In the darkness, I listened to the girls softly breathing in the bed beside mine. Brandy mumbled in her sleep just like she used to do when she was a little girl. “I don’t think so,” she said. “I really, really don’t think so.”
“You don’t think what, darling?” I propped myself on my elbow, hoping to engage her. She never answered back, nor did her boys who talked incessantly in their sleep. Although it seemed like they did answer each other in their own twinspeak.
Had Cheryl and I spoken twinspeak when we were kids? I didn’t remember. Then again, we’d grown up without a mother to remind us of those kinds of things.
Flopping onto my back, I pushed out a slow breath. In a few hours, I would meet with the parole board and tell them why I thought Eddie should be denied parole. Somehow, I had to do whatever it took to show that he was still a danger to society.
A man like that didn’t change, after all. If he got out early. . . Well, I didn’t want to imagine the damage he was capable of causing.
A shudder ran through me. Ever since Cheryl’s murder, my mission had been to protect my family. I wasn’t about to stop now just because the girls were grown and Eddie was eligible for parole.
During our marriage, Salvador often tried to assure me that I was safe. He bought me an alarm for the house and a gun that we kept locked in the safe. We also had several German shepherds, bred for protection. I’d only recently lost my sweet Lady, who’d passed in her sleep after years of faithful service.
Despite all this, nothing brought me true peace. Nothing took away the anxiety that was my constant battle.
“You’ve got to stop holding on to your anger and fear like it’s part of you,” Salvador once insisted. We’d been in the car driving home after dropping Brandy off at college for the first time. Lia was away at a computer science camp, so it was just the two of us.
The entire day had been tense, but Salvador’s words lit a fire that couldn’t be contained.
“Holding on to my anger and fear is the only thing that keeps me safe,” I shot back.
“It’s not,” he insisted. “Testifying against Eddie, knowing he’ll spend the rest of his life in jail, is what keeps you safe. Holding on to everything else keeps you from living.”
Salvador didn’t understand that I had to hold on to my fear and anger. And I definitely had to do everything in my power to keep Eddie locked up. Whatever it took, I was willing to do.
After that argument in the car with Salvador, the gap between us expanded. Despite trying to fix our marriage, we eventually divorced during Lia’s freshman year of college.
A muscle in my back pulsed. Turning over in bed, I kneaded it with my fist, but the pain persisted.
During the trial, I experienced horrendous back pain from Lia’s pregnancy. I’d been in my last trimester. Sitting on the cold, hard wooden bench in the courtroom, listening to the details of my sister’s murder, had been agonizing.
Whenever Salvador or a kind stranger asked about my pregnancy, I struggled to answer. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about Lia. I was just so hyperfocused on obtaining justice for Cheryl that I couldn’t find the strength to think about baby clothes, car seats, or birth plans. I was also trying to help my father take care of Brandy.
In the hallway outside our hotel room, someone laughed. I reached for my phone. 4:30 a.m. Abandoning any hope of sleep, I turned off the alarm and tiptoed into the bathroom. As quietly as I could, I showered, dressed, and put on my makeup. Back in the room, I used the light from my phone to find my shoes and purse.
“What time is it?” Brandy asked, sitting up in bed.
Lia reached for her phone. “Is it time to get up?”
“No, you girls go back to sleep. I’ve changed my mind about having you drive to Mayford with me. You two can stay here for the day. I’ll be back this afternoon, and we can have a nice dinner.”
Brandy turned on the bedside lamp and rubbed her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous, Aunt Ruthie. We’re not letting you go by yourself. We’re coming. Or, at least, I am.”
“I’m coming too,” Lia said.
“Are you sure?” Brandy spoke in a way that seemed like she didn’t want Lia to come. Probably, she was just being protective. “You could stay here, Lia, and rest. It’s going to be hot again today, and that’s not good for the baby.”
“So, I’ll drink more water.” Lia, who refused to be left out of anything, threw back the covers and climbed out of bed.