MissManaged

It tookme another day and a half to get my thoughts straight and work up the courage to text Tobin. When I sent a simple, three-word request to talk, he answered immediately. We decided to meet in a local park we’d gone to a few times. He’d offered to come over, but I wanted to talk somewhere neutral.

Somewhere without a bed.

I didn’t want there to be any temptation to skip the important conversation we needed to have and go straight to reconciliation. Because the truth was, I missed him, and it wouldn’t take much convincing to get me into bed. But if that happened, I’d be disappointed in myself, and I didn’t want him to get the impression that all was forgiven and forgotten. Thankfully, he readily agreed to meet me at the park.

I arrived early and found a bench in the shade, away from the crowded playground. Seeing all the people here on a Sunday afternoon made me wish I’d picked some place a little less public, but it was too late now. If there was someone from town who knew us, or more likely, Tobin, then so be it.

He was right on time and only took a minute to spot me. I couldn’t see his face from this far away, but his whole body seemed to relax immediately. While he didn’t exactly run over, he wasn’t wasting any time, either.

My heart raced as he approached, from both nerves and excitement. He looked good dressed in his usual worn jeans, boots, and t-shirt, this one with a local brewery’s name on the front. His hair needed to be cut, again, and his scruff was almost a full-fledged beard, but he’d never looked handsomer to me.

I took a breath to settle my heart and my hormones so I didn’t throw myself at him when he came to a stop in front of me.

“Hi, Charlie,” he said, devouring me with his eyes. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. How are you?”

He frowned at my response. “I’m terrible. I miss you. Please let me apologize.”

I inhaled.

Then exhaled.

“I want to talk but I underestimated how many people would be here. Do you mind if we take a walk so we’re not in full view of everyone?”

“Whatever you need, Charlie.”

I stood and we headed to the walking trail, side by side, remaining in silence until we entered the shade of the woods.

“I’m very sorry I flew off the handle and said the things I said to your father.”

I nodded. “I know you are. You said that in your letter, and in your voicemails and text messages. What I want to know is why you said those particular things? You said that you control me and that I answer to you, but I never agreed to any of that. I don’t want you to guide me or whatever the hell you said. We had three rules between us. That’s it.”

“I know. I wasn’t thinking clearly. My mouth and attitude took over when he tried taking you away from me.”

I halted and swung around to glare at him. “I am not a thing to be taken away from you. He can’t make me do anything anymore. I choose where I go.”

“Yes, you’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Now it sounds like you’re placating me!” My voice had risen, making the people walking in front of us look back in concern. I gave them a friendly wave, hoping they’d mind their own business.

“I’m not. Shit. I’m screwing this all up.” He ran a hand over his face and stared over my shoulder for a minute before meeting my eyes. “I know what I said was not what we agreed to in our relationship, and all I can say is that I didn’t mean a word of it. I like what we have together, and I don’t want to control you like he did.”

“What you said was all my worst fears about having rules and consequences.” He nodded in agreement. “And what was that bit about me moving in with you? We never even discussed that, let alone made a plan.”

He cringed and looked at the ground. “I was planning on talking to you about it that day and was thinking of a way to bring it up on my way over.”

I shook my head. “We’d only been dating for three months. That’s too soon.”

“I knew that’s how you’d feel, but I wanted to start talking about it so you could think about it for a bit and maybe move in after your lease was up in a few months.”

I shook my head again, turned back to the path, and started walking.

“What do I need to do to show you how sorry I am, Charlie?”

I sighed because he still didn’t get it.

“It’s not just about apologizing, though I appreciate that you have. It’s that you broke my trust, you treated me like I was your possession and yelled it so the entire neighborhood could hear. I started this relationship with you cautiously. I told you my fears and that you need to show I could trust you. How am I supposed to trust you again after that?”

I glanced over and found him staring straight ahead, lips pressed together and fists clenched. I hated hurting him, but I needed to be clear about how I felt and remain firm in my decisions about our future.

“I want to be with you but only if we put the discipline part of our relationship on hold and go back to just dating. You need to give me time and build that trust back up. I don’t want presents or for you to apologize endlessly, that’s not what this is about. I’m not trying to punish you or make you grovel. It’s all about me needing to be comfortable giving myself to you like that again.”

We walked in silence for a while as I let him process what I’d said. The walking trail was a loop, and we were heading back toward where we’d started.

“Do you need time to think about what I said?” I asked as we approached our vehicles.

“No. I don’t need time.”

My heart sunk at the finality of his words, but I reminded myself that I did what was best for me. I went to open my car door, but his next words stopped me in my tracks.

“Will you have dinner me with me tomorrow night?”

I turned to look at him and found a blank expression.

“Can we go to that Mediterranean place in Ellicottville?” I asked.