The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (With Cats!)

DOESN’T, THEN IT SHOULD.

COMMON BISEXUAL QUESTIONS POSED TO NONBISEXUAL PEOPLE

Straight people exist?

I read otherwise in a

New York Times think piece.

So, you’re gay, huh? Do

you make out with boys just to

turn men on, or what?

You like brunettes AND

redheads? You straights can never

make up your damn minds.

Hetero? Is that

why you have so much trouble

with monogamy?

Are you sure? I think

you probably just haven’t

met the right man yet?

Threesome? Sandwich? Three-

way? Ménage à trois? Group sex?

3P? Screwnicorn?

Monosexual?

I guess I respect your choice

to limit yourself.

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Breaking up is hard to do for anyone, but for gaydies, it’s nearly impossible. Somewhere, at this very moment, a lesbian couple has been trying to break up for the last several decades. By the time you finish this intro, they’ll have made up yet again, having moved on to the cry-cuddle phase of lesbian reconciliation (more on that below). No one is really sure why lesbians need to end relationships multiple times before it sticks, and a few more times after that before they can cook lentils together without it ending in sloppy, soupy rebound sex and a lot of unnecessary laundry. To lesbians, a breakup is like a sub club card—except when you get to ten, you’re rewarded not with a delicious sandwich but with six months of postbreakup couples therapy. The following haiku will deal with the right and wrong way to handle a breakup (excuse me, “relationship transition”), school you in the fine art of “letting girls down,” and explain the dual nature of rebounds (a.k.a. “meeting your next monogamous partner”).

A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF EVERY LESBIAN BREAKUP THROUGHOUT HISTORY IN TWELVE WORDS

I can’t date you, but

here’s an ambiguous poem

about my feelings.

HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A LESBIAN