Jerk

I roll my eyes and look away. “That ‘me’ is dead.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to suggest he isn’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t still be standing here in the rain, like you’re waiting for him to come back. It isn’t too late. He’s just around the corner.”

“If he doesn’t want me …” I can’t even finish the sentence. I just drop my gaze to the shiny, wet pavement, and a puddle that pops and crackles like shattered glass from the rainfall. “I don’t chase after guys. Not anymore.”

Tim leans against the wall next to me. “Too bad.” He gazes off down the street. “Danny is a one-of-a-kind fellow. Not my type at all. Too sweet. But definitely a needle in a needlestack.”

“That’s not the saying.” I eye the puzzle that is Tim. “Why don’t you think a sweet guy like Danny could give you what you want?” I ask him, annoyed. “If you only go after the jerks, that’s all you’ll get. People who overlook you. People who treat you mean. People who don’t get you.”

“But I like being treated that way. It’s my thing.”

“No. You like a guy to dominate you. That’s why you swiped right on my profile pic so long ago. You saw some misleading pic I used—me, sweaty in a gym, looking dominant and full of attitude. That’s the experience you craved, the fantasy you built up in your head. Being dominated is understandable. But a nice guy could just as easily act mean to you in the bedroom, if you wanted him to, and if you’re both into it. Tie you up, tease you, drive you crazy, then after you’ve had your kinky fun, he’ll kiss and cuddle you and actually stick around. A nice guy with your kinks. Maybe even another Tim out there, just like you. Don’t you want something like that?”

Tim thinks it over. “Hmm. Kinda like you almost did for me at that movie theater?”

I shrug and thrust my hands into my pockets. Honestly, my heart isn’t in this conversation. My heart was taken away by the guy who just walked off and left me here in the rain. “Something like that. Anyway, I’m heading home. I don’t care how far it is on foot. Night, Tim.” I start making my way.

The rain is so loud, I don’t even realize Tim is following me until three whole blocks later.

I stop under the awning of a restaurant and face him. “Why are you—?”

“I have a question,” he cuts me off, “and I know neither of us will get any sleep tonight unless you answer it.”

I sigh. “I don’t feel like answering any—”

“This is the question: Does it feel better being the type of guy you used to hate?”

My lips are parted with whatever I was about to say. Now I’m frozen in place with a sudden bonfire of indignation burning inside my chest. A hundred defensive remarks flit past my lips, but none of them come out.

How can one little question destroy a person at once? The type of guy you used to hate …

“Tell me why you did it,” says Tim, taking a seat at an empty outdoor table, conveniently right there next to us under the awning. “I want to know why you became such a jerk since the last time I saw you. I think it’ll help us both to understand better, if you talk me through it.”

“I … I don’t owe you any explanation,” I spit back at him, something deep inside me seething from even being asked such a question. Still, inexplicably, I answer him. “I was sick of being invisible. I wanted guys to look at me. Now guys look at me. What else is there to know?”

“You seem to act as if being a jerk and having a muscular body are the same thing. But they aren’t. You can be a jerk and look like me. You can be a nice guy and look like you.”

“What’s your point?”

“Are you happy?”

Whether it’s the relentless rain, his dry yet caring tone of voice, or my own pain, I find all of the fight fleeing my system at once. I have nothing left. No defenses. No explanations. No bitter remarks. Just the noise of the rain, a stinging silence in my heart, and the question still left unanswered.

Are you happy?

I drop into the chair across from him. “No.”

“Tell me why you did it.”

I lower my gaze to the table. Finally, a gate opens inside my chest, and it all comes out. “I’m not sure when it was, but there was this … this moment sometime last year when I was in the middle of working out and learning all the ropes … somewhere between the ‘me’ I used to be and the ‘me’ I am now … and I still noticed and pined for the hotties at the gym, the ones who ignored me. I told myself right then I would never become one of them, not truly. I could change what it means to be a buff hottie. I wouldn’t look down on anyone. I’d give attention to the nice guys, the smaller guys, the invisible guys … I wouldn’t ignore them, wouldn’t treat them the same shitty way I’ve been treated my whole life.”