“We should talk.” I told my mouth to stop moving, to throw my arms around his neck and tell him I love him. I mean, I wasn’t sure if love was the right word, but when I thought about being apart from him, the darkness seemed to close in around me. I needed my sun. I needed him. But it’s like keeping a shiny toy you know doesn’t belong to you. You give it back, so it can be enjoyed by someone more deserving. I didn’t deserve two amazing boys in the span of two years. I certainly didn’t deserve a rich rock star who wrote songs about me.
“We are talking.” He pulled me into his side, and we continued to walk.
“About us,” I said it fast, like ripping off a bandage. We only had about a mile left to go, before we would be back to where I took the turn for my house.
I felt his arm tense around my shoulders. “What do you mean?”
“I mean —” Crap. I don’t know how to do this. “Maybe it’s just not the right time, you know?”
He stopped and pulled me in for a hot mind-blowing kiss then set me back to my feet again. “It’s always the right time.”
With Demetri, that could very well be true. And again, why did his kisses make me forget everything?
He grinned and leaned down for another kiss. His lips pressed against mine; the warmth of his mouth made my knees weak. Damn. I needed to get away from him before I made things worse. I stepped away and sighed. “Look, I just think I need more time to work through some of my issues. It’s not you.”
Demetri’s eyes widened and then closed for a painful two seconds in which I almost took back what I’d just said. When he opened them again, I saw a different Demetri, one that I’d never seen before.
I kept talking. “It’s me. Like I said, I have a lot of stuff I’m still dealing with, and I’m just dragging you down, and well, I just I don’t want to get involved with anyone. So can we just like hang only sometimes and not be anything more?” There I said it. He could walk away without feeling guilty. I didn’t need to be fixed.
Not when I saw the same look in his eyes that I saw every day in the mirror.
His eyes darkened. I took another step back. He shook his head firmly. “No.”
“No?” Whoa! Where did easy-going Demetri disappear to?
This guy looked more intense, more like his brother. Did they do some mind-changing thing I wasn’t aware of? Crap. It’s like telling a lost puppy just to go home, but instead it follows you until you cave. Why was he making this so hard? I needed him to leave. If he didn’t leave, I would break, and if I broke I would never have any hope of being whole again.
Making a snap decision, I kept walking and refused to turn around…
I felt him behind me. Finally I stopped once we were in the middle of downtown.
“What?” I snapped.
“No.” Demetri shook his head slowly. “I won’t leave you alone. I won’t abandon you. I’m sure as hell not going to listen to you, and you can damn well know that I’m going to fight for you.”
I think my heart just faltered. I blinked a few times to see if he would start laughing or break out of whatever insane mood he was in. Instead, he very politely walked me the rest of the way to my house, said goodnight, and left me at my door.
What just happened? I walked to my room and slammed the door behind me. I’m pretty sure he just told me no, as in, No. I’m not going to allow you to self-destruct and push me away. What guy does that? I mean, his speech was hot. It was the type of thing you see on TV or read about in books. The prince pursues the princess and they live happily ever after.
Silly Demetri. He of all people should know that Happily Ever Afters didn’t exist. It made me sad. I wanted to be a part of his life. I wanted so many things, but I couldn’t see a world where we could both exist without ending up hurt, and I was done with being hurt.
**** Demetri I walked home pissed. I slammed the screen door and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I knew Alec and Nat were probably just getting out of the movie. I dialed Alec’s number and waited.
“How’d it go?”
“Shitty,” I answered and threw the stupid Seaside sweatshirt across the room.
“What happened?” I could tell he was walking, because I heard the car alarm go off and then the doors unlock.
“She told me we needed time apart. That it was too much, you know, the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me garbage.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be.”
“I’m confused. Aren’t you pissed?”
“I’m more than pissed, and I even told her so. I kind of told her no.”
Alec was silent, and then, “Dude, when did you grow a pair?”
“Last night in my sleep, you ass. Now listen, I kind of got angry with her and went all protective barbarian he-man.” I still couldn’t believe I’d raised my voice at her and refused to give up.
“Did you pound your chest and roar?”
I laughed. “Tempted to, but no.”
“Then you’re good.”
“That’s it?” I cursed. “No words of wisdom from the older, happier, non-drug-addicted brother?”
Alec cleared his throat. “Love her.”
“How do you love a person who doesn’t even love themselves or see how their behavior is self-destructive?” Whoa.
And suddenly the giant light exploded in my head. So that’s what all that therapy was about. How do you let others in when you can’t even look in the mirror? The answer is, you can’t. But hopefully by showing them that they are lovable, they will start to see the truth.