Homeless Heart

Phin

I sat there staring at the one woman who ever loved me. I knew I had to be brave for both of us and tell her my story; the good, the bad and the ugly. I wouldn’t hold back this time. She would hear it all and let the consequences be damned. If she kicked me out or rejected me, then that was what was meant to be. Her love was worth ten times my inheritance. I thought it best if I started from the beginning so she'd understand why I'd left and how I'd ended up back on her doorstep. We sat on the sofa; I took her hands and looked up at her as I began the story of my life.

"My dad used to beat me with his belt from about the time I was five until I was seventeen. He did it on my back so no one would ever see it. When I was little, it was for small offenses, and I would only get a few lashes. He'd tell me how worthless I was and that he wished I were never born. From an early age, I thought I was worth nothing, believing my father with every lash. When I got to high school, I got into a little trouble with some friends. I did it mostly to piss him off, I am still unsure why, considering I knew the consequences. I thought if he beat me bad enough someone might find out."

I took a long breath, looking down at Elizabeth. Tears pooled in her eyes, and I moved her in closer, not wanting to look too long into her sad eyes. If I looked at her now, I wouldn't be able to finish the story. I'd want to bury myself in her embrace.

Swallowing hard, I kept going. "During my senior year, I just kept pushing and pushing my father. He started using different belts, which left larger cuts on my skin. I never made a noise or cried in front of him. I took each beating without a word or complaint, which I think pissed him off even more. I wouldn’t give that fucker the satisfaction."

Lizzie looked back up at me. "Is that why you won't let me touch your back?"

I kissed the top of her head to acknowledge her question. "Then my friends and I pulled a big prank before graduation, and we got busted. My father had had enough of me embarrassing him. He brought me home and beat me worse than he'd ever had in the past."

"I am so sorry, Phin." Lizzie gasped as she caressed my cheek.

"I am the one who's sorry, I know I should have told you, Lizzie. After that beating, I decided I'd had enough, and I needed to go. If I had stayed, I would have killed him. I packed a bag, got the little money I had, and I snuck out of the house and left for LA on a bus. I never went back."

Elizabeth tightened her arms around me, and I didn't want her to let go. "Phin, you are so brave. I am so proud of you for telling me, and I know it had to be hard," she whispered in my ear. The shame hit me hard, and I didn't deserve her forgiveness, but I took it because I couldn't resist it.

She loosened her hug and kissed each of my cheeks. "That's not all of your story, is it?"

I gave her a half-smile because my Lizzie was smart. Shaking my head at her, I said, "Lizzie, you know me so well. No, it's not. Now, this is the part of my story where I am most ashamed. Please don't judge me."

She squeezed my hands, holding them to her heart.

"I promise. Go ahead."

She rested her head over my heart while I told her the rest of my story.

"I've been living on the streets much of the time since I left." I swallowed hard and tried to find the words. "Elizabeth, I am homeless."

She sat up and looked at me. "Phin, I think I suspected that might be the case, but I was waiting for you to tell me. Duke finally confirmed it when he called looking for you and told me what you'd been doing in LA."

"Shit, I'm sorry. Duke's gonna be so pissed at me."

"Yes, he's not happy, but he loves you. I'd almost lost all hope until your phone rang. I answered it, hoping someone would know where you were. His grumbly voice scared the crap out of me."

We both laughed, and I rested my head on her shoulder. "He’s not that scary. I love him so much, Lizzie."

"I figured that out after we talked for almost an hour, and he told me how he thinks of you as a son."

She looked up at me, and I was having a hard time keeping it together. Swallowing hard, I tried to speak. "He truly saved my life."

"Yes, I can tell. I've been calling all the shelters looking for you. No one would tell me where you were, even though I am sure some of them knew you. Duke's planning on coming up next week to find you himself."

I had to laugh thinking of that big guy in a small airplane seat.

"I've been too chicken to call him, and I left my phone here with you. I am sorry I was a coward, Lizzie. I didn't want to hope you'd be looking for me. I am just so ashamed of having to live on the streets and most of all for leaving you. I couldn't let my parents find me, there was too much to lose. I know now I should have talked to you about everything. I should have trusted you, but I was scared."

Lizzie placed her lips on mine, which tasted of tomato sauce and reassurance.

When she sat back, she smiled at me. "Yes, you should have trusted me. Now finish telling me your story."

"Wait a minute. Did you say you talked to Duke for an hour on the phone? How is that possible, he hates talking on the phone?" The thought made me laugh, Lizzie just chatting away with Duke.

"Don't worry, I did most of the talking and crying, but he was worried about you, Phin. Stop changing the subject and keep talking."

"The fear of my father was a big reason for leaving you too. I was so afraid that you'd want me to contact them or that you'd contact them, thinking that you were helping me out. I can't explain the fear to you, Lizzie."

She whispered, as she tried to reassure me, "I wouldn't do that to you."

"Sweetheart, I know you wouldn't have done it to be mean, you would have thought it would make things better. You live to help people and make people happy. I am sorry. I know it wasn't fair of me not to tell you all this before making that decision for you. I just freaked out when I saw the file. I was in survival mode, and I am used to running."

"I know, Phin, I am trying to understand, but it sounds like you have PTSD. Hope feels so bad about it, and she's been calling the shelters too. She was only trying to help."

"I'll have to thank her," I reassured her.

"Phin, where was your mom when all this was happening? Why didn't she leave him?"

I tried to not sound too bitter and angry in discussing my mother's absence. "She was up in her bedroom drinking and trying to pretend it wasn't happening. I find it so fucking hypocritical that she's out spending their money trying to find me now."

"Was your father abused as a child? Abusers are often abused."

Lizzie’s question catches me off guard. "I don't know, but that doesn't make it fucking okay to do it to me." My body tensed as I tried to stay calm and not get angry because Lizzie was trying to help me understand. Times likes this made me want to hit something or clean. Right now, I couldn't fight, so my only option was to clean up this pigsty of an apartment.

"I know, Phin, I am just trying to understand how someone could do that to their kid. It wasn't like you grew up on the wrong side of the tracks."

"Dear Lizzie, things aren't always as they seem when money is involved. You see, the reason I am hiding is that I get a five-million-dollar inheritance when I turn twenty-one, which is nine months from now. I'd lived and suffered so long to get that money. I couldn't chance my father finding me."

She kissed my chest where her head was resting. "You know that I don't care about that money, Phin, we can live without it."

"You might not understand, Lizzie, but I deserved that money. I won’t let him keep it from me after all I've suffered."

"Sure, I guess I understand that."

"After a year on the streets, Duke found me." I needed to change the subject to something good.

She looked up at me. "I love Duke."

"Me too, Lizzie. He helped me and became the father figure I never knew I needed. He's an amazing bear of a man. I can't wait for you to meet him. He will love you."

"I can't wait to give him a hug for taking care of you."

"I warn you now, Duke isn't much for hugging, but since you're a pretty girl, I think he might let you." We both laughed, and I could feel the tension leave us both.

"Where did you live in LA?"