Chapter Thirty-Nine
Ryan
Man,my fucking chest hurts.
I have been waiting to get home for the last nine days, to hold Sofia, to touch her, to kiss her. And while I got to do all that and then some, she broke my fucking heart. Smashed it. I know I hurt her. I know she’s upset, but what am I supposed to do? Go along with her plan? Act like it will work out? That isn’t fair to her or me. Because it won’t. I know it won’t. She won’t ever be happy, and I can’t do that to her.
Fuck, this sucks.
As I go over my amazing trip with the Assassins, my mom is so into it. She’s excited, hanging on my every word, but my mind is flooded with thoughts of Sofia. I want to run to the bathroom, slam my body to hers, and tell her let’s try it. Let’s only see each other maybe once a month, have summers and possibly holidays. I want to tell her there is no one I’ll ever love but her and I don’t want to lose her. I know that isn’t right, though. She deserves so much more than that.
She deserves a man who can give her everything she wants, and that may not be me.
Damn it, I just wish I had a crystal ball, and it could tell me exactly what I need to know. Will I make it, or will I fail? If I knew, I could plan this and try to figure out how to get her to want me as much as she does now when she finds out I’m a complete loser. Why is life so hard? I just want to be back on that plane with the team, traveling and helping the guys. I want to wake up, call her, and see her beautiful face. Know that I’m coming home to her. Know that she is waiting for me.
Damn it.
“So, it was awesome?”
I grin, covering up the fact that I want to ball up and let myself sob like a child. I haven’t done that since I lost my dad, but looking into Sofia’s defeated eyes, I want to do just that. Though, I can’t. “It was freaking fantastic, Mom. They’re all so much fun. The guys all pick on each other, but they love each other. DJ and Mikey are hilarious. They were constantly messing with me, but they taught me so much. I learned things I haven’t even learned in school yet. This is by far the best gift Elli has ever given me.”
“Good, ’cause we didn’t buy you anything for Christmas,” Shea says as he comes into the kitchen, taking off his jacket. I smile ruefully as he kisses my mom before slapping hands with me. “Heard the trip went great.”
“Really great. The guys are on a winning streak, and it was a lot of fun.”
“Fantastic. I saw you on TV—proud uncle moment,” he says, standing beside me with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Yeah, it was awesome. I was so freaked out I would fall and eat the ice, but once I got to Burlesski, I was good.”
“We were all so proud, and you look so great in those purple track suits,” Mom says, patting my hand. “I’m so glad it went well.”
“It did,” I say, and then I remember what I needed to do before Sofia came back in here. “Hey, did you pick that thing out for me, Mom?”
“Pick what?” Shea asks, but my mom is up, moving to the counter.
“Yes,” she says, pulling out a little blue box. She hands it to me, and my breath catches when I open it. My dad spoiled my mom with jewelry. That was his jam, and Mom ate it up. She loved it. When I asked if there was something she was willing to part with since Sofia made me promise I wouldn’t buy her anything, Mom said she had the perfect piece for Sofia. “Daddy gave me this when I had you.”
Running my finger along the heart-shaped diamond pendant, my hearts knocks in my chest. “Wow.”
“Turn it over.”
I do as she asks, and on the back is a silver plate. Engraved in it is my name, Ryan James. I whip my head to my mom. “Mom, this is special. Are you sure?”
“Yes. He got me an earring and bracelet set with your name engraved in it too. I promise. You know I don’t really wear necklaces.”
My stomach twists with pain, missing my dad so much but loving my mom all the more. “Are you sure?”
“Ryan,” she says, cupping my face before kissing me hard on the cheek. “I adore her, and I know you do. I wanted you to give her something special.”
Emotion chokes me as I look down at my name, knowing my dad spent hours picking this out for her. I know because there wasn’t a birthday of my mom’s where Amelia and I weren’t in a jewelry store with my dad. He got some kind of high from buying her lavish gifts. I can still remember her breathless gasp, her squeal before she wrapped her arms around him and told him how much she loved him. It was my favorite thing about her birthday.
“Mom, I don’t—”
“Do you think she’ll love it?”
I look up at her and nod. “She’ll freak over it.”
“Good,” she says with a wink. She moves her thumb along my cheek. “When you love someone, you want them to be happy. Since I love you, and you love her, I think this is the best thing to give her.”
My heart stops. How does she know I love Sofia?
“She’s great, Ryan. Really. We all think so,” Shea says, squeezing my shoulder.
I look to my mom and then to Shea, noting the softer feminine features that are the only difference from my uncle’s manly ones. Same eyes, same smile, and I feel like I’m going to puke. “But if I make it in the NHL, I’ll lose her.”
Shea cups the back of my neck, squeezing it hard. “You’ll never truly lose her, buddy. She’ll always be yours.”
“In here,” Mom says, pressing her hand to my heart. “You don’t ever get over your first love. I know,” she says with a wink.
“There were many times when I thought I would lose Elli. She was a skittish one, man—”
“God, she sure was,” Mom says with a laugh. “But Shea loves her.”
“And while sometimes love isn’t enough, sometimes it’s more than enough.”
Mom nods, her eyes burning into mine. “No matter what, Lord knows she wouldn’t let you go far without her. We all see it. You two are amazing together.”
But I shake my head. “She has big plans. She has done her research. She knows this state needs an elite gym, and she is going to do it—”
“And all that is sound, bud. But sometimes, things work out the way they should. So maybe instead of worrying about losing her, just thank God for her.”
I swallow hard as I look between the two of them. I love these two a hell of a lot. They are pillars in my life. My best friends. The two people I know, no matter what, will have my back.
And I’ll be damned if I don’t want them to be right.