door. He helped me down, and I started walking toward my house. It was wishful thinking to believe I could make it inside.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he asked.

I swallowed. “What makes you think there’s something wrong?”

“Cori,” he said with a huffed laugh. “I can tell when something’s bothering you. And I can tell when you’re hiding something. You were off during that whole party.”

He pulled me into his arms, and there was nothing I wanted more in that moment than for him to kiss me. But I couldn’t let him do it. If he kissed me, I would melt and I would let him take me inside and love me, and it would make all of this so much worse.

I pulled away.

“Cori…”

Tears flooded my eyes, blurring everything so that I couldn’t see. Thankfully, it was dark, even with the ambiance from the streetlamps. “I can’t do this,” I said, my voice breaking. “It’s over, Grant. I’m sorry.”

There was nothing but silence.

The tears started to spill over, and I managed to make myself look at him.

Grant’s face was blank. “Why?”

How could I make him believe it? He knew when I was upset. He would know I was lying. “Because I can’t.”

“That’s not an answer,” he said gently.

“I know.”

Sliding his hands into his pockets, he looked at the ground. I got the feeling that he was choosing his words carefully. “I wasn’t going to tell you this until later,” he said. “Not until after the surgery when I knew exactly what I could offer you. But…I love you, Cori.”

My heart stopped beating. He loved me too. Fresh, hot tears rolled down. I wanted that. I wanted him. Inside, my heart was ripping itself apart.

“I love you so much that it hurts to breathe.”

A sob worked its way out of me, and he pulled me close. I let him. I couldn’t not let him. That scent of fresh pine and clean air laced with snow surrounded me. My sheets were still going to smell like him. He had things in my house, and I had things in his. This was going to be completely impossible.

“Tell me what’s going on,” he said.

“We can’t be together.”

I felt him shake his head. “That’s what you’re saying, but it’s not the real reason. Because yesterday, you told me that you didn’t want me to wait for commitment. That you were in this with me. What changed?”

My chest hurt. “I thought it through.”

“What does that mean?” He was still being careful with his tone. His words. Trying to find the truth, and also, I knew, trying not to frighten me with any kind of reaction. Because of Joel. Which was why this man was so perfect for me.

“It means that I can’t handle it,” I said. “All of this.”

“All of this.”

I forced myself out of his arms, swiping at my eyes. “Not knowing how it’s going to turn out,” I said. He wasn’t going to let me go easily. Nor should he. What I was saying didn’t make sense, and he could feel it. If this was going to work, I needed to hit him where it hurt, and that just made the tears come faster.

“We can wait and see,” he said. “We don’t have to end it now.”

I took a breath. “I can’t be with someone who’s broken.”

As soon as I said the words, I knew they couldn’t ever be taken back. He flinched as if I’d hit him. And in a way, I had. I’d aimed right for where it would cause the most agony.

“If you go into surgery and come out paralyzed, I know I won’t be able to handle that. The anxiety is just too much to even think about. It’s better to end it now.”

“Cori—”

“Don’t,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. “Please don’t. Don’t make it harder than it already is.”

He shook his head. “I’m just trying to understand.”

“I’m not strong enough. I can’t take it.” The lies were rolling off my tongue hard and fast now. “I need it to be over. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I flung myself at him, taking one more kiss. Something that I could hold on to when I was breaking apart. He held me. Kissed me back. It was almost enough to crack my resolve. Almost enough to make me tell him everything.

But I couldn’t. I just needed him to stay alive. And this was the only way I could think of to make that happen. Pain crackled in my chest, and I broke away. “I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Cori.”

I could barely see my way to my steps. Fumbled with the keys in the door, knowing that he was staring after me. He didn’t yell or scream. Didn’t try to do anything but watch me go.

The door shut behind me without me looking back. Because if I looked back, I would go to him. But I didn’t have the strength to move farther. I sank down against the door and let it all go.

Sounds came from me that I’d never made in my life. This was the sound of grief. Never in my life did I think this would happen to me. Did anyone? Were there people who imagined having to take their own heart in their hands and crush it? Because that’s what this felt like.

I buried my face in my hands and wept.

In nearly thirty years, I didn’t remember ever crying this hard. Or this long. I lost track of time, sitting against the door. My face was a sticky mess, and my eyes were swollen. But I couldn’t stop.

Even when I managed to get myself off the floor and up the stairs, I was crying. In the shower, too. It was only after I wrapped myself in a towel and sat on the bed that it seemed as if I’d cried myself dry.

That didn’t make it better.

The bed felt empty and cold. As I’d thought, I could smell Grant on the pillows.

How could something be both comforting and painful at once? That’s what his scent was. I lay down, not bothering to dress. I wasn’t crying, but tears still leaked out of my eyes and down into the pillows. That was something I would have to get used to, I imagined. This pain wasn’t going away anytime soon.

My phone vibrated in my bag across the room. I ignored it.

If it was Grant, I couldn’t answer it. If it was anyone else, I really didn’t want to talk. It wasn’t as if I could tell anyone the truth anyway.

It was a long time before I fell asleep.