She sighs. “We should have tea.”
Far be it from me to argue with that. After encountering Amos for what feels like the last time, I need more than tea, but I don’t say so, quietly walking after my mother into the den at the rear of the house. She quietly instructs one of the servants to bring tea and chocolate chip cookies at once.
When I’m settled into a plush couch with a cup in my hands, I regard my mother curiously, noticing the concerned expression she keeps throwing in my direction.
It’s all just a little too late, I reflect while sipping my chamomile that has a slice of lemon in it. She should have done this ages ago.
“Alexandra,” she whispers, her voice cracking, “I’m worried about you.”
I set the teacup down carefully. “I’ll punish everyone involved in the deaths of Lev and my father. I hope you’re aware of that.”
“I am, darling. I understand.”
“I just wish you would save the theatrics. We’re not performing in front of anyone right now.”
She shakes her head. “My concern has always been real.”’
“Could have fooled me.”
She looks hurt, but she doesn’t say anything to the contrary, choosing instead to confess, “I’ve killed every bastard child your father produced in this town. And I did it all to secure your position in Macedon.”
So, the rumors were true. Marie wasn’t lying. “Your dark ambition is horrifying.”
“It’s all for you, darling. I need you to understand that and accept that.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
She slams her fist on her knee weakly. “If you don’t, you suffer. Is that what you want?”
“I wanted nothing out of this life except to just be me.”
She purses her lips thoughtfully for a second and turns away, peering out the window that overlooks the gardens. The leaves are beginning to sprout on a few trees, signs of life after such a wretched winter. Spring is well on its way. I’m helpless to stop the change of the seasons, just as I’m powerless to prevent my mother’s reckless actions.
“You were so quiet,” I pointed out, “about Amos abusing me. You didn’t do anything.”
“I didn’t know anything until you told me.”
I cringe. “And yet you still chose to keep him here.”’
“What did you want me to do?”
“I wanted you to protect me!”
Bitter silence laces through the den, the sour taste clinging to my tongue. I lick my lips to savor the way it feels, the pinch resembling the lemon in my tea. This is what her false protection did to me. It hardened my exterior, making it impossible for me to forge any true connections.
I’m slowly losing every genuine friendship I’ve ever made.
“You couldn’t keep the most dangerous person away,” I remind her. “And now you’re acting like you’ve given me the greatest gift by finally getting rid of him.”
Her lower lip quivers as she looks at me. “Is it not the best thing I could have done?”
“Why do you always do things so late?”
She doesn’t respond, her eyes blurring with unshed tears as she sniffles and reaches for her teacup. She takes a sip while sitting posh, the picture of luxury despite her drooping demeanor. I can’t help but feel angry, the awful fire of injustice burning through my soul and tipping me over the edge.
“You could never protect me, even when you tried,” I whisper. “You were too selfish.” I pause to chuckle darkly. “Shit, you’re still selfish. The only reason you kicked that pervert to the curb is because you have the Somervilles backing you up. All you’re doing is trading allegiances.”
“It doesn’t matter what I do. You’ll never believe me.”