Against The Grain (THIRDS 5)

“So what’s the problem? Or is it none of my business?”

“It’s personal,” Ash replied quietly.

“Does it have to do with why you’re so hung up on the whole gay thing? No one cares about that anymore. And you’re both Therian, so you won’t get the same level of shit Sloane and Dex will get once their relationship is out there.” His frown deepened. “There’s a lot of stupid in this world. I hope those two are ready for it.”

“They can handle themselves. And I know no one will care that Cael’s a guy. You’re not the first to tell me that, believe me. The problem is I care, because the last time I gave into what I felt for a guy, my brother got killed.”

Maddock cursed under his breath. “Jesus, Ash. Why the hell didn’t I know you had a brother?”

“When Shultzon registered me, he made sure to keep certain personal information out of our files. I had a twin brother. Arlo. He was killed during the riots. We were just kids.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Can I ask what happened?”

“I fucked up, and Arlo paid the price. I was supposed to have been there the day he was killed, but I wasn’t. I was with this boy I had a crush on. I sent Arlo home on his own, and he was killed.”

“I’m sorry for your loss, but how do you know you wouldn’t have been killed along with him if you’d gone home together?”

Ash grimaced. “Now you sound like Sloane.”

“I would listen to him. He’s a smart guy. Whatever happened that day, no matter how tragic, isn’t your fault.”

His parents hadn’t thought so. They’d blamed him for Arlo’s death. He remembered that day clearly. He’d wanted to die. To be with Arlo and away from his parents, who hated him, from all the horrible things his father said to him, from the pain his father inflicted on him. Then Ash had shifted, and his world officially went to hell.

“Either way, that fucked me up, Sarge. I’ve tried to move on from it, but the thought of what I did, of how I wasn’t there to protect Arlo, it’s been eating away at me year after year after year. When I think of being with Cael, I think about how giving in to what I felt all those years ago brought nothing but pain and heartache. It destroyed my family. When I’m out with the team, with Cael, I tell myself no one knows what I’m really feeling or thinking. They don’t. Yet it feels like they do, like they’re judging me, condemning me. How can I be the man Cael deserves when the thought of holding his hand in public scares the ever-living shit out of me?” How was it he could compartmentalize everything else in his life, but when it came to Cael, everything was a jumbled mess?

“Have you talked to Cael about this?”

“No.” Ash frowned down at his fingers on the table. “I told him we’d sit down and talk, and we will. I need to figure things out.”

“You do that.” Maddock reached out and patted his arm before sliding out of the booth, taking Old Betsy with him. “Talk to each other. Let him help you. If you really care about him the way you say you do, then let him help you. Sometimes, no matter our strength, we need someone we care about to lean on, and that’s okay.” With that, Maddock headed for the stairs, but not before calling out over his shoulder. “Tell Sloane I expect you both over for Christmas dinner as well.”

Ash turned in his seat. “You want us to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with you?” After everything he’d just told him?

“Is that a problem?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Well, all right, then.”

Maddock disappeared through the doorway, and Ash sat there for a moment. He couldn’t believe he’d opened up like that to his sergeant. Now that he had, he was glad he’d done it. Besides, Maddock deserved the truth, especially since it concerned Cael. Ash still had no clue what he was going to do, but Maddock was right. He needed to talk to Cael. Soon.

Ash headed back downstairs. Thankfully the music playing from the sound system wasn’t Dex’s annoying ’80s playlist, but a mix of classic rock and modern music. It was loud enough to enjoy but low enough everyone could talk to each other without having to shout, which Ash hated. It’s why he rarely went to clubs. The music was so damned loud in those places he could barely hear himself think. And despite what most people believed, he did think. Too much at times. He dropped himself into the chair at the table next to Sloane. Dex sat across Sloane’s lap, and the two were so lost in each other, they hadn’t even noticed him. Ash didn’t interrupt. Instead he watched them, envious of the easy way his best friend smiled and laughed with his boyfriend. The love shone through in his eyes, and there was no hesitation when he kissed Dex. No second thought. It was natural. An extension of himself. He was in love with the man in his arms and unafraid of who knew or who saw. Granted, there was only their team in the bar, but had the place been filled to the brim with people, Sloane still wouldn’t have hesitated. His best friend’s only worry regarding his relationship with his partner was the job. Ash couldn’t see himself being so at ease out in the open with Cael.

Kiss. Ash turned away from Sloane and Dex as the memory of Cael kissing him entered his mind. He’d tried his hardest not to think about it, but it had been one of the most amazing experiences of his life. Cael had tasted sweet and warm. Despite the state they’d both been in, Ash had caught a whiff of Cael’s intoxicating scent. Holding Cael in his arms…. He hadn’t wanted to let go. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since, either.

“Hey, big guy. You okay?”

Ash blinked, his attention moving to Cael, who was watching him worriedly. Damn. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed Cael arrive.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I’m so sorry about my dad.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Ash said with a warm smile. “Really, we just talked.”

“I can’t believe he totally freaked out like that.” Cael lowered himself onto the seat beside him, his crutch to one side.

“I can. He’s a good man. You’re very lucky.”