I Never Let You Go (I Never 3)

Jax sinks back in his seat and sighs heavily, and Andy runs over to him.

“You okay, Daddy?” he asks in his innocent voice. I just want to bottle him up. Come on, Jax, say yes.

He nods. “Yeah, buddy, I’m okay. What do you think about living close to Uncle Finn again?”

Andy turns back to me. “You’re coming back?”

I smile at him. “No, what do you think about coming and seeing where I live?” Of course, I would need to move out of my sister’s house first.

Andy’s eyes go wide, and I can finally let out the breath I’ve been holding since I touched back down in Seattle. “Really, Uncle Finn? Does that mean we can have sleepovers and watch Toy Story and even play dinosaurs?”

I nod. “You got it.”

Andy jumps up and down. “Daddy, did you hear that? Uncle Finn and I are gonna play dinosaurs!”

He throws his hands up like a T. rex and gives his best dinosaur roar before stomping around the living room. We both sit back watching Andy terrorize the room looking more like Godzilla, but hey, who am I to deny the kid’s fantasy.

“Well, I guess I’ve gotta work things out, but looks like we’re headed to the East Coast. You want a beer? We can throw some dogs on the grill, unless you’d rather go out.”

“No, this is perfect. I’ve missed this.”

“Me too. I’ll set up the guest room for you, although I have a feeling someone might make you sleep in his room.”

I smile, looking at my godson. “I’ve slept in worse places.”

Jax slaps his thighs before rising and laughs. “That is very true. Remember that conference we went to in San Francisco and I found you passed out in our bathtub?” Not one of my finer moments.

I follow him to the kitchen. He reaches into the fridge, grabbing two beers for us and a juice box for Andy. Andy settles in his seat at the table, and Jax hands me my beer. He leans up against the counter and twists the cap off. Jax and I both take a swig of our beer. “So, now that we’ve figured out my future and you’re dragging my sorry ass back to the East Coast, you wanna tell me what’s going on with you and Lauren? And don’t tell me nothing. You think I didn’t catch how you said ‘you and Lauren’ are there. You look good, different—happy.”

I figured he caught that, but he showed no sign of interrupting my earlier pitch. Saying “Lauren and I” felt natural. I can’t help but hide the smile on my face that Jax notices a difference in me. It’s a much better feeling than him finding me blackout drunk the night Lauren changed her number and he had to drag me into the shower to wake me up. This man has seen me at my worst; I look forward to him seeing me at my best.

“Things are going good. Well, I hope.”

“You hope?”

“No, I don’t mean that. Shit.” I take a swig of my beer and grip my neck.

Andy gasps from the table. “Daddy, Uncle Finn said a swear word. He owes me twenty-five cents.”

“Still working that swear jar, huh?” I look up at Jax, who is laughing.

“Yeah, at this rate, I’ll have his college fund fully paid for by the time he’s ten.”

I throw my head back in laughter. My best friend did always have a potty mouth. But if there was one person who had a worse mouth than him, it was Courtney. I think she was a sailor in a previous life because that girl knew how to curse.

“Sorry, buddy.” I reach into my pocket and actually happen to have a quarter. “Here you go.” Andy hops up from the chair, snatches the quarter, and runs out of the room.

“No running,” Jax shouts.

Jax extends his hand for me to sit, and I catch him up on the latest saga that is Finn and Lauren.

“Lauren, I know exactly what I want and when you figure out what you want, call me. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. Until then…”

I replay Finn’s words in my head over and over again. And don’t even get me started on that kiss. It was too much, yet not enough at all. I barely slept last night replaying our time that we’ve been spending together. All morning I was robotic, just going through the motions. I smiled for my kids, but on the inside I was torn.

Why did I say “I don’t know?” That kiss was enough to remind me he is what I want, but what’s stopping me? How can I just go all in when we have been so focused on moving forward and getting to know who we’ve become that we haven’t talked about what happened in the past. How can we move on from that? Will he hold the fact that I said no against me?

Today didn’t feel the same without hearing from him at all. He said he would give me time, but deep down I had hoped he would have pushed me off the tightrope, knowing that he would be there to catch me. There were no flowers, no coffee, no surprise visits, just me alone in my thoughts.