I was seconds from saying all of that and more when we were ripped apart last night.
Swiping dark-red lip stain across my lips, I press them together and stare at myself in the mirror. I barely resemble the person who stepped through those doors five weeks ago. My eyes were void of all emotions. I was trying to push people away before I even had the chance to get to know them.
Yesterday my eyes were bright. I felt alive. Happy.
The dull sparkle in my eyes today is the remnant of the joy and love I had. The love I’ll fight to get back.
A soft knock at my door startles me. I freeze before springing into action and dashing for the door, almost tripping in my heels.
Flinging it open, I find Lennon, Bella, and Milo on the path, waiting for me.
“Where is he?” I ask, my eyes connecting with Lennon’s.
I can tell he wants to look away, but to his credit, he doesn’t. He straightens his shoulders and lifts his chin before saying, “You guys go on ahead. We’ll meet you there.”
Fuck! That’s not a good sign.
“Just tell me,” I say, turning and retreating into my bedroom so I can grab my phone.
“He’s been eliminated. That’s all I know. He’s not allowed to directly contact anyone until the show’s over.”
“They can’t just kick someone off without a reason!” I scream.
Lennon wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me to his chest. “He wouldn’t have left you without a fight. Remember that.”
“Well, apparently he just did. He didn’t even call to let me know.”
“He didn’t call me either. I saw him as he was leaving his villa, bags in hand. That’s the only reason I know he was eliminated.” Lennon’s taking an apologetic tone with me. One I wasn’t expecting considering it was only days ago when he was kissing me, fighting for me.
“I guess you win,” I state, pushing out of his embrace and slipping past him. “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
“It was. It is. I don’t know. I didn’t want to win by default, I know that.”
“It doesn’t matter how you get there as long as you cross the finish line first.” I can’t bring myself to look at him. I don’t want to see the pity in his eyes. I already feel it vibrating off his body in waves.
Without another word, Lennon and I make our way to the main house for the elimination ceremony. When we walk through the door, Lennon is handed a ballot to vote but Claudia doesn’t even bother to make eye contact with me as I pass.
The girls won’t vote tonight. The final two are the only ones present.
I should ask Lennon to vote me off. To send me home. So I can be done with the show. So I can move on with my life. My chances of reconnecting with Jace are better if I’m not here. We’d be in the hotel together. Without the cameras in our faces.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but when I turn to ask, he’s already handing his ballot back to Claudia and walking toward me, his hand outstretched to take mine.
I can’t let him.
I don’t want to lead him on. I feel like I’ve done that enough since meeting him.
Maybe if I’d met him first. If he’d been the one to knock on my door that first day and show me around the property. Maybe I’d have chosen him. Fallen in love with him.
But that’s not the case, and I need to do everything I can to protect my heart right now. I need to put a barrier between me and the guys. One that’s impenetrable.
I turn and walk ahead of him to where my mark is on the floor. I stand with my hands clasped in front of me, my eyes focused on the wall behind the camera that’s directed at me.
And I wait.
Because they’re going to have to address the fact Jace is missing. That he’s been eliminated.
Ed finally shows up five minutes later with a huge smile on his face, waving his hands in the air as he directs people to get in position.