She went very still and when she spoke it was almost a whisper. ‘What did you say?’
‘I love you,’ he said, staring at her unwaveringly, unwilling to miss even a flicker of reaction. ‘And I need you. You have no idea how much. You are incredible.’
She swallowed hard. ‘But you threw me away.’
‘Yes,’ he said, the memory of his careless brutality skewering him.
‘It hurt.’
At the pain in her eyes, his chest tightened as if caught in a vice. ‘I know. And I’m sorry. For all of it. For the way I spoke to you in the car. For blackmailing you in the first place. For everything.’ He cleared his throat. ‘The thing is, Kate, for so long I’ve believed the world is a safer place if I’m alone and that detachment and distance was the only way to achieve that. It always has been.’
He paused and rubbed his hands over his face as he forced himself to continue. ‘My earliest memory is of my father hitting my mother in the face. I can still see her on the floor, him looming over her, huge and angry while she curled up tight. We were terrified every time he came home. I used to wake up to the sounds of crying and shattering glass. I had nightmares. From the youngest age I wanted to protect her, but I couldn’t and the sense of failure and hopelessness was all-consuming. I learned to shut down and switch off, and it became so natural I was barely aware I was doing it, or continued to do it. And, yes, I got out, but not before picking up a lot of other damaging belief, especially the “my way or the highway” approach to doing things, which could be attributed to my success or it could just as well be learned. And that’s another thing. Success is an easy place to hide, and if no one ever challenges you it becomes even easier.’
He looked at her, willing her to understand and to forgive. ‘But you did challenge me, Kate. You do challenge me. At first I tried to resist, tried to control it, but that was always going to be a battle I was going to lose. And I have lost it. Which is fine, because I don’t want to hide behind my hang-ups any more. I want to de-programme and learn to live my life with you and our child. You have no idea how badly I want to meet him or her. I can’t stop thinking about who they’ll look like. I want to be the kind of father I never had. But most of all I want you on my side. By my side. I want everything you have to give and to give you everything you want in return because you deserve to have it.’
He stopped and focused on her, but he couldn’t tell what she was thinking and he went cold, his pulse thudding in his ears and dread whipping through him. ‘But maybe I’m not what you want any more,’ he said, his throat suddenly tight and his voice cracking. ‘Maybe I’m too late. Am I?’
All Kate could do was shake her head. The lump the size of Ireland that was lodged in her throat was preventing her from speaking, and her heart was so full she could barely think. Theo loved her. He wanted her. He’d opened up to her, trusting her with his greatest fears and his deepest vulnerabilities and it was everything she’d dreamed of but thought she’d never have.
‘You’re not too late,’ she said, her voice thick with emotion, the need to dispel the uncertainty in his expression and the tension gripping his large, powerful body all-consuming.
His breath caught. His gaze sharpened. A muscle hammered in his jaw. ‘No?’
‘No.’
‘I am still what you want?’
‘Yes,’ she said with a nod. ‘And more. I love you.’
‘Thank God for that,’ he muttered, striding forward, taking her in his arms and kissing her hard until her head spun and her stomach melted. ‘I really thought I’d screwed up beyond salvation.’
‘What took you so long?’
‘As you may have noticed, I can, on occasion, be rather single-minded.’
She leaned back in his arms and arched an eyebrow. ‘On occasion?’ she asked with a giddy grin.
‘All right. More than on occasion. Once I embark on a course of action I’m not easily derailed. I always know what I’m doing. I always think I’m right. There’s safety and security in that. But then I met you and that was shot to hell. I found myself making reckless suggestions and behaving in ways I didn’t recognise and it terrified me.’ He looked deep into her eyes as if still unable to believe she was there. ‘And then somehow you became the plan,’ he said in wonder. ‘I love you, Kate, and you should know I don’t intend to let you go.’
‘And you should know,’ she said, pressing closer and winding her arms round his neck, ‘tha
t however tough things get, I will never walk away. I will always be on your side.’
‘Will you marry me?’ he asked, his eyes blazing with such love and tenderness that her own began to sting. ‘For real?’
And as happiness burst through her like sunshine she tucked her head into his shoulder and sighed, ‘I will.’
EPILOGUE
Two and a half years later
‘SO APPARENTLY,’ SAID KATE, sticking two candles into the dinosaur cake she’d spent most of the morning making, ‘if you measure a child on its second birthday and double it, that’s the height they’re going to end up being.’
Theo glanced over from where their toddler son was ripping wrapping paper into shreds, his chest filling with emotion as it never failed to do. ‘What’s the verdict?’
‘Five foot eight.’
His eyebrows shot up. ‘Seriously?’