When I get to the park, I make my way back to the waterfall. There is no other place that I would do this. The waterfall is the perfect spot.
When I get home, I go inside and grin at Blake. “All done, brother.” When I sit down, he gives me a pound.
“Fucking awesome. Hey, not to take away from that, but Shannon called while you were gone, and the shoot for that cover is soon. I’m so fucking stoked.” I’m so glad shit is coming together for him. He’s been very supportive of me this week, and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him.
“That’s great. Do you have an exact date yet?” He shakes his head, flipping the channels.
“She asked when I was available, so I gave her the dates. She was going to get in touch with everyone else and see what she could work out.”
“Sweet.” I put my feet up on the table and my arms behind my head. “I’m going to load everything up on the computer, and after I post it, we are going out back to have a few drinks.” He laughs and gets up.
“I better go grab some beer. You want Chinese?” Just the thought of it makes me think of Kallie.
“Nah, pizza.” He leaves, and I decide to go get the laptop and get started.
I didn’t expect it to take as long as it did, but I finally got everything taken care of. With my stomach in knots, I go outside and find Max and Brody sitting with Blake. “What the hell are you guys doing here? I thought you were going out?” Max hands me a beer and smiles.
“Man, you think we would let you sit this one out on your own?” I smile and sit down at the table with them.
“You act like I’m about to step into the lion’s den.” We all laugh, and I sip my beer.
“Brother, you are about to.” Fuck, I am.
THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST week of my life. I’ve never had to deal with anything like this; the verbal abuse is more hurtful then you could ever imagine. I haven’t cried, I won’t. I know if I start, I will never stop. This is exactly why I kept pushing him away, why I knew this was a bad idea. Now I’m in too deep, my heart doesn’t belong to me anymore, he owns it. So how the fuck am I supposed to deal with this? If I stay with Jax, I may never be looked at with respect as a photographer, but if I let him go, I will never be whole again.
I lay my head back on the couch and look up at the ceiling. I haven’t talked to him once since he left my place. I need to get a new phone, since mine shattered when I dropped it. I have no idea if he’s tried to call, and I think that’s why I haven’t gotten a new one yet. I don’t want to know. I’d rather think he has, than have it and see he hasn’t. I told him to stay away, but now that he has, I’m even worse. Brinley has stayed over a few times, but she has a life she needs to get to, she can’t babysit me. Not to mention, she keeps telling me what an asshole I am for allowing this to get the best of me. I tried to remind her of how she felt with Josh, but she reminded me that we love each other, so it’s different. It’s like she’s been talking to Jax or some shit. My house phone rings, pulling me out of my thoughts. That’s right, I’m one of the few people that still have a house phone, but Braden suggested it when I moved in. I never use it though, so I know it’s him calling. “Hello?”
“Hey, how are you?” He’s called me every day since it’s happened to check on me. Every time he calls, I try to talk about something else. He’s confessed to me that things with Sarah are getting worse, and he’s thinking of just coming home. I hate that he is hurting too, but damn it, I want him to come home. He’s even let Dawn call me a few times. When I hear her little voice, those are the only times I smile, but it makes me realize how much I miss her too. Tiffany is making noises in the background, and I can only imagine how big she’s gotten. “Kall?”
“Sorry. I’m the same. So how are things there? Any better?” He sighs.
“I wish you’d stop avoiding the question. Things here suck. Sarah is being a bitch, and we aren’t even sleeping in the same room. I’ve been sleeping in the room with the girls.” Shit, I didn’t know it was that bad. He needs to come home and start over.
“Braden, sometimes things just don’t work out how we planned. I know you thought you’d be with her forever, but maybe you should come home now. I mean, I thought Jax and I had a future, but look at us.” He doesn’t say anything for a minute, and I think maybe he’s pissed I crossed that line.
“Kallie, listen. The reason we aren’t working is because she doesn’t like this life. She feels like we rushed into marriage and kids. She wants to go out, party, and relive her youth. The reason you and Jax aren’t working is because you are pushing him away.” I go from feeling sorry for him to wanting to punch him in the throat in a second.
“That’s not what is happening.” He cuts me right off.
“Shut it and listen to me for a minute. You are pushing him away because you don’t like what people are saying. Why the fuck would you accept that? You’ve gone on Facebook every day reading what all these assholes say, but you haven’t once defended yourself, defended Jax. How do you expect it to work if you aren’t trying?”
“I don’t see him on here defending
me, defending us. He said if this happened, he’d tell everyone that he loves me. He hasn’t said shit, so why should I?” I don’t understand why the fuck everyone is sticking up for Jax. I’m getting sick of hearing it. Not only are people on social media saying hurtful things, my own family and friends seem to want in on it.
“Kall, have you tried to get in touch with him?” I feel the tears, but blink them back. I will not cry.
“No, but he hasn’t either.”
“How would you know that without a phone? Why don’t you think about talking to him? He’s probably hurting as much as you are.” I hate when he says things that make sense. “I’ve never seen you as happy as when you were with him. I’d hate for you to lose that because of some stupid bullshit. You know, it’s going to be old news soon, and when it is, what will you have? Nothing.” I get up to grab a drink to get this lump out of my throat.
“It’s hard.” He laughs, and I’m back to wanting to hurt him.
“Everything worth having is hard.” I lean against the counter and sip my water.
“When did you get so damn smart?” We talk for a while longer until I hear Sarah yelling in the background. He sighs and tells me he’ll talk to me tomorrow, but not before telling me again to talk to Jax.
As much as I miss him and want to call, I just can’t do it yet. I spend the majority of the day editing photos. The more I edit, the more I feel like I need to fight for myself. This is my life, my world, and Jax is a part of it, or at least I hope he still is. I haven’t posted anything on Facebook since the whole thing happened. Sure, I’ve been on torturing myself, but I haven’t posted any of my photos. I decide the first step in fighting for myself is getting on and posting a few of my photos. Maybe people will see that and stop. I log in, and just like it’s been every day since, I have a ton of notifications. I click on them to make it disappear, and I happen to see one from Jax. My heart starts pounding and my hands start sweating. I’m so nervous to see what it is. With a shaking hand, I click on it and wait for it to pop up. When it does, it’s a video. Above it, it says, “You want the truth, well, here it is.” Before I hit play, I notice that it’s been shared over three hundred times. Damn. I take a deep breath and press play.