Pi,
The love of my life. The rain to my storm. The wind to my kite. The happy to my forever.
I stopped saying God has a jubilee sense of humor and started saying that His will is far greater than I could ever imagine. Falling in love with you felt easy as breathing. You made it that way with your patience, kindness, devotion, and support. You loved me in ways that not even my hopeless romantic heart knew existed.
Even though our story had a long pause for some years we never truly ended.
When God circled us back around to each other this desperation to have you to myself was birthed and I selfishly tried to make your wounds my wounds. With you, I’ve always wanted the good, the bad, and the ugly…all of you.
Forgive me, king. I placed my wants above your needs. A need for patience. A need for space. A need for prayer instead of thinking of ways I could seduce you back into the warmth I knew would subdue your aches and pains.
Summer of 2011 marked the beginning of our adventure and I’ll be forever blessed that our journey isn’t over.
Over the years I thought I purged you out of my system. Danced you out my memory. Our first meet-up after seven years and I’m that eighteen-year-old girl who fell hopelessly devoted to loving you. I wanted your pain to be my pain so I could be closer to you.
Last night I prayed. My prayers directed to God, of course, but to your wife. I prayed to her. Thanking her that, though she left you mourning her memory, she didn’t leave you broken past repair.
I said all of this to say - I’ll wait for you. I know once you’ve overcome this season, you’re going to be this amazing man that not even pliers will be able to pry my lips from yours. Fight for me, Paxton. Push through for me. I need you just as much as you need me. No other man can light a candle to your sexy chocolate self. You’ll know where to find me. If ever you need a map let our love guide you straight to me.
Loving you for infinity,
Your Sassy Baby
“You want this whopping now or after you eat?” Patricia Henry handed me back the light pink floral paper.
Running a hand over the back of my neck, I sheepishly smiled. “Depends on what you cooked?”
She swatted me with a dish towel before pulling me into her thick arms. “One, if you stay away that long again so I can’t feed you we’re going to have some serious problems. Two, if you don’t stop being afraid and love that woman, I know something.”
I don’t know why I shared the letter Jacolby wrote me with my ex-mother-in-law, but I did and I’m glad I did. Patricia has always been more of a motherly figure to me than my own mother. She too was a bystander to my drunken behavior. Not once has she judged me but filled my stomach up with her delicious cooking to soak up the alcohol.
Changing the subject completely I went a different route. “Where’s George?”
“Blowing through our retirement at the casino. It’ll be dark when he comes stumbling in. Have a seat.”
“Do you guys need anything? I can transfer more mon…”
She waved me off. “Absolutely not. You do more than enough. After you finish dinner, I have a nice slice of red velvet cake for you.”
“Thank you, Mama P.”
My mother-in-law held a special in my heart. I avoided her like the plague after Heather’s death. I feared that she blamed me for her only daughter's death. When I finally answered her call, she reassured me that she never blamed me at all and thanked me for making her daughter happy.
“Since you’re eating, I’ll use this time to run my mouth.” I knew what that meant – she was about to give me a piece of her mind. “Tell me about Jacolby and what she means to you.” I shifted in my seat, suddenly feeling uncomfortable talking to her about another woman. “Son, we are family first. It’s been four years too long. I’m happy you’re moving on with your life.”
My brows scrunched in uncertainty. “Really? The last thing I want to do is disrespect you in your own home, Mama P.”
“Chile, tell me about the woman who has you smitten and loves your dirty draws. That letter was beautiful and mature.” That’s because Jacolby was that and then some.
“She’s…she’s perfect. Junior is probably the smartest woman I know. Sassy like a lioness. Sweet like apricots and honey. That’s…she’s always been my baby.” My eyes shot up when I said that. “I’m sorry, Mama P. I didn’t…”
She squeezed my hand. “Son, it’s okay. Your love for this other woman has always been evident whether you like to admit it or not.”
“How so?”
“Your wedding day. You wore a smile and even had what appeared to be a twinkle in your eye. You loved my Heather, but you weren’t deeply in love with her and that’s okay. A week before the wedding she called me with so much joy and happiness in her voice. She called to tell me how amazing you are. Said she knew it would be hard for you to let Jacolby go, but you never showed her anything less than love. You respected her and loved her enough that she forgot about your heart not wholly belonging to her.” My throat and eyes burned. My chest felt tight and constricted.
In shame, I hung my head. “I’m sorry.”