Homeless Heart

Chapter 44

Lizzie

The week after Phin's mother's visit, he was considerably happier. He had a real spring in his step and a light in his eyes that wasn't there in the past. Initially, I felt terrible about bringing his mother into our lives, but seeing Phin's demeanor change made me reconsider my regret. I agreed to attend Phin's therapy session this week, and I was excited because it was working so well for him.

A smile brightened across my face when I saw Phin climb out of the taxi. He came bounding up to me outside the therapist's office and gave me a warm kiss and a long hug. He took my hand and led me upstairs without saying anything.

The therapist's waiting room was warm, with cocoa-colored walls and an expensive but well-worn leather sofa and loads of plants. We settled on the overstuffed sofa and Phin tried to soothe my nerves. He talked to me in his low sexy whisper, holding my hand and giving me his most playful smile. "If you are a good girl, I promise to get you a lollipop when you leave."

I couldn't help but laugh at his playfulness, and I was sure of what he wanted me to suck on later. Just as I leaned in to give him a reassuring kiss, the sound of a door opening stopped us both, and we looked over to see Dr. Lawrence. We stood to greet him, slightly embarrassed at being caught. With a firm handshake, he ushered us into his office. Dr. Lawrence was a tall man, slightly taller than Phin, so he must be at least six foot four. He was wearing Dockers with an ordinary button-down shirt, very Gap work casual. His kind blue eyes and sandy-brown hair reminded me of a young Jimmy Stewart, which put me at ease.

The doctor sat in a club chair, crossed his legs, picked up his pad and settled in for the session. I could see why Phin was doing so well; I would probably tell him all my troubles if he asked me.

"Elizabeth, I am glad you could make it today. Now that we've addressed Phin's depression and I know he is feeling better, we need to talk about moving forward. He needs to work on dealing with the grief of losing the love of his parents and the loss of his childhood. He needs to deal with this type of grief. He's ready for a breakthrough, but like most people, he's afraid of the pain that will entail. Phin believes he can only make this breakthrough with you here for support. I wouldn't normally encourage having someone else here for this, but Phin insisted."

We were sitting next to each other, but we hadn't been touching, which made me uneasy.

"Yes, I want to help him any way I can."

"Great, so I will request you sit and listen. If Phin asks, you can answer, but I ask you to be an observer here.”

"Sure, I understand." I turned to give a reassuring smile to Phin as Dr. Lawrence started the session.

Dr. Lawrence turned his attention to Phin. "My first question is, have you read your father's letter?" The letter arrived a few days after Phin's mother came to our house. Phin had put off reading it. "No, not yet." His leg bounced, and I wanted to touch him to comfort him, but I wasn't allowed.

"Well, I think it's important. I think you need to do it. Push yourself."

"I know." He sounded irritated.

"Good. Let's start with talking about how you are dealing with the grief. We've discussed it, but every time we get there you shy away from getting to the real heart of how you feel. You need to let the grief in and let yourself feel it so you can get through it. Acknowledge that a little part of you died when you left your parent's house. You need to do this to love them again. Feel it and own it." Phin gave me a weak smile.

"Doc, you are right. I keep getting close to the pain, but shying away before I dive in. I guess my biggest fear, that I haven't said out loud before, is that I am afraid I might be an abuser like my father. Lizzie and I are talking about having a family, and the thought of hitting my child makes me physically ill. You know that many abusers become abusers. What if I can't control it?"

"Phin, I know that can happen, but you are here now trying to avoid that bad behavior."

"Yeah, but my father was abused too."

"Yes, how does that make you feel about your father?"

"I hate him every day. I didn't do anything ever to deserve to be hit. I did my best, and it was never good enough. He just kept hitting me." His voice was laced with fury and sadness. I never wanted to hug him more.

"Why didn't you ever ask for help?"

I wanted to hit that doctor right now for making Phin go through this sort of anguish. He looked so haunted, like he wasn't really in the room.

"I couldn't, who would believe me? My mother didn't even help me. My father threatened me every time he hit me." His voice changed; it was like a harder and sharper voice I'd never heard. He turned away from me, pulling his knees to his chest. His body language reminded me of a scared little boy.

"Now, Phin, why don't you tell us what happened? Go back to that time."

"Phin, you are worthless! I can't believe you are even my son. Are you crying?" His voice had changed again; it was angry and harsh. He flinched like he'd been hit, and I stopped myself from comforting him. "You want me to hit you again? If you ever tell anyone, no one would ever believe you. I am a powerful man, Phineas, and I can make sure you are sent away. If you think I am bad, wait until I send you to military school. They might make a man of you."

He was trembling, and tears were streaming down his cheeks.

"Worthless!" His body flinched. "Piece of shit!" His body flinched again. "Wish you'd never been born." His voice changed back to his own, but it sounded much younger. "Father, I am your son. Why don't you love me? Why can't you love me." His voice was strangled, and he was now rocking.

"Phin, now forgive yourself."

"For what?" His voice was small.