Lost Love (Cowboys & Angels 1)

I stood there stunned as she turned and headed into the school for graduation practice. My stomach churned; what I had done was unforgivable. I’d left her alone to deal with the pregnancy. And the loss.

When I opened my eyes, tears were rolling down Amelia’s cheeks. “Oh, Steed, how could you? Do you think the stress caused her to lose the baby?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. A few months after I left home, I started to do some research on miscarriages. It’s likely there could have been something wrong with the pregnancy and it naturally aborted itself, but my heart tells me it was the stress Paxton was under. I caused her to lose our child. That’s why I never came home. Not for holidays, not even after Chloe was born. The idea of seeing Paxton … knowing what I did to her … the guilt has torn me up inside all of these years. A part of me thinks my marriage to Kim was my karma. My punishment for what I put Paxton through. But I got Chloe out of it.”

Amelia walked over to me. “That is crazy, Steed. You don’t know what caused her to lose the baby.”

Letting out a gruff laugh, I nodded. “The day of graduation, I tried to get Paxton to talk to me, but she was so angry. She threw it in my face that I’d said I was glad the baby died. When I tried to tell her it was a strange mixture of emotions, she lost it. Told me she hated me, and threatened to seek revenge.”

“Surely she’s still not angry with you.”

“You don’t know Paxton. Me showing back up in town and having a daughter to top it off … it’s like rubbing salt in a wound.”

Amelia made a face. “Oh, I wasn’t even thinking about Chloe. But Paxton would never do anything to Chloe.”

My hand went to the back of my neck where I tried to rub the ache away. “I know. But the way she looks at me. It’s like the hate is still as strong as that day ten years ago.”

Taking my hands in hers, Amelia peered into my eyes. “Steed, I’ve done a lot of research on miscarriages, I wrote about one in a book of mine. For some women, it’s a loss so great they feel it for years. Small things will trigger the memory of the loss. That has to be why Paxton avoided the family so much. We reminded her of you…you reminded her of the baby she lost.”

“But she wasn’t that far along.”

She smacked the side of my head so hard I was positive it rattled my brain around in my skull.

“What the fuck, Meli!”

“You idiot! Steed, think about the moment you found out Kim was pregnant. How did you feel?”

“Honestly?”

She nodded.

“Sad. Angry. Because the only woman I’ve ever wanted to have a child with was Paxton.”

Amelia’s hands covered her mouth. “That’s the saddest, sweetest thing you’ve said yet. You stupid asshole.”

My shoulders slumped. “Stop calling me names!”

“Hey, if the shoe fits!”

I sighed. “After the shock of Paxton telling me she was pregnant, I was actually excited. Scared as fuck, but I knew we’d made something beautiful together. I wanted to tell her that. I just didn’t know that when she dropped the bomb on me. When Kim told me she was pregnant, I had to deal with the guilt of having a child with another woman. The only thing I knew for sure was I was not walking away from that baby. When I saw the sonogram, I was instantly in love.”

“If you’d seen the sonogram from your child with Paxton, would it have made you react differently?”

I shrugged. “Hell, I don’t know. I was older when Kim got pregnant. Almost out of college. More sure of myself and my future.”

“The baby was inside of Paxton, Steed. Your child growing in her. Think about what that loss was like for her, then remember she not only lost your child … she lost you too.”

Fuck. Son-of-a-bitch. I ran to the half bath and dropped to the ground as my breakfast decided to make a second appearance.

Chloe and Timmy held my hands while parents walked up to pick up their kiddos. Kindergarteners got picked up on the south side of the school, away from the older kids. Parents had the option of walking up or driving up. The first few days of school almost every parent walked up.

“Today was fun, Ms. Monroe.”

Glancing down to Timmy, I smiled. “I’m glad you had fun.”

“I hope I get picked next week to take the class pet home,” Timmy added.

I made a mental note to actually pick up a class pet. I had totally forgotten to get one with everything that had been going on this week. Another thing I could blame Steed for.