I Never Let You Go (I Never 3)

By the end of the day, I was so caught up in my own head that for the first time ever I blew off dinner with my family, claiming I was sick, so I’m not surprised when I hear the front door open and my sister’s voice coming from the living room. “Hey, I picked up some chicken noodle soup for you.” I need to take her key back.

“Hey, you don’t look sick to me.” She approaches, feeling my forehead with the back of her hand.

I cross my arms over my chest. “That’s because I’m not.”

She takes my hand, pulling me over to the couch. “What’s up with you. Bad day at work? Is everything okay with you and Finn?” At the mention of Finn, the mask that I put up all day begins to fade.

“Finn and I went out last night, and we had a really great time.”

“Oh, I see where this is going. You guys banged it all out, didn’t you. Is your vagina exhausted?” She wiggles her eyebrows at me. I would usually laugh, but I need her advice.

“No, that’s not it.”

“Oh.” She elongates the word as if it were riding a roller coaster. “He sucks in bed now after all these years. Damn, that’s a shame.” I know she is just trying to cheer me up, but it’s doing the opposite.

“Kate, stop! Will you just listen to me for once without cracking jokes?” I raise my voice.

“What’s wrong, then? Talk,” she responds, opening her hands as if giving me the floor.

“Finn and I had a great time. We went to dinner and then the batting cage where I kicked his ass.” I smile at the memory.

“Atta girl!” Kate playfully punches me in the arm, and I give her a stern look. She holds her hands up innocently, mouthing, “Sorry,” so I continue.

“Things just were going so well, and it was like we were falling back into our old ways. I even invited him in. But then he asked what was happening between us—to define it. He asked me what I wanted, and the only words I could find were ‘I don’t know.’ How can I just move forward? We’ve been spending so much time getting to know who we’ve become with a fresh start that this little voice is going off in the back of my head shouting, ‘How can I know that he won’t do it again?’ I can’t go through that again. Is the happiness worth the heartache?”

“Lauren, I’m not saying that he didn’t hurt you, but it wasn’t just all him. You didn’t fight for him,” Kate shouts, startling me. I could possibly count on only both hands the number of times Kate and I have fought, but I guess we’re not adding to that list and having it out. “I’ve known Finn just as long as you have. And from where I’m standing, you let him go, not the other way around. He’s been fighting like hell to win you back, to show how much he loves you, and for a moment, I thought he was winning. I thought you were finally ready to go all in.”

“How can I just go all in? He was with someone else. His arm around someone else. Kissing someone else,” I throw back at her. Does she forget all of that? I can close my eyes and see it as if it happened just yesterday and not ten years ago. “When things got rough for us, he put distance between us and—”

Kate cuts me off before I can continue. “How do you know that? You fucking ran away. You didn’t even confront him. You didn’t ask what was going on, for an explanation. I love you to death—you are my sister, my other half. We shared a fucking womb for nine months and thirty-two years of sharing since. I promise you that I will always support you, and I know I wasn’t there to witness what you saw, but for fuck’s sake, Laur, have you even talked to him about it since he returned?” The anger is radiating off my sister right now.

I don’t make eye contact to tell her she is right. I’ve never brought it up, but you know what? Neither has he. Does he just think he could sweep it under the rug and forget about it?

Kate exhales loudly, scraping her hands down her face. “I get why you said no, I truly do, but I don’t understand it. You and Finn have a past. There is so much of your lives intertwined together, and no matter how much you want to deny it, no one has ever compared to what you feel for Finn. Call it twin intuition, or call it whatever you want. I know you, probably better than you know yourself. So, tell me why you said ‘I don’t know.’”

“I’m scared, okay. I’m fucking scared,” I admit loudly for the first time.

“Of what? Being happy? Having someone who loves you unconditionally? Please help me understand

what scares you enough to not want that happily ever after that you read about in all those romance novels.”

The tears begin to spill over, and I don’t want to hide them—not from me, not from Kate. “I’m scared of him leaving, of him walking out that door and never looking back.”

The tears continue to fall as Kate invades my space, clutching my cheeks in her hands. Her back is straight, and her jaw is tense. If it weren’t for her about to speak, I would think that she has already ground down her back molars to nothing. “You listen and you listen good, Lauren Elizabeth Lawson. Finn. Is. Not. Dad.” Her tone then softens but is still firm. “You two have a love just like the kind you called Dani and Kyler and Zach and Haylee the night before the wedding.” She pauses for a second. “Actually, no, your love isn’t like that.”

My shoulders deflate, and I turn my head away from hers as I guess she is now realizing that maybe we just aren’t meant to be. Kate jerks my gaze back to hers. “You and Finn have a one-of-a-kind love. Yes, you’ve had your ups and downs, and while I can’t promise that you won’t in the future, Lauren, you were given a second chance. Are you really going to just let him go? Because if you are, then maybe I don’t know you at all.” She rises from the couch and grabs her bag. “And you will spend the rest of your life regretting that.” With that she is out the door, slamming it behind her.

I stare at the door and wonder if she’s right. Will I regret not giving us another shot?

After my sister stormed out of my house last night, I stewed over her words. Both Kate and Kyler had to remind me that not everyone is going to leave like my dad. Finn. Is. Not. Dad.

I pulled the memory box back out and looked over the photos from a time when we were happy. The past few weeks spending time with Finn, I was reminded of what that feeling was. I felt that again. I’ve missed talking to him. Now that he had come back into my life, these past few days without him have made me feel like the other of me has been missing. That must count for something, right? I can do this. I can open my heart to him again.

I want Finn Reynolds, and I don’t just want him. I want a life with him. I want to face the past and move forward. I want the life we once planned to become a reality. I want my dream of marriage, kids—I want it all, and I want it with him.

“Miss Lawson. Miss Lawson.” I shake my head. Shit, I totally dazed out while the kids were taking their test. I blink again to find Grant standing next to my desk with his test in hand.

“Wow, done already?” I smile, taking the test out of his hands.