32
After sending the statement to Eddie’s attorney, I expected to feel less burdened. I imagined a sense of freedom and justice would wash over me. Instead, I only felt more distraught. Had I said enough in the letter?
Desperate to stop feeling so miserable, I picked up the business card Salvador left on the kitchen table for me. In the past, I never had much success with therapy.
Maybe talking to someone hadn’t worked and would never work because I was too damaged. And yet, maybe Maria could fix me enough so I’d be able to go back to work.
While I hadn’t formally resigned, I hadn’t been able to return to school. What would people think when they learned that because of me an innocent man had spent his life in prison? How could they forgive me? How could I forgive myself?
Not knowing what else to do, I made an appointment with Salvador’s therapist. In the past, when I’d talked to a counselor, I’d withheld information. This time, however, I told Maria everything—the falling out between my sister and me, her murder, being raped, the trial, giving birth to Lia, my father’s death, my divorce, losing my dog... And now living with the guilt that I’d sent an innocent man to jail.
“That’s a tremendous amount to deal with,” the therapist said.
I gave a sarcastic laugh. “Honestly, until I laid it all out just now, I hadn’t realized how much I was dealing with.”
She nodded. “It might take us a while to unpack everything, but what specifically is giving you the most anxiety right now?”
My answer to her question was immediate. “I’m afraid that Eddie will seek revenge by coming after me. I realize if he’s innocent... Well, intellectually, I know he’s innocent. I know it was Wayne, but when I think about the man that night, it’s Eddie’s face I see.”
She nodded. “You’ve spent years believing Eddie was the one who hurt you. It’s going to take some time to break that way of thinking.”
“I just feel horrible about what I did. About not trusting my initial belief that Wayne was the culprit. I don’t know if I can live with myself. I don’t mean that I’m going to hurt myself,” I quickly added. “It’s not like that. It just feels bad. There’s an actual physical ache in my chest that hurts.”
“Like I said before, you’ve been through a lot.”
“But so has he. So has Eddie. He didn’t deserve to lose his daughter and spend all those years in jail.”
“No, that’s true. Can I ask you a question?”
“Okay.”
“How does your guilt over what happened affect Eddie?”
“What do you mean?”
“Eddie’s release is imminent, right? Didn’t you say he’s due to be released in the next day or so?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve done what you need to do to make things right, so how does feeling bad help his situation?”
“It doesn’t. I just feel like I can’t be happy after what I did.”
She nodded, and we sat in silence for a bit. When I didn’t say anything, she took that as her cue to speak. “Ruth Anne, you’re going to feel horrible about everything until you’re ready to let it go. Nobody is making you feel this way. That’s all on you. Once you decide to let go of the guilt and the shame, you’ll feel better. But you can’t let go until you make a conscious decision to do so.”
“And how do I do that?”
“You start by forgiving yourself. You take responsibility, but you also exercise compassion with yourself. You focus on remembering what you did right.”
“I sent an innocent man to jail. I didn’t do anything right.”
“You didn’t write a letter that helped free him from prison? You didn’t also raise his daughter along with your own who were instrumental in freeing him?”
“I did, but that seems so minor compared to all the harm I caused.”
She offered a sad smile. “Well, like I said, you’re going to feel horrible until you decide not to. You can’t change the past, Ruth Anne. You can only do your best to atone for your mistakes and move forward.”