After my shower and convincing myself that I’m over-reacting, we get into Blake’s black Ford F250 pickup. “You know, it’s not as bad as it looks. Personally, I think you should just ignore it all.”
“Not a chance. I’m going to make a video post and tell them all that I’m in love with her.” He looks over at me and grins.
“Kinda romantic of you, declaring your love to the world like that.” We both laugh, and I’m finally starting to feel better. Maybe it’s because I’m going to see her, or maybe it’s because I’m finally starting to not feel drunk. Either way, I have a feeling things are going to be just fine.
We pull up to her place, and I look over at Blake. “Thanks, brother. If she doesn’t want to kick me in the nuts, I’ll text you and let you know. If she does, well, I’ll be back soon.” I go to get out, and he grabs my arm. I turn to look at him.
“I know I gave you a hard time about this, but I want to see you guys make it. Don’t let her kick you to the curb without a fight.” I nod and get out of the truck. I take the stairs and make my way to her door. I try the handle, just in case, but for the first time, it’s locked. I knock and stand there with my heart beating so hard I can hear it in my ears. I knock a few more times before I finally hear the door being unlocked. She opens it, and my heart starts to bleed. She looks awful. Her hair is wild, makeup running down her face from crying, a blanket draped over her shoulders, and when she looks up at me, the sadness I see on her face is enough to make a grown ass man cry.
“Kallie. Oh God, baby.” I go in to hug her, and she steps back.
“I just can’t right now, Jax. I need time.” I grab a hold of the trim above the door and try to calm myself down.
“You need time for what?” She shakes her head and looks down.
“Why are you making this worse?” Making it worse, is she fucking kidding me?
“I’m making this worse? Don’t you think you are being a little dramatic here? I told you our relationship was going to come out, this shouldn’t be a shock to you. You pushing me away isn’t going to fix anything.” She snaps her head up to me.
“You think I’m being dramatic? Fans of yours are telling me I’m a slut. The only reason I got you to shoot for me was because I suck good dick. That I am a whore, a shitty photographer, that you can do so much better. My name is all over social media, trashing me, trashing my business. I’ve had three models cancel on me already today. So fuck you, if you think I’m being dramatic because I think I’m dealing with it a hell of a lot better than most people would.” She chokes back a sob, and I can’t take it, I drop my hands and grab her, holding her close.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’ll fix it all, but don’t shut me out now.” She melts into my arms, and I feel like I’ve gotten through. I kiss the top of her head, and it’s like I pulled her out of the trance she was in. She shoves at my chest, trying to get out of my hold.
“I can’t do this. You need to go.” I hold her closer.
“Look at me.” She lifts her head, sadness hitting me in the chest. “This isn’t over. I won’t let you give up on us. I told you it would be hard, but I need you to fight for us too.” She shoves my chest again, and I let go.
“Just go.” I nod my head and take the two steps out to the hallway. When I start to turn around, she quickly closes the door. I walk down the hallway, and when I get into the stairwell, I punch the wall, over and over. The brick wall splits open my knuckles, and I feel the blood running down my hand, but I don’t give a shit. I hit the wall a few more times until the pain is so severe I can’t take it. I thought it would take the pain away from my bleeding heart, but it didn’t.
“Fuck!” I hold my hand to my chest and go outside. Blake is standing by his truck smoking, and when he sees me, he throws it and runs over.
“Holy shit, what the fuck happened?” He tries to check my hand, but I push him away. “Jax, what did you do?”
“Well, let’s see. Kallie thinks this is all my fault, it’s already cost her jobs, she doesn’t want to see me, so I punched the shit out of a wall hoping it would take the pain away. Let me tell you, brother, it doesn’t, it only makes it worse.” I walk over to the truck and open the door, climbing up in it. I pull my shirt off and wrap it around my hand so I don’t get blood on his seat. He gets in and pulls out of the parking lot without saying a word. I’m grateful because I don’t feel like talking—not when the best thing that has ever happened to me is broken, and I can’t do shit to fix it.
We don’t say anything on the ride home, and when we get there, I go right into the bathroom and wash my hand. My knuckles are swollen and shredded, just like my heart. I go into the kitchen and get some ice. I put it into a towel and hold it on my hand. I sit at the table and light a smoke. I need to figure out a way to fix this for her, even if she doesn’t take me back. She took a chance on me, broke all her rules for me, the least I could do is fix it. I just need to figure out how. I rest my head down on the table for a second before lifting it to take another drag. “You want to talk about it?” Brody sits down and hands me an ashtray.
“Ho
w the hell did you find out?” He looks behind me, and I turn to see Blake.
“He called me.” I look at my brother and realize I’ve turned into him. Blake was right. It may not have happened because of cheating, but I still ended up with my heart broken. Just like Brody. “This is fixable, Jax. You need to give it time.” I put out my cigarette and look at him.
“I don’t have time.” I get up and go to leave the kitchen.
“Don’t do this, Jax. You will look back and fucking regret it all. If you love her like you say you do, put up a fight.” I shake my head and go to my room to try to sleep. I close the door and kick off my shoes. I climb into bed, and within seconds, I fall asleep.
I open my eyes and it is dark out. I reach over, feeling for Kallie, and then it hits me. It wasn’t a dream. I sit up and my hand is throbbing. I pick up my phone, checking the time, and I can’t believe I slept so long. It’s almost nine o’clock. I’ve never felt so broken before, not even when my parents left or when Brody got his heart smashed. I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life that I cried; nothing has ever hurt enough. When I feel a tear run down my cheek, I realize that this is the lowest point of my life.
I wipe my face and go take another shower. I refuse to sit back and let this ruin me, ruin us. I get out and throw on my favorite black T-shirt with a skull on it that says, ’Live or Die.’ Pretty fitting for how I feel right now. I put on my jeans, dry my hair with a towel, and go out to the living room. Blake is watching TV and turns to me when I walk out. “How are you?” I grab a water out of the fridge and sit next to him.
“Fucking horrible, but I’m not the guy who’s going to stay down. I’m going to fucking fight, because I told her I would.” He smiles and nods his head.
“Now that is the Jax I know. What’s the plan?” I tell him exactly what I’m thinking, and the more I talk, the more excited I get. If this doesn’t work, well then, I’ll need to figure out a plan B.
The next week, I stay off social media completely. I saw enough to know that it will only make me hit another wall. Brody and Blake haven’t left my side. As nice as it is, sometimes I just need to be alone. For the final part of my plan, I’ve decided to take a ride up to the park that Kallie found. It’s the perfect spot, and this way, I get to be alone for a while.
The drive there brings back memories of the first time we made the ride. It seems like so long ago; we weren’t even together then. I think back on all the times we’ve spent laughing, hanging out, and all the nights I went to bed with a hard-on. The night we finally got together was the best night of my life. I mean, shit, I had fallen in love with her before she was even mine. That makes this radio silence on both our parts that much harder. Every day, I’ve picked up the phone to call her, but I know if I do, it will only make things worse. I need to follow through with what I have planned before I even think of making a move.