It’s not about me. It’s not about me, I chanted in my head as she smiled and shrugged. “He was the best quarterback our town had ever seen.”
I bet he was.
“He drove around in a beat-up old van that he and the football team finally turned into a tailgating van. They painted a Seagull on the side of it and everything.”
“A Seagull?” I laughed. “Lame.”
“Um, Demetri?” Alyssa pointed to my sweatshirt. “It’s kind of the mascot.”
And I’m an idiot. “Wow, I guess I never noticed. As Alec said, I did spend half the school year high.”
Alyssa cracked a smile and exhaled loudly. “Anyway, everyone loved him.”
“Did you?” I knew I was basically setting myself up for being hurt, but it seemed important. I didn’t want to be that guy anymore. The one that chases a girl he can’t have. The guy who wants the girl to fill in the gaping holes in his life.
“I do.” She shook her head. “I mean, I did.”
And there’s my answer. Shit.
I know guys aren’t supposed to get all emotional about this stuff, but again, up until the past six months, I’ve basically been hiding my emotions behind drugs and alcohol, so right now everything just feels raw.
Instead of pushing the rejection away or hiding behind a cocky grin and walking away, I could only stand there and tell myself it was better that way. Better to know before I got too involved.
But I couldn’t lie to myself. I couldn’t lie to her. I was way in over my head, and I hated that the guy who had her heart didn’t even have the decency to allow her to let it go. I knew it wasn’t his fault he died, but the ass in me kinda blamed him. Because I couldn’t compete with a star quarterback. I mean, I’m famous. But someone who’s dead? Someone who this perfect girl held in such high esteem? Yeah, it wasn’t gonna happen.
“I’m sorry, Lyss.” I put my arm around her and memorized the way it felt to hold her. Most likely that would be my last time.
Not because I was going to go crazy and try to kill myself, but because there was no way I could win this.
None.
“It was my fault you know,” Alyssa said against my chest.
“Everyone blamed Connor for so long, but no one else was there.
No one else knew what happened.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear any more. I rubbed her back and cursed in my head as she kept talking. “He told me he loved me. We’d pulled over because he wanted to kiss me and was excited about our future. I mean, that’s what we were talking about. Our future. I didn’t know that within the next fifteen minutes it would get stolen from us.”
“How is that your fault, Lyss?” I whispered in her hair. It smelled like coconut. I closed my eyes an inhaled.
“Because I’m not stupid. It was raining and Highway 101 always has accidents because of all the curves. We should have kept driving. Instead, I kept kissing him and distracting him.”
What a way to die. I mean, I’m not trying to be insensitive, but wow. I can only imagine how much she would distract me while driving. “I’d probably pull over too.”
“You would?”
“Huh?” Crap. Did I say that out loud?
“You’d pull over too?”
“Well…” Shit, shit, shit. “Sorry, Lyss. I’m just being honest.
If you were my girlfriend, and we were kissing and talking about exciting stuff, I’d probably want more time with you. I probably wouldn’t have even made it to the car, because I would have locked you in your room until graduation.”
“Really?” She perked up.
“Lyss, look at me.”
She swallowed and looked up, bright blue eyes shining with tears. I kissed each cheek and sighed. “To me, it doesn’t really get better than this.”
“Than what?” She scrunched up her nose.
I pulled her hand into mine and kissed her lightly across the lips, then on each cheek again and then each hand, taking my time inhaling her skin as I licked its smoothness and memorized the way it felt against mine. “This, Alyssa. It doesn’t get better than this, than you.”
Her eyes welled with tears.
Great. Must I always make girls cry?
While I was sitting there berating myself for being an ass, her eyes lit up. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me hard on the mouth.
I wanted to kiss him away. To make her forget him, to make her heart beat in tune with mine.
And suddenly, as her mouth worked its way down my neck, I realized for a split second what life would be like without her in it. Empty. Maybe I couldn’t compete with a ghost, but I could sure as hell try.
Chapter Nineteen
Alyssa
I didn’t deserve him. I was sitting there sobbing my eyes out over a guy I just told him I still loved, and he treated me like I was his princess. He treated me like I wasn’t broken.
And I was. So incredibly, irrevocably broken.
His mouth did crazy things to mine as he tilted my head back and kissed my neck. Brady never kissed my neck much. I really liked it. I liked how his lips blazed a possessive trail near my chin, how his eyes hooded when he watched me. It would be impossible for me to get tired of the way he makes my body ache, the way he makes every part of my skin feel more sensitive.
And again I’m reminded, as he pulled away and kissed the top of my head, I didn’t deserve him. He was shattered enough without adding me to the mess. We would destroy each other. How do two people heal together when they can’t even heal apart from one another?